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You could find the innocence in anything if you tried hard enough. Even in someone as corrupted and as lecherous as I was. On the outside, people saw a prosthetic light in me that provided them comfort and understanding. On the inside however, nothing compared to how dark and rotten I've become since I've loved you.
I underestimated how much your memory kept me breathing. I found myself searching for you in other beds, on other cocks, in the heated glances of strangers. But none of it felt the same. None of them were you and that was never supposed to happen. I couldn't recognize the same evil in them that I saw in myself. So I traveled the world in search of another you but never found him. I stopped looking, stopped hoping I'd stumble into a different version of you on the sidewalk in Paris, or on the sandy streets of Cairo.
I thought moving on had been the wisest option. And for a while I thought remaining empty until I was too old to finish what I started was what the future held for me. And then you found me. You found me in the middle of a storm and I expected nothing less from you. You were always good at spotting me in the midst of a thousand identical mysteries. A coy smile followed by an open invitation led you to my apartment shortly after and I knew where this was heading the moment I forced a knowing grin out of you just by returning your hug.
I didn't ask if you were spoken for when I offered you a glass of wine and shoved your hand down my panties. None of that mattered while we were swimming in the same orbit, surrounded by a magnetic force so powerful, it brought us back together with just a glance from across the subway platform. You circled my clit while you declined my offer of the finest wine I owned and offered to drink from me instead. I smiled into your cheek in response, making sure you could hear my sighs when you placed your wet fingers into your mouth. I remembered it was your favorite sound and I also recalled how much I must've hurt you when you woke up that morning and found out I had left.
You were never the spiteful type until you met me. I sparked something inside of you, something uncontrollable that frightened you enough to remove the beating of my heart with every immoral action you made in retaliation. It became addicting, this toxic game we created. I lived off it until I understood just how sick your venom made me when you weren't around. Your absence allowed for the wounds to heal underneath other warm bodies. I made sure the wound I had left on you would always burn in memory of me, just like your love had been stamped in permanent ink onto my skin.
You press me into the glass slider that separated my living room and the balcony that looked over my city, and did your absolute best to push me towards the edge with your fingers, without giving me the release I needed to send you home before we made another mistake. And we were the epitome of going into war without cause. We hurt too many people in the process of breaking apart and we were probably hurting a million more with every thrust your fingers made inside of me. You knew that of course. Otherwise you wouldn't have pulled your fingers out of me right before I came in your hand, and placed them inside your mouth again. You moaned while your gaze held mine steady, and your smile was what made my body erupt in orgasm. You had a talent for kissing the cruelty out of me. But I've always been better at making you beg for it.
I pushed you down onto my sofa, then turned around to open my curtains, allowing the city lights to illuminate the room further. I closed my eyes and tried to picture the old version of you, the one I romanticized in my head all this time, the one I never quite got over, and began to remove my clothes piece by piece. I could hear you shifting, churning inside as you weighed your decisions in your head while you pictured fucking me until you remembered how much poison we still had left for one another.
I stood naked in the middle of my living room, my back towards you, while I peeked at your reflection in the glass in front of me. Your hand had made its way down your pants, springing your hard cock free. I touched my nipples while I watched you stroke yourself, my legs opening further when my clit began to throb again. My head fell back and my mouth gasped in pleasure when my fingers entered my slick folds and dipped into my core because of you. It's always been because of you.
Your impatience grew because of me and you increased your stroking, grunts escaping your mouth as you thought of all of our former encounters, and how I always had to have the last kiss. And then you stop moving because you remember how you always had to have the last goodbye and I took that away from you too.
I turn to you then, shortening the strained space between us and straddle your hips. My fingers lie dormant against the nape of your neck, your eyes close because seeing the truth in mine always cut you the deepest. We sit there for a moment, hesitating at crossing the same line we've had no problem reconstructing before and that's when I feel you give me the remaining part of you you've always kept hidden from me. The tenderness your fingers displayed against my skin didn't soothe me. It rattled me to the bone, and my slick folds could no longer wait for you to make the next move.
You sensed my desperation and decided to prolong my torture. I almost lost my mind when your gaze finally met mine and your thumb pressed into my clit, slowly and painfully dragging out my desire for you. The sound alone of your finger sliding in and out of me was enough to increase my impatience tenfold. Your smile was an indication that you missed the way my body only ever responded this way to you. You knew the others were only there to fill the emotional void you could never provide for me.
My body never died because of you. It came alive in between the forbidden thoughts I've had about you and the memories of how I always caught myself from screaming your name whenever a lover spent the night in my arms. They fucked me good. But they never looked at me the way you're doing so now.
You were a caged animal trapped inside a man who had to swallow the key to his emotional freedom. I couldn't tell you how many times I've whispered my condolences into the breeze, hoping it would find its way into your heart and you would forgive me for making you feel too much too soon. But you planned on taking your revenge tonight. I could see it in your eyes now. You've been waiting for this moment for a long time. You're ready to show me just how much you've loved me all along.
Your fingers stop their movements inside of me and you decide to reach for your cock then, allowing your solid tip to tease my opening. I press my aching clit over it, rolling my hips with an eager thrust. A laugh breaks from your throat and I begin to steal a kiss from your lips.
I wanted to steal everything from you before I left. I wanted to know what it felt like to be someone who could walk away from something as toxic as the air we breathe when the barbed wire kind of love wrapped around our necks. I wanted you to walk around without any air in your lungs, or peaceful thoughts to comfort you throughout the day. I wanted the sound of my name to bring you turmoil and longing, aching and madness.
I can feel all of that inside of you now as you finally push your cock into me and lose control of the beast you've kept away from the only woman who ever loved you back. My warm juices keep your cock entertained while your hands took grip of my breasts and squeezed, your thumbs circling and twisting at the peaks until they were ready to be devoured by your hungry tongue. You pumped into me at a quicker pace when you heard me whimper for more of your cock. Your hands leave my breasts and they take a firm grip on my ass as you fuck me so hard, I could feel my river of juices dripping down your shaft. Your mouth returns to my nipples, sucking and biting them one by one until they were both bruised from your eager mouth.
You pull me off your lap just before I cum, and lay me down onto my sofa, prying my thighs open far enough for you to slip in between them and tease my opening again with your hard shaft. Your fingers weave into my curls, your forehead resting against mine as your lips brush over mine and you finally plunge your stiff cock into me again. We both moan out loud in pleasure, and you brace your hands at my hips as you slip in and out of my wetness. You whisper my name into my ear, over and over again, begging for me to release you, not just physically but emotionally as well.
I kiss your swollen lips then, and wrap my legs around your waist, allowing you to enter me as deep as you possible could. It only intensified the sensation of my inner walls clinging to your cock, pumping you until we both came so hard, our juices clashed and your fingers made their way to my clit, forcing me to cum for you, again and again, until my body lied limp underneath you.
I tugged at your hair as you made your way down my body with gentle kisses, informing you I didn't want to play the long game. But you've always had a hard time processing what was good for you and you ignore my warning long enough for your head to dip in between my legs. The tip of your tongue flickers over my sensitive nub and my spent body returns from the grave for you. I smiled as I watch you lick every drop out of me, until my body convulsed from the pleasure.
You knew this was the last time I could break you free from your chains when I tell you I no longer have the strength to keep loving you the way I do. This wasn't what you thought it was and you realize that as you pull away from me after you've made me cum for the fourth time tonight. This was never about continuing our self-destructive patterns. This wasn't about you running back to me.
This was always about me turning into you.