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To begin with, I have no more psychological issues than the everyday person. I was neither sexually abused at any point in my life nor do I suffer from any form of sexual disorder: I am completely capable of enjoying a sexual encounter without the aid of BDSM. I also knew early on that my sexual preferences were anything but traditional. Becoming excited over the scent and feel of smoothed rubber was a dead giveaway.
For those of you who gained BDSM knowledge from Fifty Shades of Grey, check what you think you know at the door. BDSM is divided into three areas: BD, bondage and discipline; DS, Dominance and submission; and SM, for sadomasochism. Not everyone participates in all areas, nor do they conduct themselves identically; it's entirely up to the couple to decide. That is the beauty of it all, it is adaptable for the individuals.
When discussing BDSM, many believe the Dominant holds all the cards. This is a common misconception and is one of the biggest myths about Dominant-submissive play. A true Dominant-submissive relationship is based upon the needs, wants, desires and curiosities of the sub; the submissive defines boundaries. After all, they are the ones at the end of the riding crop.
A genuine Dominant will listen closely, continually ask questions, and help the Submissive creatively and safely explore their innermost self. A Dominant is not only catering to the submissive but themselves as well. They are learning to take control, to assert themselves, and can expand their desires in highly intimate stages. Therefore, the four pillars of a Dominant-submissive relationship consist of trust, communication, respect, and honesty. Without all four the relationship will fail.
I’m continually asked what I get out of this relationship: why do I achieve such glee from being ‘placed under him’. To be up front, I do enjoy defying my Dominant from time to time: breaking his rules and, in some ways, undermining him. But if I feel that way, then why do I want to be the submissive within the relationship? Frankly, I like the concept of being ‘owned’. I need to know (as well as crave) he will 'put me in my place' through some kind of playful "punishment/discipline" that we both have agreed on and somehow, on some level, enjoy.
I want to be mastered, taken and led by the man I love, which is exactly why I sometimes defy. This is by far more pleasing than discipline alone. If my Dominant doesn't rise to the challenge it's a disappointing turn-off to me. For the most part, a man who oozes his alpha position is most alluring. My husband is exceedingly tempting, but when he is in a Dominant mode the attraction becomes more primeval. There is something about him knowing that he is the stronger of the two that excites me.
For some people, this is where S&M comes into play. For others, it's bondage and/or spanking and/or kink. Then there are those who involve humiliation and standing in the corner like a berated child: not our cup of tea. Never knowing 'exactly' what my Dominant is going to do, that slight fear of the unknown, is most erotic.
With that being said, a submissive must always know that they are safe with their Dominant and won't be pushed beyond their limits, physically, mentally or emotionally. BDSM is not abuse. If this happens and the submissive immediately wants it to stop, a mutually agreed upon "safe word,” something that is easily remembered and brief, brings the ‘play’ to an abrupt halt.
Someone once said to me "That's no relationship." It is first and foremost a part of a relationship, but it's not all the relationship is. You need to be compatible in a myriad of ways beyond the whips and chains for the relationship to be successful. The two of you must be in tune with one another both emotionally and mentally. There must be a deeper bond with one another to instill the level of trust needed for a Dominant-submissive relationship to begin.
When you love your partner and that love is returned, it becomes a form of a private, special journey that encourages you to explore yourself and each other in intimate ways. Sex is more like an extension of that journey which allows you to dig beneath the surface, ask, to explore things about yourself and your partner that you never knew existed. The intensity and connection that develops almost feels cosmic. You become attached to one another, like muscle on bone. You are fully exposed and it’s no longer a ‘you’ thing, but a ‘we’ thing. This form of vulnerability is something I will never share with any other besides my husband.
It is my personal belief that a Dominant-submissive relationship makes for a stronger connection. When the Dominant plays their part, they tend to know far more about their significant other than a more ‘vanilla’ couple would. This is because, as I mentioned earlier, the Dominant has taken the time to build a level of intuition and trust with his partner that other relationships lack. Within the Dominant-submissive relationship, both parties have explored each other, as well as themselves, together. Each step of the journey is a partnership.