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Sex can be fun. Sex can be sexy. Sex can be orgasmic. However, sometimes sex can be a bit distracting. Not because we don't love our partner or desire them, but because as a parent, days can be LONG and EXHAUSTING. That is why, occasionally, when it is time for some late night lovin', a woman's mind may seem to wander and her attention may be everywhere but in the moment. Especially Monday through Thursday. It's not like we mean to, it just happens. What to do, where we have to go, what we forgot are just a few of the questions pestering our minds constantly and what better time than while partaking in a quiet concentrated activity like SEX to figure it all out. I mean it's dark, I'm naked, and the kids are asleep; sounds like the perfect time to overthink, plan, and list shit, if you ask me!
Here are just a few of a woman's weekly sex-distracting thoughts.
What should I pack the kids for lunch?
I cannot tell you how many times I've created my child's lunch menu while rolling around naked in the sack with my hubs. Who knew missionary could influence a salami sandwich.
Oh man, is he really trying to do the whole foreplay thing?
I love you, babe, I really do, but sometimes I just want to get this sex show on the road so we can move on to DVR, Kindle, and sleep. I appreciate your want to do things to me, I really do, but it's Tuesday.
Shh, what was that? Did I just hear a kid?
Ahhh, the dreaded, "will I scar my kids for life if they ever caught me having sex" worry. No parent can help but fear this dreaded scenario. I especially feel bad for my husband because as a woman I am OK with not climaxing every sex session, but for the men who are lucky enough to reach the big O every time, to hear the patter of little feetsies or the call of Mommy's name right before he is about to finish can bring on a slur of curse words no child should ever hear.
I have to get up in six hours.
Nothing like glancing at the clock mid-sesh and having a mini stroke when you realize you have to get up in sex hours.
I think I may have a UTI.
Something doesn't feel right. I have to remember to pee as soon as this is over. I have no time to go to a freaking doctor. I wonder if we have any cranberry juice left? Does cranberry cocktail juice work? What the hell is the difference anyway? God dammit, I probably, definitely, most likely, but hopefully don't have a freaking UTI!
I need to cut my toenails.
When is the last time I got a pedicure? It feels like Freddy Krougar is down there attacking my sheets. If I don't keep these things hidden I may slice his leg open. Nothing says orgasm like a 3-inch toenail.
Should I initiate a position change?
I should probably make this guy's night and surprise him with an unexpected sex position change like reverse cowgirl. OK, maybe just a regular cowgirl. That seems like a lot of work so maybe just good ol' doggy style. Ahhh, fuck it, how about I just lift my leg higher. There we go. Happy Wednesday, babe, don't say I never do anything for you.
I wonder if my vagina feels the same as it did ten years ago?
To me it feels the same. I wonder if it feels the same for him? Granted I'm ten pounds heavier, a bit more wrinkly, and a lot more cranky, but does my vagina feel older? And why don't guys deal with any of this shit? Imagine if they had to worry about their penis getting looser with age and babies?
Do I have enough broccoli for dinner tomorrow?
Sometimes they eat it, sometimes they don't. Regardless, I still have to make enough in case it's one of those, "we love broccoli" nights. Do I have any leftover from last shopping trip? Shit, why can't I remember. As soon as this is over I have to go check. Let's just hope I don't accidentally blurt out "OHHH broccoli" instead of "OHHH baby"!
Milk, Eggs, Turkey, Cheese, Shampoo...
If only there were a way to record my mental shopping list without saying a word, life and sex would be perfect! Like for real, talk about two birds one stone. Where the hell is the app or device for that? Why can't there be an Alexa, Google, or Apple that can hear my mental calling of, "Hey Alexa, add cheese to my shopping list" without saying an actual verbal word! A girl can dream, can't she?!
I wonder if I should finally attend a PTA meeting?
I got the damn paper notarized and sent in the registration check, so why the hell haven't I attended a meeting? I think there is one Wednesday. I am definitely going. It's about time they do something about that pickup line! Oh wait, the meeting was last Wednesday. Fucking fabulous. Well I guess there is always next month. "Alexa, set a reminder for possible PTA every Wednesday!"
How much does college really cost?
My kids are never going to college at this rate. Why is it so expensive? I wonder where they will go? Will they want to leave me and move far away? How will they pay for their student loans? God dammit, I need to call a financial adviser tomorrow and figure this shit out before I have a panic attack. OMG, what would I tell my husband if I started having a panic attack right now? That I'm thinking about college tuition and financial advisers while we are rolling around naked? Jesus, I'll never hear the end of it. "Think sexy thoughts, Jus, think sexy thoughts!"
Am I 33 or 34?
No seriously, how old am I? How old is my husband? 2018-1983=...34. God dammit, for a quick I second I thought I was still 33.
I wonder how many Weight Watchers points I'm burning?
I ate within my point range today, but I wonder how many activity points this is earning me. If I switched positions I would probably burn a lot more; I mean, honestly, how many points can missionary get you? Not a lot, I'm sure.