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This is a very raw, deep, and completely honest account of my progress from the time I received the call that James (my boyfriend of almost one year) killed himself. I will post two or three days at a time until I get to the present.
October 1, 2016
The past few days, I decided not to journal for a few different reasons, I had to take a step back, too many raw emotions. So many thoughts and feelings, as well as trying to process everything.
Whether or not Kevin realizes it, he has helped me: I know he would like to meet up and talk, but he has his own life to deal with and I totally understand. I can say anything to him and I know he will never judge me. He may come back with a catchy comeback and go with the flow. It’s so strange, he was with me during the time Joe and I split for the last time. He was and is a special friend, for that thank you.
Lucy, My Sweet Granddaughter
I didn’t finish journaling last night; I wound up taking care of Lucy (born 08/31/16) for a couple of hours while they went shopping.
October 2, 2016
So yesterday was our 1 year anniversary, so many feelings, emotions, and thinking about the things that we were going to do in the next year: I honestly don’t know where to start. I miss the everyday stuff, the morning text…..the miss you text…..the, I’m home and miss you text…the good night text. I know many people won’t or don’t understand what is so special about receiving these text. When you live an hour away from each other and one doesn’t drive, you stay in touch as much as you can. Because of money, I didn’t have many minutes on my phone, so we would text or message or once we had a video chat. There for a while, we had our weekends together, but when money and weather became an issue, we didn’t get to see each other as much as we would have liked and that could have had an adverse effect on James too. So many things lead up to him killing himself, things that I saw, but didn’t see. I am disappointed in him for not believing I would be beside him and we could have battled anything together. I am disappointed that he….not sure what the right word or words are…..I lost my best friend, lover, and protector and it hurts that he couldn’t protect me from him.
Lost River Cave
Then there are the feelings that most people don’t address, that is the need for sex: not the emotional type, but the deep release from “hardcore” sex. Now the reason I put that in quotation marks because what is hardcore to one person is something very different to another. It is whatever that gives you that earth-shattering orgasm, the one that makes you shake for minutes after and want more all at the same time.
Because we weren’t able to see each other but wanted to be connected, we had text sex and it was good but it made me want him. I don’t think he really realized how much he turned me on. Yes, I have had that sex from above, but there was something special about our sex, I know that sounds crazy but it could be as kinky as possible but it was so much more. Honestly, I don’t know how to describe it.
It is so bittersweet; the things that I fell in love with are the things in the end that caused him to kill himself. I honestly don’t know where to go from here. He made me happy, just getting a miss you message always brightens my day.