Lesbian Myths Uncovered

According to a portion of our intelligent society, lesbians are really robots who are programmed to think, look, and act the same. These lethal and contagious gay-bots are traveling the world stealing men’s wives, shaving their heads, and turning them… gay! Okay, I might be embellishing their theory a bit, but at the end of the day what’s the difference, ignorance is ignorance. To anyone who believes that gay women are any different than hetero women (aside from who they are attracted to) or that any of the below myths are true, then please contact me. I will immediately start a GoFundMe account to raise money for your stupid ass to get an education. I may even throw in a free flogging while we’re at it.

Apparently the country is obsessed with lesbian step moms. More specifically the east and west coast spend a great deal of time searching for lesbians online. Whether it is Orange is The New Black or the CW's sci-fi hit The 100, lesbians are the new stars of sexual fantasies for the average American web surfer. Perhaps the reality is not so surprising when viewed through the prism of human sexual evolution. Most scholars speculate that the simple reason lesbians were a less popular subject than homosexual men, was timing. Up until the 20th century, men were the dominant in every medium from books to film, women were secondary. In the workforce men were valued differently than women. In government, it was men who decided the fate of their constituents. Up until the 20th century, women barely had a voice. So don't be surprised by the popularity of lesbianism. The women of the world are just getting going. Viva lesbianism.

Lesbians stop getting their periods.

That’s right folks, there are people strolling your local streets who seriously believe that once a woman announces she is gay that she will then stop getting her monthly period. And no, I am not referring to people under the age of 12, these are grown adults making these assumptions. Honestly, I don’t even have any witty commentary to fire back because my brain will literally not allow me to respond to such absurd rubbish. Unless a female has issues with her ovaries, is experiencing menopause, or is an Olympic athlete, then she will continue to menstruate like every other woman, gay or not.

Lesbians love threesomes.

Lesbians love threesomes. I am going to go out on a limb here and say that a man came up with this one. Thanks to shitty porn and underactive imaginations, when some men see a gay female couple they automatically assume that the two women want to partake in an orgy, specifically with a man (and hopefully with him). Wheeooo wheeooo, you hear that? That’s the sound of the ASSHOLE ALARM. ALERT ALERT YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE!

Lesbians all hate men.

I love the theory that all lesbians hate men. Is the basis of their hatred stemmed from jealousy over wanting the same sex? Is it that all gay women hate men because they are smelly pompous pigs with hairy balls? Whatever the reason, let me assure you they are wrong. Lesbians are women, women are humans, and just like any other human, their hate is based on a case by case basis. Most likely if a gay woman doesn’t like a particular man it’s because he is a stupid jerkface and no one really likes him except his mother. Wow, it sounds like I hate men, huh? Oh my god, does that mean I am a lesbian? I must have caught it from that girl in Target who had on a flannel shirt and work boots. Damn it!

Butch lesbians need a lipstick lesbian.

In a relationship, one of the women must be “manly”. Ah ha, so now not only do people think lesbians hate men, but now they are also saying they want to be men. Make up your mind you ill-informed fools! Yes, there are different types of lesbians including the stereotypical terms, “butch” and “lipstick lesbo” but just because a woman has a certain style about herself does not mean she wants to be a man. Just because a chick may like to wear a strap-on every now and again does not mean she wants a real dick swinging between her legs.

Lesbian are not religious.

Yes, it is true that many religions look at homosexuality as a sin, but that does not mean that gay women don’t have faith or believe in God. In fact, there are many churches that welcome and accept all people just the way God made them. Amen, hallelujah.

Lesbians fuck like porn stars.

They all have sex like lesbian porn stars. I hate to pick on the men again (not really) but it’s hard to imagine that a male didn’t come up with this brilliant philosophy. I mean seriously, so you’re saying homosexual women are born with a porn star gene? Are they are designed to like G-string tan lines, fake tits, and waxed assholes? Is it in their blood to moan and groan and roll around like an award winning actress when climaxing? Do they have no choice but to eat pussy like a cat lapping at its kin? Um, no. You know who has sex like a porn star? A fucking porn star.

Lesbians promote lesbianism.

Gay women live, breathe, and promote lesbianism. If you think all lesbian’s run around preaching and singing, “I’m proud to be a lesbian, and I think you should be too” then once again you are about as smart as a rock. Sure, some homosexuals will stand up and defend their life, just as millions of others do who believe in equality and rights. Untwist your inconsiderate panties and relax because I promise you they are not trying to persuade you or your girlfriend to cross over to the gay side. And if they are you should be grateful for the compliment.

Lesbians only scissor.

Lesbians don’t have actual “sex”. If your only definition of sex is penis entering vagina, then yes you are correct, lesbians do not have sex. However, if your brain allows you to see more than black and white than you can acknowledge there are other ways to have sex. Try replacing a penis with a dildo or rubbing two extremely sensitive body parts together, both not only feel amazing but also provide intimacy and orgasms (if they do it right). I don’t want to go into too much detail because personally, I think it is totally cool that no one really knows how two women have sex unless they try it. I mean how erotic is that, partaking in something that feels so good and yet remains a mystery to the rest of world.