Kink and Fantasy 101

Kinky sex is tons of fun, so it’s definitely not hard to see why you’d be into it. It’s a great way to push your limits, test boundaries, and really get to know yourself on a truly interesting level. It can be a wonderful way to connect to a partner and build intimacy as well. In other words, liking kink is easy. Figuring out how to introduce a brand new partner to what you’re into can be a little more difficult.

Of course, the best case scenario would involve finding out your new bedmate is secretly kinky as well. Don’t assume that, if they turn out to be pretty vanilla, kicking things up a few notches is a complete no-go, though. It’s totally possible to ease them into it in a way that works for both of you. Let’s delve a little deeper into how.

Bringing Up the Subject

You don’t have to blindside your partner by bluntly bringing up the topic (and it’s actually recommended that you don’t). Instead, feel things out as far as how open-minded they might be by bringing up a few hypotheticals.

• Mention a dream you had about the two of you that involves one of your pet kinks and see how they respond.
• Suggest something a little sexy and risqué the next time it’s your turn to pick a flick for movie night. (Fifty Shades of Grey, anyone?) Talk about scenes from the movie in the interest of friendly discussion and see where it leads.
• Use kink-related pop culture references (e.g. celebrities known to be into kink) to open up the topic for discussion.

Yes, there’s always the chance your new partner could respond with disgust and dismay at the mere thought of adding a little kink to the mix, but you might be surprised. Most people are at least curious about it and probably more open-minded than you’d think.

Start slowly.

You don’t necessarily need to go from standard vanilla sex straight to pulling out all the stops (unless you’re both comfortable with that, that is). Generally speaking, it’s better to work little bits of kinkier play into the sexual routine you already have together, especially when you’re in the heat of the moment.

A little “kink lite” is going to sound ten times better if the both of you are already completely aroused and raring to go. Start small with a couple of options almost anyone would find approachable, like some dirty talk or sex that’s a little rougher than usual. You can definitely ask them first, but most people aren’t going to balk at a little impromptu naughty talk, so feel free to just go for it if the opportunity presents itself.

Make it about them.

Sometimes when people are opposed to kink, it’s not the kink they don’t like the idea of. It’s the possibility of being made to do something that doesn’t really take their needs and desires into consideration. You can avoid this by making sure your partner knows this isn’t about getting you off. It’s also about them—wanting to please them, get closer to them, and see them well-stimulated.

When you’re exploring together, try giving them some sexy instructions to follow. Stress how much it turns you on to see them doing this. Look for additional opportunities to shape the experience around what they’re feeling as well. Anyone’s more likely to keep an open mind when they feel prioritized and empowered by what’s going on, instead of pressured and controlled.

Keep an open mind yourself.

Naturally, you hope that once you introduce your partner to your kink, they turn out to be as into it as you are… but what if they’re not? Don’t worry. It doesn’t mean your budding relationship isn’t meant to be. It does probably mean some adjustments are going to be necessary. Consider the following suggestions:

• The fact that your partner isn’t as into water sports or extreme degradation as you are doesn’t necessarily mean they wouldn’t be into anything a little kinkier. Try to figure out whether there’s something deliciously naughty and kinky you’d both potentially be into. You may have a golden opportunity on your hands to try something you’ve always wanted to.
• Schedule a no-judgment fantasy swap with your partner. Each of you should take turns making suggestions. Once you’re done, pick a few possibilities off of each person’s list for future consideration.
• Put your partner in the driver’s seat the next time the two of you explore kink. They may be more open to more possibilities if they get to be the one calling all the shots.

At the end of the day, serious kink isn’t necessarily for everyone. However, most people do enjoy pushing boundaries and stretching limits within contexts that are comfortable for them. The key to success is to keep working together to create a wonderfully lavish sex life you’ll both enjoy to the utmost.