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I Do, I Do, and I Do Too

Re-Establishing the Love Paradigm

There is more love where that comes from

Commence the continuation from my last article,  Florescent Adolescent, which I recommend checking so that you all can stay up to date. 

I left off expressing my frustration at the current love paradigm that sells women (and men) the idea that we are destined for only one lover, or, at the least, we must settle for one before our biological clocks run out. 

This discontent erupted from lingering recollections of a past lover. This man I spoke of from my last article, Mr. W, is married and has a child with the women he told me he was in love with from that fateful day of our final "breakup," for lack of a better phrase. 

I remain upset at the situation. Upset because he too, believes that he has to choose only one woman to love for the rest of his waking life. How unfair is this? For two individuals to be ripped apart, first by our (prodominently mine) foolishness, then remain apart, due to self inflicted physical and mental enslavement by a sysytem, that is, for the most part, highly immoral and insidious. In my opinion, anyways. 

Imagine if we both freed ourselves of this ridiculous one love idea. Say we dated other individuals during our physical separation, but we would at least leave open the opportunity to allow our love to persist and potentially resume at any given point, even if we fell in love with another individual. My goodness that sounds liberating. 

Now, here comes some more juiciness and intrigue. I am currently in a relationship with a man I love and created a child with one year ago, that we define as a "multiple mate relationship." Within this, he dates, f***s, and romantically involves himself with other women. I have even partaken in some of these rather lustful ventures. This was particularly prominent in our wild honeymoon phase of drinking bottles of wine, socializing with important people and, you know, indulging in luscious threesomes from time to time. I am not going to lie, it turns me on seeing him f*** other women. We chose which women that we and/or he would invite into the relationship.

Let me make this completely clear: my other mates are the female mates we invite into the relationship, as agreed upon. Other men are not on the invite list. 

When I was first introduced to this type of love paradigm, I truly felt it was perfect for me. I wanted to only be with one man, and as a bonus, I enjoyed intimacy with women. I had the best of both worlds, right? 

I must point out that my proclaimed sense of sexuality was never challenged before I met my current mate. Never did I analyze what was leading me into my obvious ravenous sexual appetite and, at times, a debilitating need for intimacy. I realized how constructed it was. This was not by my creation, however, but from entities such as media and other various forms of entertainment, parental, and cultural upbringing, and even institutionalized public education. My sexuality was not my own. I was a porcelain doll riding along a conveyer belt, subjected to chemicals, mental traumas, persuasion, misogyny, and disempowering ideals only to be stocked on the shelf, attracting whatever or whomever my maker created me for. 

So, when introduced to male polyamory and female serial monogamy (dating one individual at a time and moving on to the next after previous intimate relationship ends), being the most optimal for the male and female, along with being the most biologically natural, I welcomed it with open arms and even, to some extents, agreed, and still agree, with some of the arguments lending to this paradigm. 

Over time, however, I have experienced some of the flaws within this paradigm. It does have its purposes, nonetheless. It is for these purposes that I am not adamant about risking this relationship for anyone, not even Mr. W. 

Now, I will dive into even deeper details into my opinion and arguments, or at least my questioning of it, on what is biologically set for humans, particularly human females, for yet another article. I will also further discuss the flaws and purposes, as stated above, within this paradigm, that primarily derives from personal experience and other various teachers/intellectuals that educate on this matter.  

I would like to conclude on a last thought.

To all absorbing my story,

It is my belief, that the constraints of what is deemed as loyal in the name of marriage or being a "good woman" are suffocating us so much that surrendering to the anxiety and disappointment is becoming a normal state of being, and is even preferred over the discomfort in relaying our truths, even if it is just to ourselves. I do not have the answer, you see. I am in the midst of discovery. What I do believe is that I am not a rare case of a woman who vowed to be with one ma  and is either holding passion for a past, current, or even future potential lover. Those emotions, I do not believe, are man-made ideals. I believe those emotions are biological for women, always have been, and if so, what is the significance of that? Most importantly, what will we DO with that? And who then, ultimately, are we striving to become? 

Ezili Ray
Ezili Ray

I am a New York city residing woman creatively expressing personal experiences in relationships, motherhood, health, sex, society and more.

I welcome you all to my public confessional. 

Gifts, my friends, are also welcome.

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