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Women's magazines get a lot of flak for being a bit crazy at times. Though they often raise great points in terms of relationship and sex advice, the truth is that even the greatest magazines out there will occasionally slip up and come up with advice that is totally off-kilter, weird, or downright hilariously bad.
Bad sex advice is everywhere - and sometimes, even pros may get fooled. One can only imagine how bad some of the outcomes of this bad sex advice could have been with the poor people who tried these. For your own sake, you might want to avoid trying out the following sex tips - even if someone you know may have shared that advice via email or Facebook.
"Lick the soft spot in front of his ears."
Uh, wait. Guys have a soft spot in front of their ears? I thought that section was skull...or like, these chubby things people call cheeks? Could we have an anatomy lesson, here? I think someone forgot what a human head looks like.
Or, you know, maybe they forgot what species they were working for when they were writing this thing. It kind of sounds like a sex tip Liono from Thundercats would use.
"Take a tennis ball and roll it with slight pressure between his shoulders and over his butt to help him release pent-up sexual energy."
We're not kidding, people. This is a legitimate tip that was published in an old issue of Cosmopolitan. I don't know about you, but I don't really feel comfortable using tennis balls as part of sex.
Also, what kind of guy has pent up sex energy between his shoulders? At least, with the butt part, that makes sense.
"Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)."
If you literally are trying to push a man's penis into his body, you probably don't understand how sex is supposed to work. He's not a transformer robot. You can't make him turn into a girl, and if anything, this might just feel really uncomfortable.
This hilariously bad tip regularly gets called one of the worst sex tips from women's magazines as a whole. We can see why.
"Very softly bite the skin of his scrotum."
This reader-submitted tip appeared in yet another issue of Cosmopolitan, and we have to at least point out that the magazine writers weren't the ones who came up with that idea. That being said, we'd be terrified if we felt teeth down there as men.
In terms of being able to get guys into the ER, this is one of the best sex tips out there. However, in terms of being able to get guys into the idea of sleeping with you, this is one of the worst sex tips ever suggested in history.
"Head to the local Indian restaurant or try a new recipe together - the spicier the better. Studies found that ginseng and saffron, in particular, are two spices proven to enhance bedroom performance."
This tip, which came right from SHAPE, has its heart in the right place. You should take care of your body and diet right in order to ensure that you can perform well in bed. Indian food also happens to be very healthy, so there's that, too.
However, going to an Indian restaurant probably isn't a good idea if you're trying to get laid. Indian food is incredibly filling, is easy to overindulge in, and trying to bounce up and down during sex may make certain things come back up.
We love the idea of bringing fitness and nutrition into the world of sex tips, but for the love of all that is holy, you might want to actually think about them being realistic.
"Bring your lover on your food shopping excursion. View it as sensual foreplay. You can have a lot of fun caressing and gently squeezing foods and inhaling their aromas. The conversation should be entertaining, too."
This gem appeared in SheKnows, and anyone who has ever taken their lover food shopping can tell you that it's really not that erotic. More often than not, it's scrambling to get all the items you need without forgetting things - just like every other food shopping trip you've ever taken.
That being said, if you can turn it into foreplay, I will be impressed with your skill. If you do decide to get pervy in the grocery store, you should probably expect to get stares. You might even end up having a kid nearby ask his mom what you're pretending to do to that zucchini.
Oh, and you may get banned from Trader Joe's. Isn't that sexy?
"Make two fists around my shaft and twist them in opposite directions as hard as you can."
This sex tip first appeared in Cosmopolitan, and since then it has gone viral - and for good reason. This really bad sex tip has been inspiring people to write about bad sex tips because it literally is telling you to give your partner an Indian Rug Burn on the most sensitive part of his body.
Many sexperts say that this might just be the worst sex tip in magazine history. In fact, it even sparked an entire article on Cracked about the sex tips published in magazines that would land you in the hospital.
That being said, if you do choose to use this sex tip, you will make your man scream. However, his screams will not be pleasurable; they will be telling you to get him an ambulance.
This only goes to show you that the worst tips from women's magazines often make for the best comedy.
"Making him a snack after sex. It doesn't have to be a gourmet meal – a simple grilled cheese or milk and cookies will do."
Glamour magazine was the one that penned this pearl, and to be fair, it would probably go over well with the guy. The only problem with this is that it's kind of a 1950s-ish tip that makes the girl basically act like a house servant to a guy, and that this tip was actually noted as a way to "lock him down."
The same article that spawned this bad sex tip also ended up being retracted, with the magazine's editors releasing the following apology and statement:
We understand that the list read like a 1950s marriage handbook – and nobody wants to go back there. That being said, we'll always be here to help you decode dating. So let's be clear: You're welcome to make a grilled cheese for anyone you love, but you shouldn't be whipping one up in an effort to lock the all-important 'him' down. (That's just a waste of Gruyere.)
What we want for you is love based on equality, not indentured servitude with date night. We're sorry for slipping off message. And speaking of slipping, please, please ignore that beer-right-out-of-the-shower thing. It feels like it could get dangerous fast."
You know things are pretty darned bad when the editors of a magazine actually have to step in to apologize for what they said.
"My girlfriend gets a glazed donut and sticks my penis through the hole. She nibbles around it, stopping to suck me every once in a while. The sugar beads from her mouth tingle on my tip."
This confession became Cosmopolitan's worst notorious sex tip, primarily because it just doesn't work, looks hilarious, and could also possibly cause yeast infections and UTIs - depending on the man's cleanliness.
Colloquially, it's known as "The Donut Trick," and it's spawned a huge number of articles mocking the magazine's sex tips section. Some have even used it to illustrate the insane disassociation that there seems to be between men and women.
Though some of Cosmopolitan's advice has been spot-on, the Donut Trick was not one of those sex tips that actually helps women rule the bedroom. It's only excellent when it comes to adding humor to sex. Besides, not all guys can actually fit in a donut hole, anyway.
"Pick up a box of drugstore hair color (the kind that eventually washes out) and go to town on each other. You'll get that sexy hands-on-the-scalp feeling along with the risky excitement of not knowing quite how it's going to turn out."
This gloriously awful sex tip was found in the pages of Women's Health, and man, it leaves us speechless.
Hair color and sex do not work out well. That "tingle" you feel dyeing each other's hair is actually your scalp burning. Moreover, getting frisky while dyeing your hair is a good way to dye your pristine white bathroom walls brown, blue, black, red, or pink.
Also, if you have ever seen the kind of sheer panic women tend to have when they're not sure how their hair will turn out, you already know that this isn't so much a sex tip as it is a form of psychological torture.
What's scary about this is that this is one of the worst sex tips from women's magazines. Like, they should know their demographic well enough to not suggest a form of torture on them. Really, Women's Health?