Why Showing a Vanilla Your Fetlife Profile is Not Always a Great Idea...

It may seem like I've got a bit of a downer on the vanillas at the moment. I haven't but as I've said in my previous writings, I came to a conclusion about them this week. So on that premise, I thought I'd share some of the amusing conversations I have had.

I often find that there is a huge disconnect between what a vanilla man perceives as kinky and the actual reality of what kink is. This is never more so demonstrated when you get them to explain themselves.

For example, I met one guy on a dating site. One of the first things he said to me was, "I'm a bit kinky is that a problem?" I suppressed my mirth and said, "Not especially."

We then went on to have a reasonably productive conversation about stuff he's done, stuff he would like to do. I listened with interest, so far so good. He then got a bit bolder and asked if he could run something by me?

He then began to talk of a fantasy he had. He wanted to pick me up in a car... (my ears pricked up at this one, maybe this guy isn't as 'nilla as I thought?) and then drive me to a deserted location... (at this point my mind had leaped several light years ahead. Rape play? Abduction? Take down and capture? I was agog.) and then take me out of the car... (I was on the edge of my seat at this point) ... and fuck me against the side of the car standing up.

"Urm... and anything else?" I inquired hopefully. No answer was forthcoming.

"So, you would let me do that to you?" He asked.

"Yes. But perhaps not on a first date," I laughed.

"You mean you would really let me do that to you?" He inquired hesitantly. One wonders what was going through his mind.

Oh dear. We've found the level have we?

Another guy1. He tried desperately to convince me why he was kinky. "OK," I said, "We can't begin like this. I'd like you to come to Fet, look at my profile, read my writing, have a nose around. Ask questions."

So off he went. The hours passed. No message from him. No message the next morning. Oh for the love of God, he's gone Missing in Action. I text him a message or so asking him if he's okay. They were ignored. I was perturbed. What had he seen on my profile? Maybe it was the picture of the fox tail butt plug which was visible. I know some 'nillas can be a bit icky about plugs with tails.

I didn't receive another message from him for well over 24 hours. By which time I had come to the conclusion that he wasn't right for me.

Another guy. Again, viewed my profile. He reacted quite aggressively towards me, going so far even suggest I was a sociopath2. Talk about projected anger! That was all because I refused to get further acquainted.

Now I know I sometimes act like a man but I don't think like one. At times like these, I need to pass things through my '"Dom filter." My filter is a small group of Dominants and Masters who I trust to speak the truth and not cock block or twist things for their own aims. I explained what had happened and the answer was interesting.

He said that hitting a woman can be a very big deal. That taking control is hard. And if a man had read the fetishes and realised he simply could not do what was being asked of him, well, some may well choose to get angry and then project that anger.

But generally, a lot of conversations go the same way.

'Yes, I've tied women up in bed before." Now tell me would that be the scarf or your tie?

"Course I've had anal." Dear God. Every man I've ever had has always tried to stick it up there. Usually with varying degrees of success.

"Course I've spanked a woman, in bed that is." Hmmm...

"I once put my hands on a woman's throat during sex." Just the once then?

"Why would I want to tie your breasts up?" Why indeed. Face palm.

I don't mean to denigrate but just to illustrate that the world of kink and the world of vanilla kink are not even on the same playing field. To the vanilla, he probably perceives himself to be deeply kinky. Maybe so kinky that he has to hide it from his partner in case she calls him a freak. I get that answer in correspondences a lot. The sense of relief in them is palpable when they realise that they can actually talk to a woman about this. However, what I hear is a man who only wants kinky sex.

Kinky sex and D/s are not the same thing. Not at all. And the reason we are not even on the same playing field hinges around one word: control.

I just never hear that word. I never hear the phrase, "I want to control a woman." The desire to control is what sets the Masters apart. A man who has the desire, the need to control will very probably have already found this world for himself. I am a submissive. I have a deep need to be controlled. Everything else is just a means to an end. A pleasurable means to an end but window dressing fundamentally.

So that's it, the bottom line. Control. I have no desire for just kinky sex. I have no desire to train a vanilla. I maybe could show them the road to Dominance but I cannot teach them how to Top or be a sadist. It is innate. A mindset.

So I've begun to feel increasingly anxious about the whole Fet profile thing. What would they think? Could they handle it or even me? What if they get angry again?

And I really shouldn't have to feel that way. But more importantly, I choose not to feel that way. Never again will I allow someone who I think is vanilla to see it. Time and time again they have demonstrated that they simply can't handle it.

It's a deep shame and I really feel for those men who are trapped in a world where they are not free to be themselves. I cannot be their key to this world. They need to step out of their prison themselves.