Why Having A Big Penis Sucks

He said, “Baby, are you ready for 5”… around?”

She said “Honey I shouldn’t have to feel like an employee when I am giving a blowjob. Sometimes it feels like a real job but without any perks.”

This type of banter is not unusual for those both blessed and cursed with a bald-pate friar or a third leg. I say curse and blessing because it really is a double edged sword, pardon the pun. Despite porn stars' thoughts on penis size, Big dicks are not all they are cracked up to be. The average male has approximately 4.5-5.5” of erect masculinity. That is something to be proud of. There are many men who walk around with a 4” penis and a shitload of performance anxiety. If you are one of those men, do not feel slighted. Perhaps a look at the other side of the spectrum, an analysis of big dicks, will help ease some anxiety. For those with the normal sized penis, my advice is stop thinking about whether your partner is dreaming of a man who says, “but honey I am not all the way in,” and start appreciating your average sized cock. Unlike the sexual aphrodisiac, money (which you can never have enough of), when it comes to cock, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

Girth

Girth causes lockjaw. I spoke with a secretary in an urgent care office in a small town in Connecticut, well known for exceptional blowjobs, and she said that she sees at least two people a month suffering from lockjaw due to girth. One of the women she explained was really complaining about her boyfriend’s 5” circumference. She was literally gagging on his candy stick. She said she almost threw up and was drooling saliva on the knockwurst in between coming up for air. It was worse than scuba diving. On average, a really great blowjob for both participants should be no more than a five minute experience. The nurse at urgent care told me this woman was spending over 40 minutes a night suffering through fellatio. The force of eruption was harsh enough to bruise the inside of her cheek. That said, she had good things to say about ramming his space shuttle into her port, but then again she said her vagina has been able to adapt more than her mouth to his Ding Wallace.

Less Sex

An extra big penis generally means less sex. When a penis looks more like a coke bottle, many women say they would rather give birth than have sex with the guy. At least if they give birth, there would be something worth all the effort. A woman at a local bar in Danbury, Connecticut explained to me during my research that her boyfriend had Baby Arm syndrome. His dick literally looked like an infant’s arm, fat rolls and all. Her relationship ended one night when he refused to help her orgasm after she had spent 15 minutes riding the bull. He was 8.7”. Later, she told me that her relationship hung in the balance over an inch. Many women are like magnets when it comes to big penises, and be sure many have the matching equipment to receive such large packages. But the notion that a big dick is the best dick is far from reality. For my friend at the bar, her biggest pet peeve was the limited positions she and her partner could experiment with. Doggy style, a universal favorite among the male species, was a no go, because it just went too deep. She said she needed two Advil before she went to sleep.

Condoms

Big penises created a problem for the condom industry. For years condom companies lost money on extra large condom manufacturing. There are not many rubber solutions for a 9” beef bayonet. Many women with well endowed partners find that often the condom gets lost inside their vagina. Best hope there is that it falls out late that evening. Worst case is a gynecological fishing expedition. Big dicks break condoms like the hulk smashes iron man in the Avengers: Age of Ultron. Giant condoms don’t hold onto their lube. A woman in the mall near the Apple store told me that she was spending $30 a week just on KY for her man’s Lincoln log. If he goes dry, she says, it is really painful at that size. If one doesn’t keep that thing all lubed up, it gets real messy. Blood, cum, and KY begin to soak into the mattress. It starts to look like a scene out of American horror story.

Big Penis is Funny

Is it funny like a clown? If by clowns one means it is both entertaining and frightening at the same time, then yes, big penis is funny like a clown. Why else would there be more names for a penis than there are comedy clubs? The names vary as extensively as the dicks they describe, including Albino Asparagus, the big dipper, blue-veined aristocrat, buster hymen, clam hammer, crotch cannon, cock-a-saurus rex, Excalibur, Fat Albert, Grabthar’s hammer, the giving tree, lap lizard, Otis Deepthroatis, puff the one eyed dragon, Russel the one eyed muscle, womb broom, veinous maximus, and finally, Barbara Bush’s favorite, weapon of ass destruction.

Overconfidence

One of the side effects of a big dick is the mythology that follows those endowed from the time they are in grade school. Before they have ever dipped their monster wick, their friends have made them out to be famous studs with a reputation that precedes them. Without realizing that some things are better observed and admired from afar, these heavy hung individuals try to turn myth into reality and are often very disappointed by the results. Size has nothing to do with talent.

Confidence may often lead to the hottest sex, but overconfidence and lack of communication can lead to bedroom disasters. When your schlong looks like airforce one, a little instruction can go a long way. Pardon the pun.

Hard Work

Sometimes size does matter. More often than not though, size is not a game changer. It all comes down to the woman. Size is as much a personal decision as a biological one. A woman has to be honest with herself. Trial and error is the best advice for women who want to know if they are fit to take on an armored tank on a regular basis. But, of course, everyone wants to drive a tank at least once. Better does not mean bigger. It means the ability to use what you were given. Men with big dicks should take heart, for every big dick, science says there is the right vagina out there, you just have to look harder, pardon the pun.