What makes a man want to commit? This is a common but misguided question that can begin stirring in a woman's mind as early as before the first date, and usually indicates you're approaching dating from the wrong direction.
I have seen firsthand how easy it is to have your self-esteem squished to the level that you approach every date thinking that this could be The One.
No matter what anyone says about singleness being a time of unbridled adventure and carefree fun (which it can be) it can also feel like an endurance marathon of loneliness. As the months or years of riding solo roll by, watching your friends get paired up, you can't help but wonder what's wrong with you that you haven't yet established a lasting relationship.
You wish you knew the secret location of all the ‘good guys’ and once you think you found him, the trick to ‘what makes him want to commit.'
The truth? There is no such trick, given all the variables that dictate a good or poor match. There are no ‘good’ and ‘bad’ guys. There are men you are more or less compatible with, and men who are more or less open to commitment.
I imagine that if you set your standards low, if you just wanted any old boyfriend, you could land one tomorrow after all, you're smart and beautiful and desirable. That’s not what you want though. You want a man you connect with, a man who excites you and makes the thought of commitment to him feel natural and amazing.
There is no formula to this and actually, dating too tactically and goal-oriented hinders the natural progression of a serious relationship; to walk into every encounter trying to decipher his ‘game’ is utterly stressful.
Instead, your job is now three fold:
- Worry more about you than him (for now). People can be unpredictable and hard to read, but you're not – not to you, anyway. Don't waste time and energy working out every possible scenario in your mind–you won't succeed–and keep up with the non-romantic things that matter to you and fuel positive thinking. Challenge yourself at cool group workout classes, plan an impromptu weekend road trip with your best friends or take up a new hobby while you have that extra time you'll have to reserve soon enough for a (very lucky) significant other. The stronger you are, the more independent you feel, the clearer decisions you’ll make when it comes to dating. I know a hobby isn’t a boyfriend, but it will help to keep you moving forward through a time that can sometimes feel disorientating.
- Don't lower your standards to a level you know won't satisfy you. Swap your mindset from ‘what makes him want to commit’, to ‘I expect him to want to commit to me'; at the end of the day, if he doesn't want to commit to you he by definition is not your person. You need to adopt the expectation of abundance. There are so many men who have potential to satisfy you and give you what you need, so be confident in your decision to leave behind the ones who don't.
- The commitment level he can offer you has less to do with you, and more to do with him. You can be the most incredible woman, but he could have unresolved issues in his life (career uncertainty, inexperience with women, feeling that he’s too young to settle down, etc.) and it's nearly impossible to change someone's mind once they've identified those inner goals. People are more capable of making a sincere commitment when they’ve sorted themselves. Guys who are emotionally mature, who have stability in other areas of their lives, will make much better partners than ones who you coerced into being with you.
If you feel the guy is worth waiting for, then give him the time to work on yourself and use the time to do the same, and I suspect you'll come to realize that when he's ready to devote himself to you he'll do so wholeheartedly and without restraint.
So instead of thinking ‘what will make him commit?’ think about selecting men who want to commit from the start. You don’t need to convince anyone of your worth, and never settle for less.
Meet more men - find out how by getting Hayley's Free Cheat Sheet on meeting him In Real Life at www.hayleyquinn.com/reallife.