What Does Facial Hair Say About Your Sex Life?

For over a century, anthropologists have worked to identify character traits and their specific relevance or relationship to facial hair. Throughout the world, it is a universal belief that a long, grey beard such as that of Gandalf the wise or Harry Potter’s Dumbledore, represents wisdom. But what does Magnum P.I.’s mustache mean? Does a goatee have meaning? And what did those small germanic mustaches actually represent? A study by Dr. James Brussel reveals a distinct connection between facial hair and sexuality. Beyond the intellectual exercise, Dr. Brussel explores unique sexual preferences that often correlate to your facial hair grooming habits.

In the beginning—said to be 100 million years ago—men and women had similar hair except on the face and pubis. Anthropologically, it seems that as soon as homo sapiens began standing erect, he began losing the bulk of his hair which, by the way, was on his back. However, since hair plays a strong role in sexual identification, it is no surprise that some of it has been retained—a sort of program, one might say, so that each player knows the score.

Facial growths have developed their own special identification, one which often overrides character of the wearer. All over the world, flowing beards have stood for wisdom, strength, and fatherliness. When artists have drawn the face of God, it has been with a flowing, white beard. On the other hand, slick pointy beards and mustaches have come to signify craftiness and evil. Have you ever seen the devil drawn or represented with a flowing beard? Mephistopheles usually has a neat pointy little goatee. Recall a few bad guys of the past like Rasputin and Svengali.

Facial Hair in Biblical Times

When Delilah sheared off Samson’s hair he lost his strength, and only then could he be taken captive. But when the hair grew back—even though he had been blinded and weakened—Samson was able to bring down the house. This Biblical tale is a classic example of another traditional association of hair with strength: the more the hair, the more the man.

For centuries, some orders of the Roman Catholic Church have made it a practice to shave the heads of nuns and to tonsure monks. To this day, one of the first things the U.S. Army does with recruits is to clip their scalps, and the same practice used to be prevalent in prisons. All these are places where sexual identification is discouraged.

Facial Hair in the 21st Century

In the cultural context of this century, the wearing of long hair or the growing of a mustache requires a decision. The decision, simply, is that one does not shave. But from that first decision follow others: which parts will be shaved and which will be allowed to grow? And how much will it grow? Will it be waxed and groomed? Or will it just grow as it will? And since the decision-making process is a self-serving one, the man who grows his hairy adornment is, in psychological terms, creating another aspect of his ego or personality.

Thus, the mustache or beard becomes part of the mask that a man puts on in order to control those parts of his character that he shows to others. Consciously, the man choosing a beard is doing so because he thinks it adds to his appearance and attractiveness to the female.

It would be impossible to explain accurately all the reasons why any specific man would grow a specific type of beard or mustache. Yet the fact of the adornment's existence gives the first clue to the psychological make-up of the man behind the mask.

Psychiatry of Facial Hair

The mustache is obviously orally oriented. Psychiatry calls the period from birth to about two years the oral-erotic stage. This is the period in life when an individual's only means of achieving gratification of conscious desires is by making noises. If these noises bring him gratification, whether through feeding or just being held snugly, the child learns that his mouth is a valuable asset in attaining pleasure.

Psychiatrists regard the mustache as an adult reflection of infantile oral-eroticism. It is also recognized that the mostache neutralizes unconscious feelings of inferiority. This is true partly because the mustache is an attempt to improve on one's appearance and partly because the mustache is, in essence, a phallic symbol signifying strength.

Facial Hair and Sexual Preference

For the sake of generalization—an admittedly hazardous task—let us create a "sample" man. On this man, we shall place various types of facial adornment (in each case assuming that he wears his scalp hair in a "middle of the road" fashion. i.e. with neither flamboyant length nor stark shortness).

In order to encapsulate the psychosexual framework of each type, we’ve designed a test circumstance; one that will bring out the simplest, most honest reaction to a denial of a strong sexual desire. The test is simply that the man is on a couch with a beautiful young lady. They have been engaged in extensive sexual foreplay. Suddenly, the young lady says "NO!"

The Conservative

He retains a degree of conservatism and is moderate in both ambition and sexual drive. Not severely emotionally disturbed by disappointment or resistance, he may be temporarily sidetracked by distractions. On the couch, he is most liable to acquiesce on the turn down ad place the relationship back at the beginning friendship level. He may well shrug, get up and leave permanently. He always learns something from his mistakes and he will be most cautious before again resuming sexual advances.

The Hippy

His psychosexual make-up is characterized by "champagne" ideas and "beer" equipment. He tends to be a bit of a slob and possibly a dreamer. He is indifferent to success—in any sense of the word—and could very likely be found in non-competitive fields. Example in the extreme: the "hippy." Faced with a firm turn-down on that couch, he's most likely to take it as a personal rejection. He does not waste time in introspection. If his hang-up begins to take on a deep depressive coloring, he is more liable than most to find an easy escape in drugs.

The Handlebar

He wears this type because fondling hair serves as a socially acceptable substitution for masturbation, the more so as the mouth is an erogenous zone. The wearer of a handlebar is also saying that his sense of inferiority lies in a lack of innate aggressiveness. He uses the "handlebar" as a means of steering safely through life. His reaction to a young ladies "no" is most likely to be a rejection of her; a rejection accompanied by anger and injured pride, typified by vituperative remarks. He keeps his ego intact by promptly eradicating inferiority feelings from his unconscious by the mental mechanism known as projection. The rejected becomes the rejector.

The Military Mustache

This man, too, is substituting for sexual gratification since the brushed and flared ends require such constant attention as stroking. But unlike the "Handlebar" he is an anal erotic precisionist who seeks security through strength. He deliberately endows himself with an aura of authority. His interpersonal relationships are based on an "eye for an eye" philosophy. You invite him to dinner because you like his company. He invites you to his house because he "owes" you a meal. Should he be "delayed" by a refusal for a young lady, he would see it as an obstacle to be circumvented by switching to another topic or activity until he can maneuver around the objection.

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The Operator

The goatee is definitely anal-erotic. Here is the "operator." It denotes a smooth, slick personality and is an attempt to create the impression of a sharp mind and an irresistible personality. It also points to neatness, precision, and tight pursestrings. Faced with such a turn-down on the couch, he'd most likely see it as a "girlish" hangover and begin a smooth and glib process of "education" of the "confused" young woman.

The Pointed Goatee

Super Mephistophelean. The wearer wants to be considered shrewd and irresistible. It tends to be worn by shorter men who are trying to achieve a sense of strength, stature and suaveness. Note that the devil is almost always portrayed with a pointed goatee. In the past, this style has been worn by such famous men as Napoleon III and Cardinal Richelieu, and slightly longer versions by Svengali and Rasputin. On that couch, he is the one most likely to resort to liquor to achieve conquest. He might also try the "if you really love me..." gambit. He isn't a pleader, he is the hypnotist.

The Trimmed Full Beard

The trimmed full beard. This also shows the tendency toward precision and forward thinking. This man will tend to plan extensively almost any action, even sharpening his pencils before he leaves the office in the evening, thus demonstrating a great anal-erotic orientation. Notables of the past who have worn trimmed full beards include Pasteur, Freud, George V, and Nicholas II. Because of his reliance on planning and pre-evaluation, this type is unlikely to be on that couch in the first place. He would carefully analyze the potential before he began. But if faced with a turn-down by the young lady, he would probably give the whole thing up as a bad investment of time and send the girl home as soon as possible.

The Untrimmed Full Beard

This represents independence, carelessness and a lack of concern for mores. If this man participates in accepted society, he seeks to create an atmosphere of benevolent patriarchal authority. The full beard is the most extreme case of persona and therefore is the greatest attempt to hide what he thinks you see—or don't see—in him. He is trying to neutralize unconscious feelings of inferiority in a socially accepted way. Brilliant examples of this type of man are: Karl Marx, Brahms, Rimsky-Korsakov, and G. B. Shaw. It may be hard to imagine this type on that couch at all. But should he find himself there, he would probably pass off the turn-down with a shrug; a pat on the young lady's head and a long-winded, friendly discussion. The original goal, whether achieved or lost doesn't mean much to him.