Anyone who's followed my writing career can tell you that I've had to read — and write — a lot of weird stuff in my days. Just recently, I've had to write about the weirdest porn genres out there, strange disappearances in national parks that may have involved aliens, as well as the occasionally-racist tales of restaurant chains that no longer exist.
Over the years, I've read a fair share of seriously strange literature that I've either had to report on. Erotic fanfiction, for example, is one such thing. And yes, I have had to edit erotic fanfiction as part of at least one of my jobs as a writer and editor.
And, to be honest, a lot of the erotic fanfiction on the internet tops my usual weird levels by an order of magnitude. It also tends to be the stuff that makes me reach for a barf bag... or a bottle of beer.
Don't believe it? Well, take a look at some of the weirdest erotic fanfiction on the net.
Professor Snape and The Teletubbies
To kick off the list of the weirdest erotic fanfiction on the net, we're going to start with Professor Snape from Harry Potter fame. In the movies and the books, Snape was kind of a dreamboat, in that tragic and angsty, slightly gothy way.
So, of course, some lunatic decided that they should pair him up with...The Teletubbies? Of course. Yeah, why the hell not? The erotic fanfiction piece was called "Severus Snape and The Lover," because that's probably the most normal title it could have considering the subject matter.
The plot kicks off when Dumbledore sent Snape to the land of the Teletubbies to take a break from stressing over school matters. Lo and behold, the Teletubbies are curious about sex.
This fanfiction is written with all the brilliance of a cracked-out tweaker on a three-day-long acid-meth-DMT binge, with spelling and grammar to match:
"Teletubbies, lay here with me, I’ll teach you how to be a man. Oh, but you Poo, aren’t ready yet. You are too young baby. Stay here in the corner and play with your small hose." and Poo got sad, but neverthless, he did what Snpe said and watched the others while they got teached.
"So" said Snap, "Laa-Laa, you make a pair with me. Tinky-Winky, you go with Dipsy. Watch me while I play with Laa-Laa and mimic my movements. This way you will learn."
It only goes downhill from here.
"Profezro, it aches my skin and negates the maturation you unleash inside my sacred womb."
"Be calm my yelloew student. After a while, no pain can touch you. Wait the massage of gods." and she did. After a while, the orgasms started, and she had multiple ones. Her chest grew a pair of xanthous brests, and they lactated the nectar of the houses of holy."
Told you so.
The fanfiction involves breastmilk, vomit, scat, and boogers... and just gets less coherent than ever. Childhood? Ruined. And no, you can't look at Snape again after reading it all.
Mind you, this is only the first on this list of the weirdest erotic fanfiction on the net. It gets worse.
Death Note's Mello and Tetris
Don't ask me why, but a lot of the weirdest erotic fan fiction on the net involves bizarre, messed up combinations that don't make sense unless you're high on acid. Such was the case with "Getting Around the Block," an X-rated fanfic involving Mello from Death Note getting it on with Tetris.
The fanfic never really even gets into how Mello got into the world of Tetris, nor why blocks would want to "thrust into him" that way. It sounds like a bizarre fever dream, doesn't it?
Well, this fanfic ends with Matt pointing out that Mello was asleep and narrating the whole thing:
Matt said, around the cigarette, "I heard it all. You were narrating the whole thing in your sleep, just mumbling and mumbling a running commentary, nonstop. Mello, you let a tetris block fuck you. That's so surreal. I almost envy you."
So, at the very least, while it does get hot and heavy with a Tetris block, it's a little bit better than that... Snape... thing. Even though it's a bit more logical than the first one, it's still some of the weirdest erotic fan fiction on the net.
Mr. Clean and Billy Mays
One of the newer super-weird entries on this list is a flash erotic fanfiction between cleaning mascot Mr. Clean and the late infomercial announcer Billy Mays. That being said, it's pretty clear that this was meant for a laugh — mostly thanks to product placements in it.
This fanfic, called "When It Comes To Clean, There's Only One Mister," involves hardcore anal and a lot of dirty humor. Strange, considering it's supposed to be clean. (See what I did there?)
As you can imagine, this is the weirdest erotic fanfiction on the net involving two cleaning product spokespeople getting dirty. This is made extra dirty due to the fact that both Billy Mays and Mr. Clean were real spokespeople on TV at one point.
There's some pretty crazy sex involving broken glass and anal sex in this fic. Even so, it's hard not to crack up when the fanfic ends with the following punchline:
NOW WHAT CAN GET OUT TOUGH STAINS LIKE COFFEE, BLOOD, AND CUM?" He brightens, and scurries from the kitchen, entering again with a white tub. "BILLY MAYS HERE WITH OXYCLEAN, THIS CAN GET OUT ANY STAIN, FAST." He sets to work on the floor, a nagging feeling in the back of his mind that some other product would do the job even better.
Buffy's Xander and Biker Mice From Mars
Buffy the Vampire Slayer has been the subject of a sickening amount of erotic fanfiction — also happens to be the "home series" of Xander. Xander himself is a handsome, lovable goofball of a character that has a lot of boyish charm.
So, since this is a list of the weirdest erotic fanfiction on the net, of course he's going to get paired with Biker Mice from Mars. To be fair, furries might have wanted to see this happen, and that's not that strange a fetish, so maybe it's not THAT strange. Right?
You might be curious. But, then you actually hear that Biker Mice are in charge of fixing his car with sexy results... and you end up with pearls like the following:
"I feel like I'm part of a threesome. You mind, babe?" The bike shook her front wheel and slowly moved into deeper shadows."
Yeah, the bike also turns sentient. So, people in furry fandoms might also need to be into objectophilia to get off on this.
Honestly, though, this fanfic is impressive. What's most impressive about this erotic fanfiction isn't the fact that it involves a sentient space bike, a guy having sex with alien mice, or the insane amounts of gay furry sex. What's really impressive is the fact that it has a million words in it.
A million words. Of Xander and alien mice boning. That's... definitely something, right?
Ghostbusters's Slimer and Transformers's Sam Witwicky and The X-Men
One erotic fanfiction writer decided that a two-universe crossover wasn't enough to make his depravity permanently scar audience brains. No, he decided to involve characters from Marvel's X-Men, Slimer from Ghostbusters, and Sam Witwicky from Transformers.
Weird as that combo is, the erotica gets weirder. Actually, it gets really weird, really quick. Within the first couple of lines, the author starts talking about Slimer's "ghostly dick," which was in the process of being three feet long and pissing on hotel clients.
Within a matter of paragraphs, you end up with things like:
"To Slimer, this squishy meat bag was just a moving fleshlight. No need to care for his wants, his desires. Only Slimers."
And then Slimer turns into a giant six foot long penis that fucks Sam until his asshole is "as big as his head," because of course physics works that way.
Somehow, Jean Grey and Wolverine end up in a scat-eating threesome with Janet, a never-before-seen Ghostbusters HQ member. Because, of course, Jean Grey will just randomly shit in a stranger's mouth. Then Wolverine starts to shit.
The "erotic" part of the story ends with the following sentences:
"Logan had filled the whole firestation with shit. All three had died from suffocation. No one find there bodies."
Then an "unknown general" decides to nuke both Stillwater and New York City, with no survivors in both cities. Why? Because this story makes no sense and is clearly weird for the sake of weird.
"A New Shade of Green" was clearly written to be weird. It's got to be the weirdest erotic fanfiction on the net, and that has to mean scat and nukes and Slimer dick in this case.
SWAT Kats and The Citizens of Eureka
Say what you will about the weirdest erotic fanfiction on the net, but sometimes, it's pretty clear that the authors really wrote stuff and put their heart into it. Such is the case with Eureka Kats — an erotic fanfiction series which involves the SWAT Kats getting trapped in the city of Eureka with sexual results.
I mean, the author actually wrote a series of fanfics involving the two SWAT Kats meeting Eureka citizens... and getting interested in them. That takes effort. But, still, it's insanely bizarre and involves a huge amount of really, really twisted stuff in it.
Eureka Kats has scenes involving rape, murder, and incest — among other things. Reading the warnings on the site about this fanfic made me decide to be kind to my brain, and I ended up not reading too much of it.
However, I did read enough to learn that this furry fanfic involves "anatomically correct" SWAT Kats. So, these furry characters have barbed, cat penises that they use on humans.
"She hadn't been able to notice the barbs they'd mentioned on either of them; clearly they weren't that prominent, at least not from a distance."
The writing also regularly mentions that the SWAT Kats have "musky" scents and the story also has them breaking teenage virginities despite at least one of them being over 50 years old.
Your eyes will end up begging for soul bleach after reading this.
David and Pokemon
Many horrible Pokémon fanfics exist, because it's effing Pokémon. (See what I did there?) Perhaps one of the most notorious examples of the weirdest erotic fanfiction on the net dealing with Pokémon would have to be "The Pokémon Story," by a guy known only as David.
Incidentally, David also is the name of the character in the story. Right off the bat, you know this is going to be some godawful erotic fanfiction — he broke the cardinal rule of erotic fanfiction by naming the main character by himself.
The entire story dissolves into a mess of him getting seduced by Pokémon, because apparently some people are really messed up after they can't get a human partner to date them. In this case, David has sex with a Gardevoir.
David's seducing and/or raping the Gardevoir gets pretty descriptive, pretty quick:
"He ran a hand over her leafy posterior. A probing finger slipped in between, finding a hole. He knew little of the Gardevoir anatomy, but knew that any hole would work."
Gardevoir apparently is also way smaller than David is. So, he accidentally kills his Pokémon, with his penis, despite Pokémon having a bunch of powers that could have prevented this from happening. Then, he looks at what he did...
"Blood and feces dribbled out. The sight of Gardevoir laying there, whimping, smeared with mud, blood, cum, and her own feces unlocked something deep within David’s soul. His heart soared at the sight. It felt so good! It was like he finally discovered his place in the world."
It gets worse from there.
That's enough internet for today.
Are you not entertained? I have put my eyes through a lot of grief making this article. So, if you liked reading it or feel sorry for what shreds of innocence I had left, please buy me a beer.