Have you been yearning for the sight of yet another strange and possibly alarming sex toy? Well, wait no longer, dear readers. Wacky Sex Toy of the Week has returned yet again, and, let me tell you, we’ve got a shocker for you. Or, more accurately, for ‘little you’. And yes, that shock is absolutely literal. Ready? Put on your thick-soled rubber boots, stay away from tall trees, and get ready to check out . . .
. . . the Zeus Voice Controlled E-Stim Chastity System. (Pro tip: ‘e-stim’ is short for ‘electric stimulation’, which is just what it sounds like). You’ve heard of those shock collars for dogs? Yeah, this is basically a shock collar for your junk. I’m just going to take a moment to let that sink in. Shock collar for your junk. Yep. But wait . . . there’s more.
Not only is this a shock collar for your junk, it’s also a chastity device. Your partner in junk-shocking locks your pork’n’beans inside the plastic confines of the Zeus, thus preventing any, uh, amorous activity, and also pressing the edges of your soon-to-be-maltreated-member against the sides of the unforgiving device. This wouldn’t be so bad, except for the fact that the sides and tip of the Zeus are covered in zappy electrodes. I’ll let the website’s text take this one away. “The chastity cage is lined with electro conductive silicone with pads running along the sides. Each electrode flares out into a paddle shape to optimise contact with the head of the penis.”
Just Add Penis
So there’s that.
If you’re wondering whether I happened to run across this electrifying little product while researching the similarly clean-cut-yet-dastardly Mike’s Spikes . . . well, yes, that is in fact exactly what occurred. Just don’t double them up. Anyway, back to the Zeus. Not unlike the dog version, the Zeus (which you may have gathered from its having ‘voice controlled’ in the name) contains a voice control feature. When this particular setting is turned on, the volume of the subject’s shouts determine the level of electrical intensity. More shock for your squawk, if you will.
If you’d rather not have that engaged ---- and the shock-ee probably wouldn’t ---- there’s another option. The whole shebang comes with a remote, which your partner can use to cycle through the 0-99 levels of steadily increasing power. If their hands get tired, there’s also the option of the device’s built-in ‘many electrical patterns’ to keep things interesting. Nothing puts spice in a relationship like a pre-planned volt pattern connecting solidly and shockingly with your partner’s dangly bits. That feeling could be love, or it could be the high intensity voltage. Either way, the Zeus definitely helps put that spark back in your relationship.
Your relationship lacked electricity? Not anymore!
If you’re checking this out and thinking, ‘you know what, this is great and all, but I feel like it’s just not quite enough of an all-encompassing electrical experience’ . . . well, the Zeus has some handy suggestions for you. Yes, the power box on this bad boy comes with a dual port for dual output, thus allowing the user to add another accessory of their choice. “Try combining the chastity device with an electro sex butt plug and really hear him moan!” the site advises. So yeah, that’s an option, although a moan might not be exactly the sound produced. Maybe more of a yelp, or a ‘good God, turn it off!’ ---- which the recipient had better hope that voice control feature isn’t on for.
While the Zeus is labelled a chastity system, casual viewers can be forgiven for wondering just how much of a chastity system it can be. After all, you’ve got to unlock your pained paramour some time, right? Like, say, when they need to go to the bathroom? A time probably before they’re getting too desperately blue-balled from a lack of sexual release, unless they’re part camel and only have to pee once every two weeks or so?
Good news! The Zeus has all that sorted out. From the product description: “The chastity device is made from lightweight ABS plastic and can be worn for extended periods as there is an opening at the end for urine.” Oh yes, they went there. After all, at about $260 in US dollars, this sucker is basically the swanky penthouse of electro-sex chastity devices. It comes with all the bells and whistles. (Except, y’know, not out-loud bells and whistles, because . . . voice control feature!)
More holler for your dollar . . .
Readers may, at this point in time, be sitting firmly cross-legged (possibly with the addition of a horrified expression), and may also be experiencing either total penile inversion or Saharan levels of dryness ---- but no doubt a few have scrolled to this point and are asking, ‘hey, where can I get one of these puppies?’. You, my friends, are the few and the bold. After all, not too many of us wake up in the morning and think, ‘nice day and all, but my genitals could be a little more electrified’.
Your solution to a lack of genital electrification
If you do, the rest of us salute you. You are an enterprising and hardcore individual, and we’re a little scared of you, not gonna lie. You can grab your very own Zeus Voice Controlled E-Stim Chastity System on the UK site ÜberKinky, where it’s currently out of stock, but you can sign up to get an email once it’s back in. And remember to stay tuned for the next Wacky Sex Toy of the Week column ----- where we report on some of the strangest and most uncomfortable-looking sex toys the world has to offer. Stay weird, internet!
The Zeus Voice Controlled E-Stim Chastity System on ÜberKinky
From the product page: "Being in control has just become an even more powerful experience. The Zeus Voice Controlled E-Stim Chastity System is an all in one male training device that’s sure to keep his cock under control."