Wacky Sex Toy of the Week: The Pogo Stick Dildo

We’ll be kicking off our inaugural Wacky Sex Toy Of The Week column with a toy that’s become somewhat internet-famous over the years: the Jack Hammer Johnson. Or, as it was rebranded later in its unholy reign, the Fantasy Glide. You may know it better as . . . drum roll please . . . the pogo stick dildo. (Not a typo). Yes indeed, the makers of the Jack Hammer Johnson/Fantasy Glide were apparently the brave and innovative souls who looked upon the humble pogo stick and thought, “I bet we can stick a cock on there.”

And so, God bless them, they did. This one-toy recipe for an extraordinarily awkward ER visit is a long rod with a sort of heart-shaped hand grip on one side, and, lower down for optimum crotchal convenience, an incongruously fleshy dildo affixed to a branching rod from the main shaft.

Fig #1

In case you were looking at this thing and thinking, ‘cripes, would I need to do all the work myself?’ fear not, because it’s advertised as being ‘spring loaded’. Your new crotch rocket is here, and it’s ready for lewd liftoff. A few different ways of using it are also displayed, one with the subject clumsily hopping up and down atop it like a drunken kangaroo with vertigo, and another having a partner use it on the subject, at distance, as if they’re stick-roasting a hot dog over a campfire. (This toy, presumably, would be the one pictured alongside the phrase ‘I wouldn’t fuck them with a ten foot pole’. Do you dislike someone just a slight bit less than that? Well, this, right here, is the instrument for you).

Theoretically, the Jack Hammer Johnson/Fantasy Glide (the manufacturers, by the way, definitely missed a prime opportunity to call it the ‘Pogo-A-Go-Go’) is meant to replicate the experience of actual sex with another actual human being ---- provided that human being is both spring-loaded and spastic in tendency. (On the bright side, users will be ready in the case of a robotic apocalypse). “But come on,” you say, “vaginas can take a pounding. Betty White even said so, and Betty White is a goddess in human form. It’s not like this device is advertised for a little what-what-in-the-butt.” Well, au contraire, my naive friend, because it’s also intended for a touch of posterior prospecting. In fact, it even comes with a ‘tapered’ dildo, which one copy describes as being ‘perfect for anal exploration’. Because lord knows the #1 seat satisfier is a 6.5 inch spring-propelled butt cone. Incredibly awkward ER visits: take two.

Fig #2

Discretion is another area in which this toy doesn’t exactly excel, given that, if glimpsed by prying guests or your mother-in-law, it would be extremely difficult to pass off as anything other than what it is ---- especially if you store it with the dildo properly mounted. Sans phallus, it is noticeably more confusing to the eye, resembling an oddly-crafted crutch more than anything else. Just don’t let Grandma lean on it. That way lies disaster, and, given that Grandma is probably far more hype regarding ‘marital aids’ than you either suspect or are comfortable thinking about, Knowing Looks for at least the next decade. (If your Grandma’s practiced her Knowing Looks anything like mine has, that’s something of a dire sentence).

Still, it’s not like anyone bought this, right? Well, you’d be surprised. On one Amazon link (come on, you knew somewhere in your heart of hearts that this puppy would be sold on Amazon), it has in fact amassed 14 reviews, the majority of which are positive. People like the spring-loading, they’re here for the awkward hopping, and they even approve of the butt cone. Downsides: apparently it’s not the hardiest of toys, the included cock attachment is overly bland, and, according to one reviewer, it makes a hilariously loud and embarrassingly regular ‘creaking, whistling’ noise while in use. Subtle.

Creeeeeak. Whistle.

Unfortunately, if all of this has induced within you a fiery and passionate desire to own the Jack Hammer Johnson/Fantasy Glide in search of a little deep dickin’ pogo stickin’ of your own. . . well, the odds are against you, because it’s been discontinued. Sorry about that. A few places, however, do still seem to sell it (under a variety of names, but mostly the Fantasy Glide), so you may yet be in luck. Never give up on your dreams, my friend.

Like an Herbal Essences commercial, but more pogo.

If you want to make the leap (or, in this case, the hop) to owning your very own pogo stick dildo, one place you can still find it at the time of writing is right below in the included Amazon link. And remember to stay tuned for the next Wacky Sex Toy of the Week column ----- where we report on some of the strangest and most uncomfortable-looking sex toys the world has to offer. Stay weird, internet!

From the product page: "Glide into ecstasy with the most incredible self-powered fuck machine ever created. With the amazing Fantasy Glide, there's no need for messy electrical cords, expensive batteries, or complicated machinery to get the job done. The Fantasy Glide simply works off of your own energy—with each stroke of the Fantasy Glide spring, the pogo-style pleasure rod reaches spots you never knew existed. Focus on those targeted spots with ease and get direct stimulation where you want it most."