This third edition of Wacky Sex Toy of the Week features some truly unique toys...yes, they’ve all been pretty unique so far, but these are uniquer. Uniqueful. Uniquest. Yes, perhaps even more so than a dildo affixed to a pogo stick or a penis fly trap, and Lord knows those are hard to beat. Before the dazzling reveal (which the title has absolutely already given away, but we’ll be ignoring that), let us begin by setting the scene a little. Have you ever dreamed of being stranded upon a moist and marvelous alien planet and stumbling on a singularly tentacular surprise? Ever had fond fantasies of your spaceship being boarded by an egg-bearing love monster looking for a few comfortably damp orifices to nestle its future offspring within? Ever woke in a desirous sweat from tingly thoughts of braving the briny oceanic depths, only to discover a lustful octoid wonder of times gone by...well, you get the idea. Point is, they’re ovipositors. Yes, that does mean what you think it means. The products in question are Primal Hardwere’s selection of ovipositor dildos: ‘Splorch’, ‘Krubera’, ‘Squick’, and ‘BedBug’. Essentially, these are squishy and tentacle-esque dildos from which messily splort a gelatinous egg into the ardour-bedewed lust-burrow of your choice, where it slowly and slimily melts with your body heat into a clearish alien ooze. (Unless, presumably, you immediately retrieve it, which, if you’re caught in the process, would have to be the #1 most awkward thing to explain to a roommate).
They also seem difficult to operate solo, given that they’re sort of a larger equivalent of squeezing semi-solidified yoghurt through a tube. Except at arm’s length. And facing towards you. And lodged in one of your more delicate areas. And an ovipositor.
But hey, let’s not be ovi-negative here...let’s be ovi-positive. The appeal of these, when you give it a bit of serious thought, isn’t too hard to grasp. After all, taboos have historically been found to be deeply erotic, and having eggs laid within you by a somewhat floppy alien’s invading appendage is so far up the taboo scale that it’s ringing that bell like a circus strongman. There aren’t a lot of reviews, given that it’s a pretty new product to the market, but commenters seem split between delighted intriguement and a sense of revulsion so total and all-encompassing that one wonders if they doth protest a touch too much. After all, just how horrified can one be by a section of dildo-y tubing and a few strategically-placed lumps of jelly?
Granted, the demo video for Splorch is a little hard to watch in some places, as one waits with increasing anticipation and an odd sense of dread for the slowly-progressing egg to finally spurt oozily forth from the pouting lips of its dampened domicile and bounce enthusiastically across the table ---- as, spoiler alert, it finally does, chased immediately by a number of its gelatinous brethren ---- but, along with any desire to eat Jell-O in the near future, those moments soon pass.
Work That Splorch
As revealed in an interview with Vice, the gentleman who initially created these singular toys clearly hadn’t quite anticipated the collective internet’s interest in his technology, freely revealing that he usually creates one-off products and had never intended to set up in life as a distributor of dildonic ovipositors. Still, where the body is willing, the mind is endlessly innovative, and he’s since perfected his eggs-citing new invention and set up for mass distribution to willing orifices all across the globe.
And why not? Clearly this product fills a gap (or, shall we say, a hole) that has existed for years, as enthusiastic purchasers either waited with barely-contained anticipation for ovipositor dildos to hit the shelves or did not yet know that this new marvel was shortly to come along, fulfilling deep-buried desires they didn’t yet know they had. When you look at it that way, it’s a beautiful thing. Even if it does look like a bulbous tube worm with lascivious tendencies and a gnarly head cold.
If you’ve started to feel the need to get your egg on, you can find all four ovipositor dildos over on Primal Hardwere. And remember to stay tuned for the next Wacky Sex Toy of the Week column ----- where we report on some of the strangest and most uncomfortable-looking sex toys the world has to offer. Stay weird, internet!