Tribulation

I once asked an ex girlfriend about the pleasures of lesbian sex. She confessed that her and her girlfriend "actually fucked."

"We rub pussies together. We come inside each other. We actually FUCK."

Unfortunately, I never was invited to witness said fucking. (Better to be invited to be a salami in that particular sandwich, I know.)

Still, the idea so intensely excited me, I still occasionally jerk off thinking about it. And, of course, I love lesbian "tribbing" videos. Porn Hub, or any other porn tube site will have a never ending succession of mommies rubbing clits with stepdaughters (who are all legally of the age of consent, BTW. records on file); usually after a build-up scene of totally banal and stupid dialog, which has said (usually massively chesty milf) walking in on stepdaughter, finger banging to lesbian porn on her tablet device.

"Oh, Mom! You startled me!"

Mom, her hands on her hourglass-shaped ass, says, "Just what do you think you're doing?" As if she'd just caught her new stepdaughter baking a surprise souffle for her new mommy, instead of toying around with her finger in her snatch.

"I uh," the daughter will stammer and stutter for a full ten seconds or so before stepmom, ripping the tablet device out of her stepdaughter's hands, inevitably with long, skinny, witch-like, bony fingers, (each punctuated by a perfectly-manicured red nail), proceeds to seduce her boob bouncing girl into a little pussy bumping.

Scissor fucking. Often leading to juicy squirt-in-mouth antics. Who, I ask you, WHO the fuck could resist?

What's even better is the Wild World of Women's Missionary Tribbing. (Let's see Mutual of Omaha fund that one like they did the old Wild Kingdom shows back when I was a wee tot.)

It's horny girls doing it right. Face-to-face (my the hyphenated terms keep coming and coming this evening), up close and personal, with woman below, submissive; her partner, the putative "man" I suppose, grinding away, as if she had a size-twelve polecat planted in her partner's pudenda, trying madly to get the engorged serpent to spit the vile venom of life between the peach-plumb lips of "La Lovely."

Lesbian sex is the greatest turn-on for the endlessly horny male, because lesbian sex offers "double your pleasure" kink. I take it most women don't, as Jim Goad once observed, want to see their boyfriends "blow the mailman." Men, however, want to see their own girlfriends, wives, and other assorted fantasy women gang-banged by an all-female troupe of wild, insatiably horny, psycho nymphomaniacs.

It's like a little slice of heaven... rubbed up against another little slice of heaven, until both slices get wet, squirt dripping vaginal nectar, and leave both women—one, a forty-something bitch-goddess with massive hooters, the other a nineteen-year-old former stripper, and aspiring rocket scientist (who learned muff-diving between the soft, willowy thighs of her former college suite mate after she got drunk and went down on her)—exhausted, depleted, completely sexually satisfied, and marooned on the sapphic shores of that fabled Greek island from where we actually derive the term: Lesbian.

(I think you know to what island I am referring. Beautiful, bronzed Amazon women ply the surf, half-nude, their wives and girlfriends caressing coconut oil into their burnished skin, as the sun sets and they watch the last few fading rays of pink and orange and scarlet and turquoise paint the shores of paradise. And not a fucking DICK anywhere to be seen.)

I once had a lesbian friend (but not my bisexual ex-girlfriend) tell me that her personal fantasy was to develop a way to transform two women, so they could fuck and create a baby. I know fuck-all about the creation of babies, BUT, I do find the idea of two women with engorges clits grinding until a shuddering orgasm occurs, spilling sweet hot, honeypot syrup between their scissored crotches—arousing, to say the least.

Let's say I was a human teacup for my ex and her ex, who was a butch little thing with a fetching haircut, a nice, well-developed ass, and huge, tattooed, red-freckled forearms that went with the tatted-up green like the coloring on those little hard Christmas sugar cookies.

Unadorned, I could lie beneath the billowy waves of pretzel-twisted thigh and ass flesh, and catch the runoff with an eager Looney Tunes tongue a mile long, one with a snake-like, sentient brain all its own. I could be the salami in that sandwich, maybe? Probably not.

(Nobody eats salami and pretzels together.)

Of course, they also call it "scissoring," but I can't think of any witty repartee to add to that, so I'll just close here.

Trib After Trig

...Actually, on second thought, let's close with a little erotic imagining, a little impromptu porno to further aid in the eroding of Western civilization, moral values, and other hypocritical, self-serving, bullshit ideals.

(Come on. You know you want it, right?)

Betty slides up beside Veronica. Both girls have just turned eighteen, and both are dating, like the hottest guys at university. Betty is dating Arch, and Veronica and Reggie are an item.

"But," Betty reminds Veronica, while sipping on an iced tea after the study hall, "that doesn't mean you and I can't continue to have... our own little fun and games."

Betty leans over, grabs her bitch by those two precious chunks of flesh so teasingly gift-wrapped in blue jeans, slides her tongue between Ronnie's lips, tastes her sweet, murky mouth.

"Mmm," Ronnie says, "Me like. You got anymore?"

The girls are standing in the hallway outside of Trig, making out, when Jug, their kooky friend, saunters by.

He sees the impromptu make-out session, and having a sexual appetite that is damn near as big as his ordinary one, thrusts his hand down the crotch of his skinny jeans, and is jacking-off before he even realizes it.

"Oh, hiya dolls! Say, mind if I cut in?"

The girls, their tongues buried in each other's faces, stop for a moment, and giggle.

"Oh, hiya Jug, baby. Hot damn, we didn't know some horny motherfucker was watching us."

"Yeah," said Ronnie, "I mean, that really gets me hot and bothered even more."

Suddenly, both girls are clawing at each other's bodies, pulling down their poodle skirts, their fingers exploring the hot hairy crevices of their moist, glistening, stimulated cunts.

"Oh God, you fucking finger me so good!" moans Betty.

"Come on my fucking hand! Come on my fucking hand! Come on my fucking hand!" shrieks Ronnie, working Betty's beef curtain until it is a sweet, dripping little nubbin of pure pleasure.

Jug is pulling away at his poor little pork taffy, his pants down around his hairy, unwashed, gofer-smelling ass crack. Unbeknownst to the trio, though, Archie and Reg are hidden away in the closet, watching all of this go...down (down?).

"Damn, Arch my man," says Reggie, "We got the ringside seats to the fuckin' orgy." Reggie is busily fondling himself through his jeans.

Archie is right behind him, as he leans over, looking out the door over Reggie's shoulder. His crotch rubs up against Reggie's tight, cute little ass. He feels his love tool turned up a notch.

"Say Reg," says Arch, "you been working out more, man? Your ass is feeling pretty tight these days."

Reggie turns, smiles knowingly, says, "You want to find out just how tight it is, tiger?"

It isn't long before Reggie is gobbling Archie's underwear python like it's a foot-long coney dog from the Spuds N' Suds.

"Oh Jesus, Reg, you little fucking bitch! I'm going to shoot my red hot dick snot straight past your tonsils!"

Undoubtedly, it was all this moaning and groaning, due to all the fucking and sucking, that brought the clack-clacking heels of Mrs. Grundy echoing down the hall. Suddenly, a sparkly, cruel, cunt-like voice echoed forth.

"And just what the fuck do you little shits think you're doing?"

Betty and Veronica, who are twisted around on the floor, pretzel-tied, pussy bumping, instantly look up from their endeavor. Ol' Grundy is standing over them, hands on her hips.

(Unbeknownst to the two tribades on the floor, Mrs. Grundy had just finished immersing the rather pathetic and bespectacled Waldo in her golden shower goodness, straddling a desk, letting forth her hot, rancid stream as the fat, turkey-ass having, little wet fart of a man cowered on the floor, apple-shaped ball gag in mouth, his hands tied behind his back with bread ties. Of course, one has to wonder what the custodians here think, as they are continually having to mop up these strange puddles.)

"No, no, no... Grundy says," her fists balled at her hips. "You're doing it all WRONG! Here, let me show you the kind of technique that will get you an A plus..."

And so the Mrs. suddenly slides out of her oh-so-conservative skirt, revealing delectable white thighs and a huge (but undeniably edible) ass wrapped, like a huge white chocolate heart, beneath powder-blue bloomers. Then off come the bloomers, revealing a thick, furry fun patch traveling from her lower belly to the moistening lips of her, sweet mature pleasure pit.

PICTURE THE SCENE:

She gets down on the hard floor, grabbing Ronnie by the legs, positioning herself, scissor-like, until both cunts, ripe and ready-to-eat, are pressed together, the wet, dripping flesh rubbing electrifying sensations all through the neural pathways of the fuckers reeling, orgasmic minds.

"Oh, Mrs. Grundy, you bitch! I'm gonna fucking come!"

"You're technique has certainly improved. I can't wait until I can assign you... some proper... ah... course of home study!" Grundy's eyes roll back in her head, as the beautiful shower of female goodness squirts from between their enmeshed legs, soaking the linoleum beneath them, as Betty moves back and forth, pleasuring the breasts of the two; and Jug, his peter still in his hand, cries out in titanic orgasm, thick white cock paste dripping from between his fingers.

In the closet (or rather, out of it, in one regard) Archie shoots his man-paste up Reggie's chocolate tunnel, causing both men to cry out in ecstatic, mind-blowing pleasure.

"Class," says the exhausted Mrs. Grundy, still gasping for air, "dismissed!"

(And really, none of that was meant as satire.)

The point here, I think, is is that there's nothing in this world that I know of more pleasurable to the beetle-brained, endlessly horny male mind than lesbian sex. Scissor-fucking, or "tribbing," just adds that extra fillip of enjoyment. Fro the guys AND the gals, I take it.

C'est la vie!