Thoughts She Has During Shower Sex

What’s hotter than shower sex? Well, according to most of the female species, just about anything is sexier than trying to do it in a stand up tub. Perhaps part of our apprehension is due to the skewed fantasy men envision when it comes to shower sex and their impossible expectations. Men see their woman standing under a hot stream of water; skin soft, clean, and slick. He imagines her massaging her long mane of hair and moaning out in ecstasy as she does so. Of course she is able to move and reach positions like a prima ballerina and her makeup is perfectly intact.

Ok, now are you ready to hear the truth? Well let me just say from a woman’s standpoint, this scenario goes down a tad differently. Between eye-burning soap and mascara raccoon eyes to temperamental water temperatures and extremely slippery surfaces, most ladies fear for their life when they think of sex in a shower. In fact, when women see their man approaching the shower with nothing but a smile and a raging hard on, it is said that the famous melody from Psycho can be heard echoing throughout the bathroom.

Curious as to how crazy we can get? Here are seven thoughts women have while having shower sex.

I really hope I don’t get a concussion.

If falling is not a worry of yours while partaking in shower sex then you must either be drunk or have the balance of a tightrope walker. Once you take sexual positions and place them under water and soap you immediately take the chance of slipping and cracking your head. Shower sex requires a bit of strength, a lot of balance, and definitely some practice. Without these you are only increasing the chance of busting your ass.

Please, let me wash and shave my own body.

There are men out there who love to shave their women. My one experience with a guy and a razor was when I was nine months pregnant and could see nothing below my very large and very round belly. You try taking a sharp blade to yourself with only your touch and memory to guide you and see how well you do. Having my husband take care of that business was my only option, and a mortifying one at that. I am still scarred from the experience, both mentally and physically (ouch). With that said, aside from pregnancy and other physical restrictions, I see no reason for a man to shave a woman. It’s not sexy, it doesn’t make me horny, and yes, it's kind of gross.

Water is nothing like lube.

Seriously, why do men enjoy this so much when, in reality, water is the worst possible lubricant? It does nothing to help ease things in or keep them in place. If anything, it adds to the difficulty. So now not only do you want me to prop my leg up on the soap dish and try not to drown but then you want to play slip 'n slide with my vagina. How sexy is this supposed to be with your man parts bending abnormally and my lady parts refusing entry? It’s like trying to stick a wet rubber pencil into a wet rubber eraser. Yeah, exactly.

Doesn’t he realize I could drown?

If there is one lesson to be learned regarding shower sex, then let it be this: Giving oral pleasure while standing under a shower of water can kill you. Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating, but how safe can it be to pour water in the mouth of someone that already has a mouthful of something else? Ya follow? I may be talented in the sloppy third department, but if you have a shower that’s as small as mine, you’re basically asking to drown. Sex would be enough of an accomplishment, no reason to get extra cocky.

Good Lord, when is the last time I really scrubbed this thing?

Leave it to females to think about cleaning while having sex. This may be even worse than when I write my grocery list while in missionary position. Let me just tell you right now that the man you're having sex with in the shower is not noticing the hair stuck in the drain or the month-old conditioner globbed all over the tiles. All he sees is boobs, water, and butt. Of course if you have black mold crawling up your walls, you may want to skip the attempt altogether and hire a contractor for a bathroom demo and remodel. Just saying.

Wrong hole, buddy!

This goes hand and hand with the "water is the worst lube" realization, except this fear is so popular it deserves its own paragraph. So, remember my comparison to a wet rubber pencil? Well, not only do we think about how uncomfortable it can feel and sound (kind of like a squeegee) but we also have to deal with it popping out of place. Jesus Christ, why does anyone want to do this? Internal dialogue goes a little something like this, "OK, we are in and ready for takeoff, OK wait now we are out again. OK, back in. OK, back out and attempting entry in the wrong hole. OK man, really, that’s my freaking belly button. OK, we are back in. Wow, this sucks."

Am I going have time to actually “shower”?

The whole reason I got in the shower in the first place was to clean myself. You know, rid my body and hair of dirt, oil, and grime. I appreciate (not really) your attempt to get romantic but this isn’t an easy thing for a chick to do. Showering is not only time consuming but requires a lot of post time as well. What, do you think this hair volumizes on its own or that this face naturally glows the perfect shade of pink and bronze? Ha! Listen, if you want to try and do the vertical tango in the tub, then I’ll give it a shot, but the least you can do is let me lather, rinse, and repeat first.