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There are so many misconceptions about sex that people should really do without because they put unnecessary pressure on relationships. Disregarding them can help heighten your sexual connections to people and inspire you to explore more.
These are some of the most damaging misconceptions and how to forget about them:
1. People should climax together.
One of the biggest problems with sex is the orgasm gap—where one person climaxes and the other doesn’t. This happens in every relationship, whether it be in a heterosexual relationship or homosexual relationship.
Society has come to cherish the idea that people have to come at exactly the same time lest the sexual experience be viewed as an awkward failure. But what people don’t understand is that it is, more often than not, physically impossible for two people to climax in time with one another. Everyone has their own unique threshold.
Please realize that people don’t have to come at the same time! There should really be less fear surrounding the idea. It doesn’t serve any purpose but to shame those who “don’t last long enough” and those who “take too long.”
Disregarding this idea will help eliminate the problem and make the bedroom a more relaxed, judgement-free zone for everyone involved.
2. Dynamic is dictated by gender.
People have the tendency to assign certain energies and dynamics to partners based on gender and their conventional roles.
People believe that men should be dominant leaders. They conversely believe that women should be submissive followers.
And for homosexual relationships, this idea still exists. People believe that one person has to be dominant and one person has to be submissive. They find it hard to imagine sex working between two people of the same energy—two submissive people or two dominant people.
This mindset really limits people to certain roles based on their gender/energy and lumps similar dynamics together. Masculine energies are pressured to perform and deliver well, taking the lead always. Feminine energies are expected to keep quiet, take what is given, and never ask for what they want. All of this said, this misconception just isn’t beneficial to anyone.
So, to clear things up:
Top and bottom concern who is giving and who is receiving the pleasure. While dominant and submissive, like the names suggest, concern behavior; the dominant person takes charge, and the submissive person follows the dominant persons lead.
And what people need to understand is that top doesn’t always go with dominant, and bottom doesn’t always go with submissive.
To paint a picture, tops can be submissive. People giving pleasure can listen to the direction of their partner as to how they can best pleasure them.
And bottoms can be dominant. People receiving the pleasure can command when and how they are given pleasure by their partner.
These dynamics do not have to be assigned to a specific gender or energy. And they aren’t permanent either. You can change throughout your life depending on personal preferences, relationships, and partners.
Understanding these different combinations can help you explore the other ways you can act in the bedroom. There’s no wrong way to be, just do whatever feels right.
3. Ranking Sex Acts
Society has ranked sex acts, prioritizing some and ignoring others. For example, hand jobs are frowned upon, fingering is considered fake sex, blow jobs and oral sex are better, and penetrative sex is the end goal. Foreplay is overlooked and penetration becomes the definition of sex.
This is detrimental for many reasons—one being that it puts pressure on people to disregard their own boundaries. And unfortunately, this happens in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships.
On another note, it relegates sexual assault and abuse cases that don’t involve penetration. Violent rapes by strange men are glorified over molestation, assault, and harassment. Victims begin to rank their stories in comparison to other people and believe that their experience wasn’t as bad.
Valuing all sex acts as important aspects to the sexual experience can help make everything more meaningful and more enjoyable. You can work on developing other bedroom skills and other ways of connecting to your partner. It can also help relieve people of the pressure to have penetrative sex when they don’t want to.
And for sexual abuse and assault survivors, it can help validate their experience as valid.
4. Toys shouldn’t be used by couples.
Toys were created to enhance the sexual experience, so why not use them? Introduce something new and exciting into the experience.
5. For those in a relationship with a person with a vagina: it’s all about the vagina.
Most women can’t orgasm from penetration alone. And the clitoris is one of the most sensitive parts of the vulva, more sensitive than the head of a penis (to put it into perspective). Do not neglect it!
6. Masturbation is for lonely, single people.
Many people think that masturbation is only for people who aren't in a committed relationship—that couples shouldn't because that's what the other person is there for, to have sex with. But in reality, it's a healthy part of human activity, no matter if you're single or married. It can also be a useful tool in enhancing your sex life. Mutual masturbation of your partner (manually stimulating them without the use of your genitals) can help you focus on pleasing them since you won't be stimulated genitally. And mutual masturbation of yourself in front of your partner can help them learn how you like to be touched and what works for you.
7. Communication ruins the moment.
Sure, there’s the communication that happens between people when they talk about sex. But not a lot of people think about communication during sex. And not a lot of people think it’s that important.
Some might think that their body is doing all the work, so why should they have to talk?
While others say communication during sex gives them a lot of anxiety because they don’t know what to say, when to say it, or how to say it. And they don’t know how their partner is going to react.
Unfortunately, people aren’t mind readers, so selling the fantasy requires some work.
And let me tell you, it’s more awkward when there’s silence and the two of you are just tumbling around aimlessly.
Let communication become a part of the experience. There are ways to incorporate it so that it is less awkward and more fun. Just think, it can be quite riveting when the dynamic plays out with submissive and dominant roles. Leaders can use their voice to command the bedroom, and followers can submit to what they say. And isn’t it fun when you’re able to get what you want and give your partner what they want?
Forgetting about these misconceptions will help liberate your sexual experience, I promise. The bedroom will become a space free from judgment, unwanted pressure and expectations, and labeled constraints.