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The Thoughts We've Had During Boring Sex

Hands up, who's thought about food during boring sex?

By Benjamin WareingPublished 7 years ago 5 min read
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I always preach about how great sex is, and I think most sex writers do. There isn’t any denying that, under the right circumstances, sex can really blow your mind – full pun intended. It’s the link between physical pleasure and mental fulfilment, and above all else, it is the largest and most explosive psychological stimulus available to humans. It's instinctual, it's pleasurable, it's fun and it's never boring.

Well, all of those, except for the last one.

That’s right – to all the virgins out there, sex can actually be boring sometimes, and to all the non-virgins, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Sometimes you can just be too tired, too preoccupied or too stressed to fully enjoy the naked dance you’re somehow entwined into after an awkward morning prod from your significant other. Now, does that mean all sex is boring? Not at all, in fact it’s quite the opposite – most sex is incredible and addictive. But sometimes, it just blows, or sucks, or as us British people say, “it’s wank” – in American, that just translates to ‘it can be boring’. Despite this, and despite the few rare times I’ve found myself balls-deep in the boring experiences, one concept always humours me – the thoughts you have during it. If your mind isn’t on the ball(s), and you don’t see yourself reaching that climactic finish line, your mind can sway to places you never knew possible in such a scenario. Almost straight out of a crappy angst-filled teen flick, or a random sex article written by a guy in England, the thoughts we all share during lame sex can be really quite funny or relatable. After scouring countless online lists, message boards for “liberated sex addicts” and awkward anonymous submissions on Tumblr, I can proudly describe some of those weirdly fantastic thoughts below.

“Fuck, I’m hungry”

Even if you’ve not had mind-numbingly boring and timid sex, it’s highly likely you’ve felt this at least once whilst engaged in the deed. Whilst some argue that it's just our bodies natural inclination when bored, as we often comfort eat when bored, some sexologists claim that due to sex being a physically rigorous activity, it burns up calories quicker, thus leading to us feeling more hungry. Either way, science of comfort, we all know how awesome sex and chocolate would be – so break out of the concept stage and give it a go. Sure, your fella might look at you a bit oddly, but at least it cures some of your boredom, right?

“Is it my turn on top?”

So you’re on your back and he’s doing his thing. Your mind is already a million miles away, perhaps his rhythm is off or the dog is eerily lurking at the side of your bed, watching in in judgement and disgust. He suddenly stops and pulls out, and all that crosses your mind is “what now?” Are you meant to move? Do you just kind of lie there? Turn over and throw your ass to the ceiling? You’d know if guys weren’t so terrible at communicating other than the “I’m going to cum” grunt at the end of every animalistic mating ritual. Part of you wants it – after all, who needs that $50 gym membership when you can get a waist and thigh work out on top, but then again, can you be arsed? Sometimes, lying there and staring into the abyss of your mind can suit you just fine.

“Leg cramp…again?”

So I can say with almost certainty that we’ve all faced the dreaded sex-cramp before; your thigh cramping up when switching position, your hip freaking out when you doggy position just a little too enthusiastically, or even your stomach stitching when grinding harder than normal. Sexual cramps are actually one of the most common injuries partners can face, and how you deal with them can be really awkward in the heat of the moment. If you’re busy delivering the goods, stopping to nurture your cramped leg can make you feel like going from being a porn star to an elderly person in 0.2 seconds. So, chances are if you’re not brave enough to stop the work-out session to sort it out, you’ll spend the next 5 minutes intensely thinking about your awkward situation. Who said sex was a pain killer?

“Did I remember to shave?”

For those of you who shave, remembering to do so can be a nightmare. If you did, good job, but you’ll forget you did and worry about it until you’re already in the moment. In between the thrusts of your partner, you’ll probably try to catch a glimpse of your body without making it look obvious; that 0.5 second time frame between each thrust out makes you swallow your heart at the thought of it. In the meanwhile, your thoughts may drift away – maybe he likes hair? What style would you suit? Can you even be arsed to shave anymore? Why do men’s razors cost less than women’s? Who needs to think about sex when you have these deep philosophical questions to care about?

“Try…not…to…laugh…”

Okay, so sex can be utterly hilarious sometimes. I don’t think anyone can deny that; the sounds, the awkward silence, the even more awkward freezing when you hear a thud outside your door. When your partner is way into it, but you’re just not feeling it, you can’t help but resist the type of school-girl giggling that would have gotten you in trouble in school after your friend passes you a dirty joke. Oddly, sexologists suggest that laughter during sex is actually one of the most normal things to do, ever, and that it actually helps to contribute to an incredibly open and happy sex life, so maybe just give it ago – what do you have to lose?

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About the Creator

Benjamin Wareing

Journalist and photographer. News, opinions and politics are my forte. Futuristic dystopian is my kink.

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