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If you’re one of the many women who struggle to understand why your man is avoiding being intimate with you, know that you’re not alone… and that the problem is usually more about him than it is about you.
When a man is avoiding sexual intimacy it usually points to fear of an underlying sexual “malfunction” issue. Just one random occurrence of a man losing his erection or ejaculating before time is disturbing to him.
However, when it happens on a somewhat consistent basis, it detrimentally affects his self esteem (and his ability to feel fulfilled as a man) as well as knocking his belief in his ability to fulfill you. So he starts to avoid having sex with you, just in case he fails to perform to expectations.
Men are hard wired with a great need of being able to please their partner sexually.
When a man is unable to achieve this feat, he can become disheartened as he feels like he is failing as a man. Sexual performance anxiety is a very real experience for many men. A man facing the above problems will quite often start to withdraw from the sexual side of his relationship, refraining from being intimate, as well as appearing emotionally distant, as he desperately tries to figure out how to solve the sexual function problem.
One in three couples are affected by sexual problems.
A man with perceived sexual problems may frequently watch porn.
He doesn’t watch porn because he’s no longer attracted to you. For a man facing sexual issues, porn is a much safer option than intercourse—because if he’s by himself, it’s not as humiliating and demoralising if he loses his erection or ejaculates early.
Some men masturbate to porn in a fervent hope that their penis will start working properly. Others just do a rush porn job to try and get rid of their mounting sexual frustration, hoping you won’t catch them in the act of it.
Men with sex problems still feel a strong desire and need to express themselves sexually, hence their requirement to find a quick release through porn. This act is neither gratifying nor fulfilling, and as long as his problem keeps occurring, he continues to feel like less of a man.
This can result in further emotional withdrawal.
The more frequently problems occur, the more paranoid he becomes about his ability to perform. It’s at this point that many men avoid having sex with their partner.
Understanding the Real Problem
There’s a huge amount of guilt associated with these problems, both for the man avoiding the sexual act—and the partner wondering what’s gone wrong. It’s common for his partner to blame herself. Because of the embarrassment surrounding talking about this issue, usually both partners refrain from speaking about it, which compounds their individual suffering as they seek to comprehend the fact that they may be failing as a partner.
Quite frequently, the initial occurrence of his problem… was one random thought that he had during sex.
Just like when you have random thoughts, unrelated to sex and the pleasure you are feeling, you are unable to reach orgasm, right?
A woman’s orgasm program is rather straightforward to complete, it’s just a matter of balancing her sexual focus and actions, so she becomes more aware of enjoying the sensations.
While men also need to balance their sexual focus throughout foreplay and penetration (as well as intercourse), the male sexual program, from gaining a hard erection to ejaculating when you want him to, is a little more complex. Kind of like walking a tightrope. Too much focus one way will make him lose his erection… and too much focus the other way will make him lose control. So when a man loses concentration, it can easily make him lose his erection or lose control and ejaculate early.
The Failure of Sex Education
This is where sex education fails men and women alike, because teens aren’t taught the mental mechanics of how to complete a sexual act. This means that when something goes wrong sexually, they have no knowledge to reference the issue against. What to focus on, and when. Where not to put attention. How to enhance awareness of sensations. How to decrease awareness of sensations without needing to stop movement. All of these things are essential aspects of sexual knowledge, which enable them to be in charge of their bodies in this very important arena of their lives.
Over 30 percent of men have these challenges and over 50 percent of women have problems reaching orgasm. If you or your partner are in this category, please know that you are not broken in any way, you’re just missing some vital knowledge (and other people just got lucky). With the right knowledge and technique, which I can show you, sexual failures will become a thing of the past.
If you have a man who’s avoiding having sex with you, talk to him. Tell him that sex is important to you, that satisfying sex can be achieved together—and that you’d like to support him in achieving that result. Then seek expert help if you don’t know how to resolve those problems yourself. I’d be happy to help and have pre-recorded programs available so you can both resolve these issues in the privacy of your own home if that’s your preferred method.
Get the answers at: www.EndTheProblem.com
This article was initially posted by Jacqui on Medium.