The One Where He Slept with a Starfish

If you got the reference to the title and byline and have stuck around, sweet! Let's laugh at my failures together, shall we? Think of me as Ross. I hate Ross. Let's continue!

I was young when this tale of sex and partying takes place. The uneven, yet fully legal age of 21. I'm 28 now and as much as I have grown in the past seven years, the individual in this story (who will remain with an alias) has too.

Let's name her Xena. Xena was a beautiful, light skinned women. Four years older than me. Gorgeous flowing brown hair, smokey eye shadow, a thin waist, and curvy as hell.

Now if you get that reference to Xena, good for you! You had a childhood parked in front of the TV like I did!

If you don't get it, Xena was/is a warrior princess who kicked some serious ass back in the '90s with swords and a cool sharp frisbee disk thingy that cut people's limbs off when she threw it. Wholeheartedly, the Xena in this story was like a warrior princess too but instead of striking down her foes with swords and a frisbee killing disk, her weapon was her vagina.

Getting to know who you are and becoming the person you will one day become proud of is all a matter of time and place. More importantly, the mistakes you make and the chances you take help build character, humility and gets you closer to becoming a good and decent human being. That's how I am going to classify this failure for the rest of the article. I was finding myself and I had to be completely humiliated to at least find out who I didn't want to be.

My early 20s were full of partying, sex, independance, and an all around sense of good times. I don't regret anything I've done but I do look back and welcome the thought that certain experiences brought me to be a more humble human being.

I've been with plenty of partners but Xena was different. She was stubborn, had plenty of sass to go around, and didn't respond to people's bullshit.

She was a warrior in her own right.

Xena also knew that I slept around a lot and that wasn't something she was into. Never-the-less, I continued my attempts to seduce her almost every time I saw her. She would always shoot me down but that never stopped me from hitting on Xena again, as well as fooling around with other women.

I was a player. She knew it. Everyone in my circle knew it. My grandmother knew it. It wasn't a secret.

I remember distinctly the day Xena's attitude changed.

"Hey, Xena," I said with a slight wink in my eye and carefully placed curl in my lips. "How are you?"

"I'm good, Tony. How are you?" she examined me up and down closing the introduction with her tongue leaving her mouth as it slightly cascaded the right side of her lip, exposing her big, bright smile.

At this point, I knew Xena had never really "done" this to me before. She was so quick to dismiss me and throw me back on my merry way.

"I'm good. You look amazing today. When are you done with work? I'd love to buy you a drink." #SinglePUKE

She looked at me and nodded. "I'm done at 6. Why don't we split a bottle of wine?"

"OKAY!" My mind screamed as I tried to play it cool. "If you're into drinking a Shiraz, I'm your guy."

Xena leaned in, away from the computer screen she was punching orders into, got really close, right up onto my ear, and whispered, "My guy? I like that..."

Eyes bulging and my heart racing, I pecked her on the cheek and said, "I'll be back at 6." #DoublePUKE

She smiled and Xena pushed away from me, giving me a wink.

The day had gone by after I returned home to shower, although I already did in the morning, shaved and put on new clothes. I was really trying. I mean, I wanted her pretty bad.

Time ticked away on my six dollar watch I got on eBay. (If I bought 20, I got 10 free) And finally it was time to meet up with Xena.

I walked into the bar where she worked, so proud and full of myself. Absolutely ready to smash back some wine and have a good time. A hockey game is being announced in the background and the smell of pizza and wings drown out my ability to notice the half-bottle of Hugo Boss I just used on every section of my body.

Xena was already sitting at a table and waved me over.

"Hey," she said as I sat down. "Wow, you smell good! I wonder if you taste good?"

Have you ever just forced a laugh out or been around someone that forced a laugh out? I mean like, bellying achingly laughing. Uncontrollable yet noticeably fake? Xena had that laugh at that moment.

I was so ready to copulate with this human being that I didn't think twice about it and ordered us that bottle of shiraz.

"Five ounces or eight?" I asked Xena as if I knew what the fuck I was talking about.

"Let me start with five but you should have eight," she confirmed as I began to pour a misjudged amount of wine in both wine glasses.

We began talking and laughing and, to me, we were generally having a good time.

I was about four, eight ounce shiraz glasses in the bag. Maybe she was at two, five ounces? I couldn't really tell. Back then, I was a lightweight with any type of alcohol and I still am.

I got up and went to the bathroom.

"I'll be right back." I kissed her again on the cheek.

She reciprocated with a full smooch on the lips. "I'm going to get the bill. Hurry. I wanna go."

Xena insisted on paying for it as I tried to hand her a fifty, so I left it, and let her pay. I go to the bathroom. Just number one. Nothing serious. Washed my hands, dried them, and exited the men's room. She was waiting for me at the front door of the restaurant itching to leave.

I grab her hand and we leave the bar.

Deciding to go back to Xena's house, a quaint, well organized basement apartment was the best idea for both of us since I lived with my parents and let's face it. That, at 21, was not sexy.

We climb onto Xena's couch, making out and moaning in passion.

She takes her top off then un-buttons mine. Removing my button up and my t-shirt, we kiss some more before Xena says, "Let's go to the bedroom."

I nodded, "Yea, okay."

NOW, if you're still here, thanks for sticking around. You're a champ and I love you for the perseverance you have in laughing with and at me in my experience of growing into a well rounded adult. Back to it, shall we?

Xena pulls me onto her bed, removes her yoga pants and thong and mouths the words along the lines of, "Do it."

Ripping my jeans and boxers off, throwing on protection and getting inside her was all I could focus on. So, I did.

Leading up to the sex was actually quite exhilarating and fun. I can't deny that. Xena played a perfect game and she knew what she wanted from the beginning. Or at least I thought so.

As I began to thrust myself inside her, I expected Xena to moan. Even like a soft whispery moan to signal to me that she was enjoying it.

Nothing.

She had her arms straight across her bed and her legs laid at perfect, identical angles. #thestarfish

So I look her in the face and began giving myself a reason to sweat. #goinhardbro

Nothing.

Not one sound. Not one peep. She was even looking at me. Dead in the eyes and Xena... was... silent.

"Wanna change positions?" I asked.

"No. I'm good," Xena explained.

I didn't know what to do but I can tell you what I wasn't doing. I wasn't at full mast, if you know what I mean. I felt weak and small.

I asked her, "Xena, what's wrong?"

She replied, "Nothing. Keep going. You're doing great."

I slowly removed myself from our intertwined bodies and sort of stared at her for a second.

Cautiously I said, "I think I'm going to go..."

Xena sat up in her bed and said, "No, why don't you take a seat, Tony? Let's talk."

Literally taken back and in a daze, I couldn't refuse.

As I sat there on her bed, naked, I noticed one roll on my stomach that I was trying to cover up with crossed arms, and then she spoke to me.

"Would you consider yourself a player?"

"Well... I..."

"Do you enjoy sleeping with a bunch of women? Not calling them back, ghosting them, or small talking your way out of ever seeing them again?"

"What's going on..."

"You see, Tony. I don't care too much for you. Like at all. But you need to be put in your goddamn place."

At this point, I'm not just hiding the rolls on my stomach, I was almost in the fetal position and was barely aware of it.

"You're a handsome guy. You know it and other women obviously know it too, but you wanna know something? I think you're ugly." #ouch

"But you just said I was..."

"You can't go around sleeping with a bunch of women. Break their hearts and then feel like you've accomplished something. No. That's not right. You can't do that. It's wrong and disgusting."

I sat silent on her bed. Still naked and feeling more and more childlike by the second.

"Do you know why I slept with you? If that's what you want to call it?" she said, vigorously unimpressed.

This time she let me respond. Not that it would matter.

"Because I thought you were into me?" I said boldly.

"I did it to watch the disappointment in your face when I got to tell you that you, straight up, suck. You're an asshole and a nobody."

The disappointment now fully realized on my face. #crushed

"You could be so many things in life but a player shouldn't be one of them."

"Now," her voice began to crescendo. "Grab your fucking shit and get the fuck out of my house, you giant FUCKING loser!"

Without a word and utterly humiliated I grabbed my things, got dressed, and left Xena's home.

"Holy shit..." I thought to myself as I began walking down her street catching my breath. "She played me. Good."

It was about an hour and a half walk away from my house but thought I should use that time to rethink the ways I'd been living my life.

I had never experienced anything like that before and the more I thought about it, the more clever and cunning Xena became in my head.

A sexual mastermind set out to correct the wrongs of men one starfished sex position at a time. #pussypower

You see. Xena did teach me something that night.

She taught me that one night stands aren't always what you're looking for. That respecting other people's boundaries is a wholesome way to get to know someone. And that being a douche chasing tail leaves people hurt and upset about their own actions, regretting the fact that they ever trusted you at all in the first place.

I knew these were all true because that's how I'd been feeling after Xena kicked me out.

Now it's time for the punchline to all this.

Ready for it?

The wine was a Cabernet.