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The Internet Has Ruined Sex for Everybody, and Here’s Why

A Glance Inside the Man Brain

Let’s begin with the basic understanding that most men are like five-year-olds with shiny, red fire trucks. They want girls to play with those fire trucks, but they’re constantly worried that girls have played with bigger, better, shinier fire trucks. This makes those five-year-olds indignant.

Some of them decide to excel in other areas of life. Some of them are always going to remain insecure and petty. Some of them will just get over it, and enjoy the beauty of life. Some of those five-year-olds are the ones with great, big, super-shiny fire trucks, and they think that every girl is lucky to get to play with that truck, and no matter how the boy wants to play, the girl will love it because it’s the biggest, baddest truck in town, but that’s far from true.

Sure, some of the girls like big trucks that can barely fit in their garage, but most girls aren’t just a garage, are they? Here’s my take on how the internet has ruined sex for everyone.

Because a lot of men want to please their partners, they invest time and money in online courses, which teaches them how to make that pussy purr. Sure, it’s important to know where a clit is, and how to stimulate the various components of the vagina machine, but there’s no need to comprehend the inner workings of this holy beast to the extent of a gynecologist.

If you were expecting to read an article masquerading as a how to manual, you’re shit out of luck. In fact, it’s those articles and courses, which have ruined sex. They’ve dehumanized women into vaginas, making men think that if they don’t know the subject matter inside and out, they can’t please a woman, but pleasing women has so much less to do with their vaginas than men have been led to believe.

Dudes, learn how to please your women, and then learn how you can enjoy their vaginas with them. They are people.

Dudes, you are people, too. You are not penises. I mean, some of ya’ll are dicks, but that’s a different story.

The other side of this problem is that women have been taught that no man can last for more than two minutes. They don’t know what a clit is. They can’t eat pussy or finger, and all they can do is thrust as hard and fast as pistons in a Challenger. 

Women are taught that they should forget men and just learn to please themselves, and experimenting with toys is top drawer. In fact, it’s not only accepted that women have sex toys; it’s expected!

God forbid a dude has a Fleshlight or a sex doll, though; that means he’s a creep who can’t get laid.

Maybe, it just means he enjoys himself unabashedly the same as women do.

Now, dudes, one common complaint women have is that men think that sex should be like porn. They say this for a reason. Sex is not porn. Porn is fake. Porn is a fantasy. It is meant to look and sound appealing while you rub one out. Most girls don’t want to change positions every five seconds; it makes them loose their mojo, and they feel like they have to start all over again.

Imagine this is like your dick going flaccid every time you change position. Bummer, right?

Sex is supposed to be the physical representation of your innermost feelings for one another. Now, that’s not always the case.

Sometimes, some people just wanna fuck, that’s cool. Those people often don’t care about achieving an orgasm because they’re good at giving themselves orgasms, but still they enjoy sex; it’s like enjoying playing basketball even if you suck at it and never score. It’s still fun, but fewer women want sex because it’s readily assumed that it will be bad, and fewer men are trying to have sex because they can’t earn an MD for a position as OB/GYN.

So what do we do?

Look, what’s important is consent, communication, and just having fun. Have fun with it. It should be a fun activity to share with someone special.

Dudes, ask your girl if she likes what you’re doing. Don’t interrupt the mood, but it’s so easy to be thrusting down on her, making deep eye contact, smiling, and asking: You like that, baby?

Ladies, if you don’t like that, baby, just say: It’s okay, but… and then tell us to go slower, or use more lube, or whatever. I mean, presumably, you really like this guy, enough to drop your draws and let him stick his dick in you, so just be honest if you like it a little different.

Sex does not have to be a fucking science project, and no one has to be the best to have a good time. The important thing is to make it fun, enjoyable, and intimate.

There are always exceptions, but I’m not here to discuss paraphilias or behavioral psychology; I’m just here to let everyone know that sex can be good without a big dick or a medical degree. I’m also here to let ladies know that we, men, have beaten our brains out trying to learn how to give you what WE’VE BEEN TOLD you want. We’re trying, really, I swear, and I'm sorry if we haven't been doing the right things, but we get our info from the same place you do... the internet!

It’s unfortunate that we’ve all been inundated with the asinine idea that it’s difficult to please women. It’s equally moronic that women have been inundated with the message that all men think that sex should be like porn; many of us know the difference, and many of us are happy being told to do something a little different.

Ladies, don’t worry so much about hurting our feelings. Sit us down post coitus, and tell us what you liked about the little pound sesh. Then, tell us what would work great next time. Trust me, most men are going to be more than happy to appease. Only a douche is going to get butt hole hurt, and if he does, maybe, he’s not worthy of your attention.

Dudes, don’t get butt hole hurt if you weren’t the best lover. Don’t be afraid to ask if it was okay, or what might work better next time. By the same token, if your girl gets all bent out of shape, maybe she’s not right for you.

So, everyone, just be cool, be consensual, and do what you can. First times are always a little weird; even experienced lovers gotta’ get their timing down. Relax, and simply help each other to make each other feel good. That’s all there is to it!

Women are not vaginas. Men are not penises. No one has to be the best lover in the world to be a good lover, and good is always going to be subjective. No vagina is one size-fits-all. Got it? Now, go get it!

Oh, and maybe shoot me a little donation, so I can go out and rent it. :3

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