I recently had a conversation with one of my exes that made me laugh. He made no sense. As you guys know, I'm a part of the BDSM community, and so are a few of my exes—including this one. He basically abused me and the current girl he has in his grip. I didn't realize it at the time that he wasn't the right kind of controlling to be a dom. There is such a thing as bad controlling in the lifestyle, but I will talk about that more in another article or blog. Once the contract was signed, he didn't want me to question him or anything. I wasn't allowed to ask anything about what he had planned. He didn't even want me to add things to the hard limits list. Now why would I want to ask questions and add things to my hard limits list? It's because I was very new at the time. I didn't know a lot about the lifestyle, so of course I would have questions. I also just knew the basic fetishes I wasn't into, but the more I explored, the more I discovered I didn't like. The reason why I keep talking to such a weird person is that he's a good reminder of what not to do or say.
The ex that I talked to changes his mind all the time. I would bring something up one time and he would have one thought on it or one reasoning for it, then the next time he talked about it like a week or two later, his opinion or reasoning had changed. I had noticed that when we were together. When we first got together, he said that I would be a sub mainly for his primary sub, who he is still with. Then every so often, that idea would change sometimes. It would change from day to day. When I ended it two months later, the idea was that they would train me for him or someone else, but I had found out through trusted friends that they were full of crap.
If you've read my other blogs or articles, you know how I feel about Fifty Shades of Grey. I knew that the ex and his now only girl had read the book, but I was naïve that I just assumed that everyone in the lifestyle thought that the book was not a good example of what the lifestyle is. Even people outside of the lifestyle think that the book is trash, but for different reasons. When I was with them, I never knew that the only problem he had with Fifty Shades was that it was too tame. Now I will admit some of the stuff they mentioned I did learn about very quickly in the lifestyle, and I learned that it was pretty basic. Honestly, whether or not it is tame is subjective.
Back to the ex. We can learn a lot from him. The first thing is, if his plans for his relationship with you changes, it is OK to walk away. If he can't decide what kind of relationship or life he wants with you, why don't you let him go? Not knowing what he wants with you may be a sign that he doesn't know if he wants you at all. Yes that's harsh, but it's the truth. It can also be a sign that he doesn't know what he wants or if wants it with you (or maybe with anyone).
We can also learn that we have to have trusted people in our lives that know the lifestyle we are in. We need these people in our lives, because if we get into a bad situation, they can help us out.
The last thing we learn is something I am still learning. It's that we need to learn how and when to get out. We need to know when something is bad for us and when it will hurt us to stay. We also need to know that love is not enough sometimes. We have to guard ourselves and stop wasting time not being happy and being hurt.