I just ended a 3 year relationship. It was my very first LTR, (Long Term Relationship). Being 27 years-old, I feel like most of my peers have had multiple LTR's already. But I was a late bloomer. Lost my virginity when I was 23. And all of that is just a little background for the real topic:
Kinky Sex with Strangers
Maybe it's more normal, less kinky, you can tell me. But after dating [sleeping] around a bit before my LTR, and jumping back into the dating pool, post-LTR, I have never felt so inexperienced as I do with my newest lover. We went on dates, we kissed, we cuddled. And one evening, while he was naked in my bed and had yet to reach orgasm, I asked if there was anything I could do to help out. I thought we'd change position or perhaps whisper naughty words in his ear. His response, "I've got latex gloves and lube in my bag if you'd like to finger me."
COLOR ME RED. I just wasn't expecting a frank reply - and more than that my brain was chasing itself in circles on fingering a guy. Like, how, no wait, I get how, wait, what did you say? I bashfully retreated back away from him.
"You don't have to," he reassured - such a sweet man, of course I don't have to, but a thoughtful response nonetheless.
"No, it's not that, it's just I've never done it before," I replied. The moment of truth was upon us - would I? Dare I?
"Do you like to?" he said, I sheepishly nodded my reply.
It's not just the uncommon factor that led me to write this - it's the fact that, as an adult, a mature woman, a sexual being, I have not felt unsure of my performance in years, since I was the last virgin in my friend group. I thought I'd learned it all, but here was a brand new experience. One that challenged gender roles and society's ideas of manliness and femininity. I was suddenly nervous in a way that was completely new.
I didn't ask for directions, but decided to accpet the enormous trust he was offering - I would penetrate him. Just like my heroine Abbi on Broad City. I wasn't being asked to peg anyone, but I was still strongly reminded of that episode. (If you haven't seen Broad City, I recommend seeking it out.) I tried different techniques, looking to see how he reacted. Personally I felt like I was on a high wire tight rope, my heart beating in my throat and my brain awash in bizarre fascination for the entire interaction.
When we were done, I felt rather proud of myself. A brand new source of confidence was born in me. Giving a guy a classic HJ, or BJ, was always nice, but the HJ always left me feeling like they wanted something better and the BJ, well, it has some really strong overtones of serving the gentleman. This new way of bringing a man pleasure, I began to see a piece of the typical hetero-male perspective. Being able to watch his reactions, while I was inside of him, it was a unexpected power trip.
This man is utterly unique to me. Maybe I'd just had shy partners. Maybe communication wasn't their strong suit. (It's not mine, I'll admit.) He has taught me new terminology in "metamour" "orgasm denial" and others. Now, don't get ahead of me here, "metamour" was the only truly new concept to me - but I had never before discussed these things openly with a man. (Side note, he was previously in a polyamorous relationship.)
Fast forward a week or two and I am now naked in his bed, and once again, we've had some really fantastic sex, but I can sense that he desires something...else. And I don't much enjoy ending a bout without my partner's grand finale. This time I learn about the aforementioned "orgasm denial". Now, it's exactly as it sounds, but with my noob level status on the matter, I went right back to feeling unsure about the whole situation. I agreed to try and, out come cuffs for me to put on his wrists. Next I'm recommended a masturbation sleeve...already feeling deeply out of my element I pass on that offer and elect to strictly use my own hands...with a little lube. (If you don't break out lube in the bedroom, it's an easy beginner's item to start exploring.) I'll spare myself from sharing the more intimate details of this encounter, but suffice it to say I grew in confidence the longer we both lay there together and it turns out that my mind can come up with some real dirty talk when given the opportunity.
That's why I've written this today. GIVE YOURSELF THE OPPORTUNITY. Find someone who's willing to explore new things, try new things, teach you new things. It's exciting, and fun and a giant confidence boost to help someone else feel good. Especially as a woman, in the past I've too often felt that good sex was out of my hands - literally. A mere vessel to receive attention and lie there and enjoy it. I'd rarely need to exert any real physical effort myself, and those one-sided interactions, while I may have enjoyed many of them, left me feeling a little empty after, like an underachiever.
I'm here to recommend asking your partner, old or new, if there's anything they might like to try. Of course, always make sure you're both honest about what you feel comfortable doing together. Final message: don't limit yourself in the bedroom.