SubSays: How to Find a Dom

When You're a S-Type in a Daunting Fetish World

Hey you, with the submissive style and interests…yeah, you! Are you looking for a Dom? I’ve made this magical and practical guide to how to safely go about finding your specific D-type while surfing through this magical online fetish world. It can often be extremely dangerous for submissives or other s-types to go about finding a Dominant partner since many of those quote-unquote “D-types” aren’t really confident, safe, experienced, or educated about what it really means to be Dominant or to Dominate, even more so if you're a younger female in this terrifying world of pervy "Doms." Here are seven ideas to consider and read through before consenting to be owned, collared, or to play.

Idea #1: Make your FetLife Account.

FetLife is a social media platform for kinky people. It’s an amazing website for any sort of education or information you need on the BDSM lifestyle! Once you make a profile, you’ll be able to search through different types of fetishes and add them to your list of interests, make an "about me" section, state what exactly it is that you're looking for, and see other kinksters with similar interests to you in your area. FetLife also provides various groups that you can join, like “420: Marijuana Kinky,” “35 and under,” and “Kinky, poly, and looking” that will let you post and communicate with those new friends. In addition to those groups, if you’re willing to do so, you can post in a classified group with what you’re looking for and see who responds! It’s kind of like selling yourself, but hey, it’s often a really cool way to meet someone specific with the same interests and fetishes as you.

Idea #2: Start learning.

If you’re newer to the scene, start learning about all the different types of Dominants and submissives there are, what different types of fetishes are, and what you’re into. There is zero need to rush into wanting to be under a Dominant’s consideration for a collar if you don’t even know what you want yourself. Bring that to the table instead, and you’ll be the confident one!

Idea #3: Go to a local munch.

If you’ve never been to a munch before, it’s basically a gathering of like-minded kinksters who sit around with a drink or food and chat about T/their own lives, experiences, or to spend time with friends in the community. It’s an amazing (and public) space to hang out and have a bit of fun while chattin’ it up within the community. You can usually find all munch listings on FetLife, where you can search by city, place, and type of munch. There are poly munches for the polyamorous, 40+ munches, general munches, and the list goes on. Search for what your local munch has to entail! Hopefully by the time you’re ready to attend one, you’ll have already made a friend or two in the scene that you can go with to feel super comfortable.

Idea #4: The Meetup

Meet with your prospective Dom(me)! Go out to a public space with lots of lighting and actually have a conversation. It gets easier to tell whether they’re crazy, experienced, loving and caring, or worthy of potentially earning your trust. You’ll also easily be able to tell what level of experience they have and what they’re looking for, specifically. No question should be a bad question in this space, since Y/you both should be learning as much as you can at this stage.

Idea #5: Be Wary of Dom(me)s who…

Are only after sex. Unless that’s all that you want, as well. But if you’re looking for a Dom to keep you and collar you, then accepting a Dom(me) who just wants to sleep with you probably isn’t your best call.

If you want an experienced D-type, check out Their FetLife profile. If there’s nothing on it, with no fetishes that you enjoy, or connections, He/She probably hasn’t been in the lifestyle for that long and might not have that much experience.

Aren’t willing to care for you. Ever heard of aftercare? If you’re looking for a permanent D-type and they’re not willing to ensure that you have everything you need to recover after a scene, or aren’t interested in learning what that is, you might have the wrong person.

Aren’t willing to talk through the scene. Nobody likes a pushy Dom(me), and it takes two to tango. Your Dom(me) should have the respect to speak to you first about your likes and dislikes, your fetishes and your worries about play, before even the idea of play is even brought up. It’s all about consent, P/people! As a submissive, you should have the right to veto any idea for your own safety and mental health.

is a psychopath. Let’s be real here. Generally speaking, if you get a weird vibe off a Dom(me), you probably shouldn’t get in their car. You’ll find that if you feel safe with a Dominant, you’ll be able to trust them much more, and that’s kind of important when you’re basically giving them the go-ahead to play with you when you’re most vulnerable.

Idea #6: Don’t run with a Dom(me) who demands your submission.

This one should be a no-brainer. If it’s your first time meeting a D-type and they’re already asking you to call them Master or Mistress, then that might be a red flag for you. Just remember that submission is earned, not handed out, and that it’s absolutely precious.

Idea #7: Take your sweet time.

There. Is. No. Rush. You don’t have to have a new D-type in your life by tomorrow at noon. This should be a loving and exciting process where you can learn about your potential partner, more about yourself, and have some fun! If you’re not 100 percent sure that you want to submit to a D-type for play or permanently, then you probably shouldn’t.

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Again, thank you guys for reading, and, as always, if you have any suggestions for upcoming bdsm-related articles, please shoot me a message on my twitter: @SubSaysHello. Y/you're also welcome to ask me questions there, too!

Just please remember to be safe out there, submissives! It can get scary and dangerous, and I've seen some pretty terrible things happen. Just remember to take your time and choose carefully. 

Lydia Catherine
Lydia Catherine

Lover of sloths and cheesecake, active in the BDSM scene and living with mental illness. You'll probably find me nesting in a local coffee shop, since coffee keeps me alive. 

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SubSays: How to Find a Dom