Submissives Make Mistakes Too

Everyone's life seems to be insane now. Where you are living, where you are located, how you deal or cope can change in a heartbeat. I am still learning myself, and in that, I am still learning about why and when I lose my shit. I have zero patience for people who don't do what they say they will do, RIGHT then. It's weird. I do get that life gets in the way, but when my work, livelihood, and home depend on it, I will lose it. I can't cope with liars either, at all. I feel it in my bones, even if you are just trying to surprise me.

Let me line up for you, how our life has been for about a year... I was stalked by a woman working in our old apartment building (almost fought her), I had to plan my wedding alone, because I lost all my bridesmaids for my wedding, my family came to visit, and their home was hit by a hurricane while they were here, friends quit talking to us without explanation, half of our wedding guests never showed, old friends got a hold of me (who were part of the reason I had to leave Alabama), our wedding sabotaged by snow out of nowhere, around the holidays I had the very first friend I had made since moving here... stop talking to me, I met the Grand Count of The Dallas Vampire Council by happen chance in a dollar store, and he went out of his way to speak to me (weird), we tried having a relationship with my Dom's mother just for that to go all wrong (again), our rent was raised from $1200 a month to $1500 a month with one weeks' notice, we bought an RV, and were turning it into a tiny home (we moved in a week) just for a neighbor to cause county issues with us, and I had never even met the people that did it, we made friends with a group of (what we thought) were people like us, we met these people in person, in Denver one time, and somehow I ended up in a pissing match with The Grand Countess of The Denver and Colorado Vampire Court, I have been severely sick during all of this with an unexplainable blood infection, my aunt was tested for cancer they thought she had, and she no longer had it, same with another aunt. Then add on top of all of that... day to day stresses, I don't know what issue is next that my neighbors could cause, the heat of the summer, etc. etc. etc.

When my life feels like it is going to implode on itself, I turn into a tornado of fire and I self-sabotage to no end. However, my Dom has taught me how to catch myself when I am doing it. It starts with a sense of panic, slight and slow. Then it starts building. One bad piece of news, or something going on when I am already in that mindset... then it's on. I shut down. One major issue turns into a pile of major issues, and then I start blaming myself for all of it. For so long, I had the mentality of "hurt someone before they hurt me." There is a myriad of reasons I was this way, and sometimes it still kicks me in the face. When I have had enough of life, enough of everyone's shit, enough of everything going wrong with no end in sight, I destroy people including myself. I clam up, I go to sleep, I bury myself in work, I do anything and everything I think will protect me (I have a deeply embedded survival instinct from having to survive alone for years). Then behind all that, the regret hits when the dust has settled. The pain of, I may have hurt my Dom/husband, I probably upset a friend, I may have broke things or friendships.

Now you may be thinking, why doesn't my Dom punish me for this. Take a wild cat, put it in a cage then let it out, but corner it. If you do this repeatedly, the cat will attack. My Dom knows exactly when to just let me release it, and when to mention that something "bigger" is going on. I can not always control what comes out of my mouth, or how I react (which is precisely why I am NOT a Dom LOL). He knows the difference. He knows when I am just being spiteful, or when I am having serious issues. I have a 10 times better grip on it now than before I met him... but I am always learning. I have learned to recognize when I am wrong, when to apologize and fix it, because let's be honest, real Submission is a choice, and I have to fix my own mindset. He can help all he wants, but if I don't listen, it is of no use.

Dominants have to be thick-skinned individuals, especially if you have a Submissive who has had as many life experiences as I have (you can still have a heart and be thick-skinned). They have to know self-control at all times, and like anyone else, they fail at times. As a Sub in the heat of losing my shit, if I see my Dom slipping, it KILLS me. I stop EVERYTHING, and very quickly realize if he isn't ok, something has to change quickly. He is the one that saves me from myself, and if he isn't ok, we are fucked. Seeing him hurt or losing it, is a whole other level of pain for me. It stops my world and we figure it out. This is how our marriage has worked for almost four years.

This life we lead (we are BOTH seers), is a hard road. We sometimes envy people who don 't see what we see, but now everyone is seeing it... and it freaks us out (I guess you want to be accepted until everyone becomes LIKE you LOL). The one place we come back to gather ourselves is our lifestyle and US. Our house could be falling apart, we could be in transition moving from one place to another, but as long as him, our pup, and I are ok, we will get it covered. My brain, however, doesn't always hold onto that thought, and I forget why we are here.

I guess I should welcome chaos as a new normal. I should be more flexible than I am, but we all live and learn.