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Part of the joy of looking up erotic Kindle eBooks is to see how strange everything gets the further into the pit you descend. Sure, erotica has always been a strange genre, but, thanks to the self-publishing boom Amazon invigorated with its Kindle line, a lot of authors have been able to dump their unfiltered thoughts out into the void to be experienced.
Some authors have met some success with this... despite their books being utterly insane. While it is important to remember that there are sane, rational Kindle eBooks, the erotic category of Amazon's Kindle section contains some of the most demented, strangest, nightmare-fuel filled concepts ever concocted by the human mind.
Gay T-Rex Law Firm: Executive Boner by Chuck Tingle
"You know, if you go to work for a Tyranosaurus Rex law firm, you should count your blessings that all you have to do is take part in a lizard on human group sex extravaganza. I mean you could get eaten alive or even worse be forced to clean up their poop." - Kevin Lintner
I don't understand what it is about dinosaurs people find so sexy. Maybe a lot of people grew up with Jurassic Park, and got way too into that scene where Jeff Goldblum gets plowed by T-Rex, only to spend the rest of the movie naked. Maybe Jeff Goldblum's sexiness made the T-Rex sexy.
But then again, if that were the case, imagine all the erotic novels you'd find of human-fly monsters who peal their puss-filled fingernails off.
Now that I've ruined any arousal you might have possessed at the prospect of gay dino-boning, allow me to explain why this novel is ridiculous. It is a T-Rex orgy of rich businessmen who hire a boy to be their... boy-toy. This is wrong for numerous reasons. In many ways, it plays into the role of the T-Rex as an apex predator feeding their appetite by consuming the weaker, more vulnerable creatures of the world.
Or maybe it's a silly comedy erotic story.
Also available on audio book, so your mom can hear your collection of dinosaur porn.
Someone to Cuttle by Luna Loupe
"im sure nobody will read this but sometimes i like to cover myself in lube and pretend im a slug" - Shelby Roberts (Trust me, Shelby. I read it)
So gay cuttlefish porn is a thing. I admit. I didn't expect to read about this. Granted, I never had a particular issue with cuttlefish. I just didn't think a human and a six-inch squid could have any sort of sexual relationship. I suppose, in order to fit inside, you must have a very small penis. Unless the cuttlefish enjoys having its organs displaced.
So yes, this also is one of the most clever titles I've ever seen for an erotic Kindle eBook. In the field of erotic bestiality, this is perhaps the... most random?
Yeah. I'm surprisingly speechless. There are far stranger eBooks to go, but this one... yeah. Weird as hell.
Garden Gnome Sex Party by Fannie Tucker
"These garden gnomes are deviants. Their only desire is to ravish your lady parts!!" - Sammy Loves Books
Now, I may be an old fashioned kind of guy, but I find garden gnomes fucking creepy. Like, seriously. They're right below dolls and carnies and dolls of carnies for me in terms of profound unsettling potential.
But sure. The start almost reads like something out of a horror novel, complete with unsettling gnomes spying on an innocent girl who is just... masturbating outside while reading a generic fantasy novel. And, as it goes on, the gnomes just creep up on our heroine, all to gang-bang her with their pointed, phallic hats.
If that wasn't unsettling enough, apparently, said girl can't get enough of porcelain hoods, as she takes it all. These possessed hellspawn. Honestly, this one seriously creeped me out way too much to really take in. I kept expecting the garden gnomes to splinter apart, and conjure up some damned spirit of a serial killer.
And I'm not even sure this is supposed to be a comedic novel. If they were Dungeons and Dragons gnomes, then at least there wouldn't be the potential that the gnomes would splinter and crack inside her.
A Billionaire Dinosaur Made Me Gay by Hunter Fox
"I haven't cried to a book since Space Raptor Butt Invasion, and that's a hard one to beat... Better than the Bible." - anonymous Amazon Customer.
This serialized erotic novel by Hunter Fox (author of the such classic (and saner) short stories as "Gay Lord of the Orcs" and "Tentacles Made me Gay") features quite possibly the most surreal experience ever captured in the written language.
So we have our hero, a presumably heterosexual (or closeted gay) man who goes to work for... a billionaire dinosaur. Because of course there are billionaire dinosaurs. How else do you think they can construct such massive halls to fit dinosaurs.
Now, this billionaire dinosaur...I am assuming is a T-Rex given the cover-art, but the T-Rex was forty feet from snout to tail, and this dinosaur is able to operate phones. T-Rex had arms far too small to bring cell phones to his ear, and the visual of a T-Rex operating a speaker phone seems unlikely, though oddly adorable.
So yeah, T-Rex bones (or maybe fossils?) our hero, turning him into a super gay dude. Because that's how gayness works. It's like vampire bites. Ask any of your gay or lesbian friends. I'm sure they can confirm that they spread gayness by being gay.
But yeah, offensive implications aside, it's pretty clear this story is a joke. There's a pterodactyl that operates a helicopter. Let that sink in for a second.
Violated by Monsters: The Sharkman Tank by Hannah Wilde
Hannah Wilde is the author of the Violated by Monsters erotic Kindle eBook series, where maidens of all varieties are ravaged by monsters. Now, while some of these do make sense in some strange way (tentacles are a big thing in Japan, so I can't point that out for being really weird), there's nothing logical about wanting to get fucked by a shark!
This master thief gets stuck in a shark tank. And guess what? The sharks fuck her. I get that this book isn't meant to be taken seriously, but let's be crystal clear here: sharks are the least sexy animals in the world. They are nightmare fuel coalesced in physical form.
The only thing more terrible than sharks would be the Dread Lord Cthulhu himself rising out from his home in R'lyeh to sex people, but guess what? Those books already exist!
The funny thing is that this story actually has potential as a straight-forward erotic novel. A master thief gets caught, and has to escape. Erotic fantasies ensue. That's not a bad set-up, but when you through sharks into it- look, I get that the Sharknado formula tells you that you can combine sharks with anything to make things more awesome, but this is one thing you can't combine. Sex and sharks? No. Just...no.
Taken by the Lightning Bolt by Colt Alcove
"Begins as sculpture criticism and progresses to a theological meditation on the relevance of Greek mythology on today's postmodern world. Subtle and coy, Colt Alcove's debut work is a masterpiece." - pogue
This book opens with a guy fucking a metal horse statue and a Wikipedia quote. I don't think anyone had any illusions about this being a stupid piece of erotic Kindle eBook crap. Or maybe the author just really wanted to make My Little Pony erotica.
At only four pages, the only good thing is that you wouldn't have to suffer through this garbage for more than absolutely necessary. The downside? You can't just politely refuse to read it for being too long.
Then again, once you've been thunderstruck by this electrifying short story, you'd be hard-pressed to find any story like this.
I Don't Care If My Best Friend's Mom is a Sasquatch, She's Hot and I'm Taking a Shower With Her (...Because It's the New Millenium) by Lacey Noonan
"I meant to keep this as a white elephant gift.... but I just can't give it away. It's horrifying. I can't unread it." - Aleesha Says
I am pretty sure this is a goofy story that is not meant to be taken seriously. If anything, it's actually a little reassuring to read a story where the main character is a humanoid of some variety.
Even if said humanoid is a cryptoid.
I just have to say that at least this erotic Kindle eBook is full of hilarious prose that is so over-the-top that you can only imagine the author shaking with laughter as she pumped it out.
Seriously, this story is almost something normal. I think we need something more creative. Something stranger...
I'm Gay for My Living Billionaire Jet Plane by Chuck Tingle
"Everything about the way I see the world has changed thanks to Chuck Tingle." - Janice Erlbaum
Chuck Tingle may very well be the king of weird erotic novels. I mean, to be fair, his writing is never going to be nominated for any awards, but--
Wait, Tingle was nominated for a Hugo Award? And then wrote an erotic novel about his Hugo Award? Holy shit.
Anyway, let's be clear. This is a story about a man who wants to fuck a plane... that apparently is also a successful business man. Because if T-Rexes can hold law firms, then you can believe a plane can run a business.
In all fairness, though, perhaps this is a metaphor for our own overdependence on technology, in that we derive so much use from our tools that our tools really ought to be earning a living wage. In fact, it could be argued with the advent of digitalization, that soon any computer, be it an on-board auto-pilot or the programming of an e-cigarette, can fight for their human rights.
Or Chuck Tingle doesn't give a shit, and has a blast making money not giving a shit. One of the two.
My Woolly Mammoth Boyfriend (Mini Extinct Beast Erotica) by Whitney Fox
*Crickets chirping* - No one
Apparently, the heterosexual extinct mammal crowd lacks the passion of the homoerotic dino crowd, but this short story is ranked higher in its Kindle category than many self-published MFA Masters Thesis assignments, so that makes it worth discussing.
This is the story of a girl who, after losing faith in love, finds acceptance and hardcore sex in the furry embrace of a mini-mammoth. That seems like a self-contradictory statement...
The mini-mammoth may not appear to be the ideal lover for a human lover, but wait until you see its trunk-and I'm talking about both the caboose and the giant snout the mammoth uses to bring dirty food off the ground into its mouth.
Let's be honest, though. If Discovery Channel has taught me anything, it's that the mammoth used its trunk to blow very loud mating calls that sounded slightly like an off-key French Horn. This is one erotic Kindle eBook you need in your collection. Or, you know, avoid at all costs because this kind of stuff is a little insane.
Dominated by Dolphins: A BBW Dolphin Shifter Menage by Olivia J Rose
"Clearly I do expect too much" - D Urrey
You ever hear of Search Engine Optimization? It's a process where, by including a lot of key words, you can push your material higher up in search engine rankings, thus allowing more people to access your work.
This title is the erotic Kindle eBook equivalent of that.
So we got shifters - which are people who turn into animals. Cool. So... dolphins? Okay. I guess if you want to be seduced by an animal, why not make it an intelligent creature of near-human intelligence?
BBW? Well... dolphins need blubber, so it would make sense that the human form would be heftier... I guess...
BDSM? Oh. Uh. 50 Shades is popular, I guess?
Who am I kidding? This is ridiculous. BDSM dolphin-shifter BBWs? BDSM Dolphin-shifter BBWs? What the hell were they thinking?
Honestly, this work feels cynical. It feels like it was written by someone who was hoping to cash in on the strange erotic crowd, threw together a bunch of random ideas, and now just hoped that the kinky would gather to this work because it had everything.
In my travels through Erotic Kindle Land, have I developed... standards? Tiers of acceptance and understanding for this frontier of weird bestiality and erotic lightning shocks? I miss the days of Chuck Tingle. Oh, how long ago it seemed that he was showing me T-Rex boning and Mile High Club meetings with an airplane.
Unicorn: Horn of Desire by Cecelia Chase
"meh" - Julie Barnes
I would like to point out that this is part one of a five part series. About bareback mounting unicorns. And no saddle is required.
Yawn. I feel oddly underwhelmed by the promise of unicorn sex by this point. What does that say about this project that a five-part novella series about unicorns having sex almost doesn't phase me? And, honestly, it probably isn't phasing you.
Isn't... doesn't that concern you? Have we gone too far? Is this... is this a new low for us?
What have we become?
Taken by My Tentacle Boss (Alien Monster Tentacle Erotica) by Claire Scott
Never did I think the day would come where alien tentacle erotica sounds... vanilla. Nevertheless, this erotic Kindle eBook is in the Top 100 horror erotica stories, so it must be successful.
Even if no one reviewed it--I'm starting to regret the thing where I tried to put goofy comments from the reviews throughout these entries.
The plot is straight-up 50 Shades of Gray material. Our virginal heroine meets her boss, who happens to be into weird things. However, unlike Grey, who is a straight-up abusive monster, our heroine's boss... is a monster.
Surprisingly, this novel draws from a historical precedent of tentacle porn. It is has a long history, dating back to the classic Japanese woodcarving "The Dream of the Fisherman's Wife," before becoming more mainstream following the anime Legend of the Overfiend. Of course, one key thing about both of those is that they were supposed to be horrifying and grotesque.
Not sexy. Not erotic. Tentacles? Are you guys serious? I worry about you guys. I really do. Are you alright? I mean, really alright? Have you gone outside today? Petted a dog?
...no, actually, on that note, maybe that isn't a good idea. I don't trust you guys around animals of any kind.
Living Inside My Own Butt For Eight Years, Starting a Business and Turning a Profit Through Common Sense Reinvestment and Strategic Targeted Marketing by Chuck Tingle
"Read the first few pages and no ass pounding. Wtf Tingle? We want ass pounding." - JS
It would appear that the title may be semi-autographical for Mr Tingle, as the only way he could have created this masterpiece is if he pulled it all out of his ass.
Thank you, Chuck Tingle. Thank you.
This is the story of a man who creates a successful vineyard inside of his ass. Please, don't ask how or why. Questioning this book's logic is an exercise in madness. He and his business partner use his ass to create wine, thus showing that even shit can turn into gold if you take the amount of drugs that Tingle clearly needed to write this story... or post silly erotic eBooks on Kindle, seeing as how this book is a highly ranked erotic story across all categories.
While it would appear that the book is less focused on offering a strategic approach to start-up businesses incorporating organic farming, it does offer intimate ass-play that will leave you questioning your life choices leading up to the purchase of this erotic novella that basically sums up the whole point in the title.