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Spice Up Your Sex Life with a Spreadsheet?

Use the technology that's already there.

Photo by Ayo Ogunseinde on Unsplash

A good friend asked me, confidentially, some of the sex acts I performed with my ex-wife. I started listing them and she was taken aback by the number of scenarios we had performed.

“Boy, you’ve had lots of sex with her,” she said. 

I explained it over the course of many years. “Still, I bet you had more sex in one year than I had with my husband for the whole time!”

Well, I didn’t know how much sex they had.

“What’s the wildest thing you did with your ex,” She asked. 

 I had to think about that. We had sex on our second floor balcony once. Naturally, we video recorded our sex once in a while. We never did a threesome. We had anal sex three times. Then it dawned on me.

“We were coming home from downtown Boston on New Year’s Eve. We took a cab home since we had been drinking. We planned it that way. We had sex in the back seat while the driver drove us down Beacon Street down to Cleveland Circle.”

“Wasn’t it cramped?” She asked.

“No. She straddled me and rode my cock,” I said.

“Didn’t the driver see you?”

“I’m sure he did. In fact, I bet he had a better view than me. The next day, she said she couldn’t believe she did that.”

It took her a while to say anything after that. I guess she was imagining what it would be like to have a stranger watch you have sex. Or did any other driver see us? Finally, she asked “Did you plan to do that?”

“No. As soon as we left my friend’s apartment, we started making out. We got in the cab and before we got to Kenmore Square, she was giving me a blowjob. Before we got to Brookline she was fucking me. Ever do anything like that?”

She shook her head. Her eyes had widened. “Oh no. Do you still have any fantasies that you haven’t done?”

Good question, I thought. “Well, it’s been a long time since I was in a threesome. I’d like to do that again.”

“Again?”

“Yeah, before I got married, I was in two threesomes. Two women and me each time.”

She was quiet again. “Have you done any bondage stuff?”

“We used to wear skin tight latex suits. No just kidding. When we first got married, we tried light bondage a few times. I’d tie her to the bed or she’d tie me to the bed. When I suggested I use a gag and blindfold on her, she told me ‘no.’ I was fine with that. I don’t think it’s fun to restrict your lover. I’d rather she be free to act. Bondage is not my thing.” I thought about it some more.

“We did all sorts of things. I’d warm up some scented oil and we’d spread it all over each other. Slipping and sliding all over each other was fun. Once she gave me a blowjob in the back of a limousine. We did anilingus regularly.”

“Anilingus? What’s that,” she asked. I explained. Once again, her eyes went wide.

“What haven’t you done that you’d still like to do?”

Another good question, I thought. “I had fantasies where I shared my ex with another man but I don’t think I could ever go through with something like that. I’m too jealous.”

“Wow. So you have some limits.” She exclaimed.

“Sure,” I said. “Like I won’t have sex with a man either.”

“How many women have you had sex with,” She asked.

“Around 50.”

“50! How do you know for sure?”

“I was bored at work one day. It was slow. I made a spreadsheet.”

“A spreadsheet of women you had sex with?”

“Well, yeah. It had names. If I couldn’t remember their names, I described them a little. Maybe I used a location to trigger the memory. No dates. I just wanted to get a count of unique women. You know, no duplicates.”

“I still can’t get over that you used a spreadsheet.”

“I used a spreadsheet for sex games with my wife.”

“What? How?”

“It was simple spreadsheet. A column of scenarios and two columns for roles if it was role playing. One column for her, one column for me. For example, there might be a row that says 'patient and sexy doctor or nurse,' the second column might say ‘wife is patient’ and the third column would say ‘husband is sexy doctor.’ Then I would create another row with the same scenario and the second column would say ‘wife is sexy doctor or nurse’ and the third column would say ‘husband is patient.’ I could create two more rows where the scenario was reversed and copy the roles.”

“So instead of the doctor or nurse is sexy, the patient was sexy?”

“Exactly. I created a spreadsheet with multiple scenarios and multiple roles. I printed out the spreadsheet and cut each row out. I folded them up and put them in an envelope. Once in a while, we’d get the envelope and pull one. Then we’d act out whatever was pulled.”

“Was it just for role playing?”

“Mostly. If we wanted a particular sex act, we’d just do that. We didn’t need a spreadsheet for that. But I put some scenarios that didn’t have roles like sex in the back yard or maybe a request for a particular piece of lingerie.”

“You didn’t have to use a spreadsheet.”

“True, but there’s an element of suspense. What’s it going to be? And using a spreadsheet is easier than writing it out. Besides, if you have the software, why not use it? You can use Microsoft Excel, Google Sheets or Microsoft Word.”

I showed her.

Using Microsoft Word, I click on the Insert tab, then I click on Table. I then click on the table layout and I select three columns and the maximum is eight, although I can always add more. Microsoft Word inserts a three by eight table, meaning three columns and eight rows. Each column is equal length. I adjust the width of the columns by hovering over the separating lines with the mouse until I see double lines. I then hold down the left mouse button. This allows me to move the mouse to the left or right, changing the width of the columns. I like the first column to be wider since that is for the scenario description. You could use the first row for headers but that’s pointless since you are going to cut rows anyway. To add more rows, put you cursor to the right of the last row and press enter. A blank row will be added to the table.

You can buy adult games in a store or online, but I always liked my spreadsheet since I could customize it and add things we particularly enjoyed.

So what’s on your spreadsheet?

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