Soldier

I think first I should apologize. You are, or maybe were, a wonderful man. I’m not just saying that. If you were here, I wouldn’t be doing this right now. You have to understand what this is like for him. I could see it in him when he fucked me the first time, when he came to my room in the dark. By the look in his eyes, I would have thought he was killing you himself. It was like knocking on my door when you’d been missing for three months was the same as slitting your veins open himself.

I’m going to put this in a bottle and launch it out into space. Stupid, right? There’s literally no way it will ever find you. But, I dunno, maybe I feel kind of guilty too. I knew he missed you. I knew that I was just a replacement.

That was only at first, though. It’s different now. I could always tell he was relearning a way around a woman’s body after being with you for so long, but it was never about the fact that I was a woman. I want you to know that. Does that make sense? I mean, he wasn’t with me because the fact that I was a woman somehow made it easier to be with me than with you. I hope you aren’t the kind of asshole who thinks that it somehow “doesn’t count” because I’m a woman and therefore simply a toy or plaything.

Anyway, I’m more than just a replacement by now. Sure, at first I was just comfort and companionship and maybe even just a warm body, but he and I are both the kind of people who start to feel something after a while. With us, it’s not like it was with you two. He loved you first and made love to you second. He fucked me first and then realized he might like me as more than a friend. I don’t think he ever would have let you go if I hadn’t been there. Once he realized that there are other people out there in this world to love, he was more willing to let you go.

Do you want to know what happened? Do you want to know what he did, after you disappeared on that mission six months ago?

He knocked on the door to my room, late at night. All the lights in the ship had been off for a while. I asked him later how he was able to move around so well in the complete darkness. Apparently he’d been spending most nights since you left just pacing the halls without sleeping. He’d practically memorized the whole spaceship. I asked who was there, and once I heard his name I knew what it was. He had been talking to me some about how he felt since your disappearance, and a trust was growing between us. Now that trust had finally grown deep enough for him to seek this most intimate of things. I turned the lights on as dim as possible. I opened the door for him in the dark, saw that look in his eyes I mentioned, and pulled him into my arms. He let me embrace him for so long that I actually thought for a brief moment that maybe that was all he had come for in the first place.

But then he leaned down to kiss my neck. He was so hesitant about it. He was so used to your body, your hardness and your height. He was so gentle with me at first, nervous about my softness. I had to put my hands on his shoulders and push him away, just enough to speak into the space between us.

“I’m a soldier, too.” I told him. “Give everything to me.”

I could tell that broke him. Do you get it? He’d put me up on this pedestal because somehow that made it okay. If I was some delicate, soft, woman he could shove me off to a corner because I wasn’t like you. You wouldn’t break up with someone because they hugged a child or kissed a puppy. He wouldn’t be betraying you if it was just some forgettable soft pussy he was hooking up with.

But that’s not what I am. I am me.

So he kissed my lips with more hardness and enthusiasm. He pushed me back onto the bed and we were rubbing against each other and biting at each other. He was angry. He probably still is angry. He was mad that you’d agreed to go on a mission without him, that he’d been distracted before you left and only said “I love you” as a reflexive response before you climbed in your ship and flew away. You weren’t there so he had to settle with shoving his body up against mine and growling into my collarbones like the force of his arousal might somehow bleed the message through to you.

He marveled at how sensitive my nipples are. It’s funny what I could learn about you from how he responded to me. It felt like he spent hours sucking and licking at the buds, breathing warm breaths against them until I was practically nothing under him. I’d never been submissive like that before, and while I’d enjoyed it for a while I was ready for a change. I snarled and rolled him over. I practically ripped his clothes off and kissed all over the smooth muscles of his abdomen. I remember squeezing my eyes shut as arousal pounded in my pussy and I sucked his dick into my mouth. It kind of felt like sleeping in someone else’s bed. Actually, it felt like raiding someone else’s fridge and enjoying all the food they were planning to have when they get home.

It felt wrong for both of us even though it wasn’t. I didn’t like the idea that I was stealing from you. But I knew then and I know now that you’re probably dead. You’re never coming back. So I swallowed up his dick like one of those holiday candy sticks and sucked him until my lips were the only ones he was thinking about.

I liked how he stuck his fingers inside me first, once I was straddling his lap. But I knew what he was doing and the old pattern he was following. He wasn’t really thinking about it actively, I could tell; his green eyes shut as he simply stuck with what he knew. It still felt weird. In retrospect I wish I’d turned more lights on. Maybe I could have used the “candle flame” setting on the bedside light that I had never bothered with before. We’ve used it many times since then and I like seeing how it makes his dark skin glow. At the time I was worried that it might wake him up from something.

He groaned when he slipped inside of me. Yes, yes, don’t worry. We used a condom. I know what you’re thinking. But I’m not stupid. Space pregnancies aren’t exactly a good idea. They aren’t good for anyone. I’m also not about to risk my life as a soldier to shuttle myself back to earth for an abortion. So, we’re about as careful as we can be.

I was shocked by the intensity with which he thrusted up into me. I should have figured out by then that my previous ideas of him always being on the receiving end were incorrect, but his vigor and clear expertise still shocked my eyes wide. I can honestly say I’ve never been fucked like that before. Is it weird that I feel like we share some sort of bond that nobody else can ever really experience? Maybe it’s stupid. Did he hook his arms under your legs and pull them wide, like he did to me? Did he nibble your neck and then lick apologies over it like he did to mine? Did he bury his face against your temple as he came, as he did against mine?

It was awkward, telling him what to do after to make me come. I brought his hand down between my legs and showed him where to move his fingers to give pleasure to me. He watched me like he’d never seen anything like it. His own body was relaxed now that I’d taken his tension through pleasure, but his eyes were bright and intense as he watched me. Once I showed him how to tease my clit just right it was like I opened the gates to freakin’ Valhalla. He was a quick learner. He turned out to be very good with his hands, and before I knew it I was coming just from his touch, gasping and mewling into the semi-darkness of our room.

There’s been so many times since then. As I type this he’s sleeping besides me in our bed. Sometimes I still wake up and panic when I see him here, wondering how this could have happened, before my brain fully returns to me. I spent too many years seeing you two together, the rocks that held our fleet together. To me, he’ll always be yours.