Signs Your Partner May Be Asexual

At one point in my life, I have dated an asexual. For the sake of this article, we're going to call him Mack.

Mack and I had met shortly after a breakup with my ex. I was feeling desperate for attention, and Mack admitted that he felt sorry for me. He asked if I just needed a date to get back on my feet, and in a moment of shocking honesty, I said yes.

"Just giving you a heads up, I'm asexual and we're not having sex," he said.

I didn't care, but I was curious. Though I have met hundreds of people out there, he was legitimately the first asexual I've ever met. I wondered what it meant, how he knew he was asexual. Being curious, I asked him what it meant.

"Sex just has no appeal to me," he explained. "I can have sex, it feels okay, but it's just really not something I crave. I don't see sex in the same way as others do."

We went out for a date and cuddled. We also had fun insulting each other, and just ended up cracking up and laughing at each other. But, there was no spark. However, it wasn't sex that I was looking for; it was intimacy and care, and Mack provided that in droves when others could only provide sex.

Mack could make another person very happy, as long as she was asexual. He does want a relationship, but he realizes that sexual people need sex if they're going to be happy in a long term relationship. So, he doesn't lie to anyone, which is why we never ended up being a long term item.

One thing Mack told me was that asexuals will lie about their sexuality to get a relationship—even if it ends up in a breakup. There are plenty of asexuals that are in relationships with partners that want sex but aren't getting what they want.

Worried that your partner is one of them? Take a look for the following signs your partner may be asexual, and see if anything sounds familiar.

They say that they have a very low libido.

Most asexuals either do not realize that asexuality is a form of sexuality, or just don't believe they're asexual. More often than not, they'll often just say something along the lines of them being a "very low libido person," or that they're "just not really that sexual."

If you have heard your partner say that they aren't very sexual, we got news for you. Hearing that is one of biggest signs your partner may be asexual. If you hear this and want a sexual relationship, there's a good chance that you will never get that, or be able to continue to get that after a certain time.

It's up to you to decide whether you want to date an asexual, but that doesn't mean you should delude yourself. Asexuality isn't something you can change.

They come up with excuses not to have sex, or get snippy when you ask for sex.

Though this could be a sign of something else, such as infidelity or a loss of interest in you, we'd be lying if we didn't say these aren't signs your partner may be asexual. Asexuals do not really want to have sex, and often will have a "neutral at best" stance on the deed.

In many cases, asexuals view sex with anyone as a chore. They might find it to be somewhat boring or just a waste of time. As a result, they often will get annoyed when they get asked for sex.

They love holding hands and hugging, but aren't sexual with you.

Asexuals can like physical contact. Mack ended up being really happy to give hugs and cuddles. Most of the time, he just liked "observing me" when I was dancing.

Every asexual tends to have their own "personal limit" as to how much contact they want to have. From what I've heard, many asexuals will draw the line at kissing, but some are just cool with looking at you. That's how many asexuals show affection—much like how sexual people may show affection to their partners via sex.

As a result, one of the more noticeable signs your partner may be asexual is if they tend to be very affectionate but not sexual with you. In a dead bedroom that's caused by contempt, infidelity, or some other breakdown of love, there won't be affection of any sort.

They might not pick up on sexual innuendos.

One of the subtler signs your partner may be asexual deals with how they react to sex jokes or sex innuendos. Most sexual people will react to innuendos by picking up on the double-entendre immediately, especially if it's being said by a flirtatious individual.

Asexuals, on the other hand? Well, since they tend not to think in sexual terms, it might go way over their heads. This actually used to happen quite a bit with Mack.

They may ask you if they're "broken," or they may actually feel depressed or guilty about their asexuality.

This sign of asexuality actually broke my heart to learn. I'd say it was just my ex, Mack, who had this, but to date, both asexuals I've met had this issue. Because of how society treats sexuality, aces often become deeply depressed. They may even worry that they are not dateable or lovable because they don't want sex.

At one point, Mack asked if there was something wrong with him for being unable to be attracted to women or men. Later on, another asexual I became close friends with had texted me asking if "anyone could love someone who hates sex."

If you notice that your partner struggles with the feeling that they need to force themselves to have sex to keep a partner, then there's a good chance that you're also seeing other signs your partner may be asexual on this list.

They ask, "Why does everything have to deal with sex?"

My other asexual friend, Carl, would regularly ask me this. It was, to a point, a sore spot for him. People would tell him he's "weird for not wanting sex," even at the place where he worked.

Unlike Mack, who was just very neutral about sex, Carl's sexuality oscillated between disdain and desire (without a need to act on it). Even so, he identified as demisexual—a form of asexuality.

Generally speaking, a lot of asexuals just don't see the big hullaballoo about sex. They don't get why it's a theme in life that people get obsessed with. Since it's not really that interesting to them, they often will ask this among friends.

Some will also use this as a way to try to avoid sex with partners, making it one of the more reliable signs your partner is asexual or just really disinterested in sex with you.

They insist on taking things unusually slow.

This isn't always one of the signs your partner may be asexual, as some people legitimately can't handle taking things at today's pace. Some people really do believe that they shouldn't have sex until marriage, and others really do get nervous just talking to the opposite sex.

However, I'd be lying if I said that a lot of asexuals didn't try to avoid sex with a romantic partner through similar means. Mack actually admitted to me that he used to do similar when he was struggling with his asexuality. Carl also said the same thing.

It makes sense, if you think about it. If sex was so unpleasant to you, wouldn't you want to make excuses to avoid it? I know I would, and it's heartbreaking that they feel they have to do this just to "be normal."

They don't really seem interested in sex, you know for a fact they aren't cheating, and they don't watch porn.

Most people who are sexual just can't go for too long without getting laid or at least masturbating. While asexuals might masturbate, the fact is that if they are seriously low libido, even masturbation will be a rare act.

If you notice that they don't even get aroused at porn, or if you notice that they really, truly seem to have zero interest in sex, chances are that they are asexual—even if they don't want to admit it. Asexuality isn't something you can easily hide, after all.

There are many signs your partner may be asexual that you might see, but at the end of the day, there's a good chance that you already have an inkling that something's up.

Should this be the case with your partner, please have some empathy when you decide what to do with the relationship. It's not easy to be asexual, and no, it's not a choice.