Sexual Insecurity

You meet someone new and it’s fun. They make you laugh and feel confident, happy. For a few weeks, you feel like you’re on the top of the world and you never want to get down. But then… they mention it.

The three letter word that makes your heart drop. Yep, they mention sex. Which is fine, you’ve been talking for a while and you’re kind of surprised it hasn’t been brought up yet but you’re sexually insecure.

You have had sex before but only a few times with one or two people and what if you’re not that good or you smell weird or they see that extra pound of skin hanging off your stomach… So you avoid the conversation as much as possible when it’s about you two having sex but if you avoid it too long they might lose interest. You don’t want to lose this person, especially not because of that, so you ignore that feeling of insecurity and act like you’re fine with sex when you really wish you could put more clothes on and just lay in bed together.

This feeling you’re having is completely normal but for some—me, it’s 10 times worse. And I know exactly why…

For me, it started in high school. I was dating this girl and when we broke up, she said some things that made me NEVER WANT TO HAVE SEX AGAIN. I’m 20 now and have not let someone get that far since. Don’t get me wrong, I want to have sex but the actual idea of having sex makes me feel awful. I feel ugly, fat, and whoever I have sex with will not be satisfied or will be disgusted with my body.

I hate feeling this way. I shut myself off from relationships because sex is so important to some people and I want to be able to be like that with someone but I can’t without wanting to cry.

But this problem is not the end of the world, you will have sex again because we’re gonna get through this together.

5 Ways You And Your Partner Can Help Your Sexual Insecurity

1. Communicate!

Simply telling them about this can help them make you feel more confident.

If you’re dating someone who’s sexually insecure, remind them during sex that you’re enjoying it and even after. Reminding them about how sexy they are to you and how great they actually are will help!

2. Do not compare yourself/ your partner.

This is not just about celebrities—exes are in the past and should not be brought up especially not in the conversation about sex! Talking about what your ex did when you two were together is not going to make them want to do it. It will make them feel not enough.

We all have celebrity crushes but if you know your partner is insecure, maybe talking about how hot you think Blake Lively or Ryan Reynolds is isn’t the best idea.

3. Set ground rules.

If you feel very insecure about a certain part of your body, maybe tell your partner so they are aware of it. If you don’t feel confident enough to do a certain position, tell them so that position is only brought up when you’re ready. This one goes hand and hand with #1.

4. Be understanding.

Understand that sometimes your partner will not feel sexy even when you’re constantly telling them how hot they are to you. That we don’t want to feel this way and we wish we could stop being so insecure but what we really need more than some sex, is a partner who gets us and is willing to help.

For the one who’s insecure, understand that sometimes your partner will be upset and it’s hard to understand this problem if you don’t deal with it.

5. Take your time.

This one is for the actual sex. Instead of rushing it, take some time. This way it’s comfortable for everyone in the room. Occasionally ask if they’re okay with what’s happening and if it’s okay to move forward. Communication during sex is wanted and needed.

You will not be cured overnight if you use these tips but it could make your relationship better and maybe even help you push away those insecure thoughts so you can feel more confident when it comes to sex.