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From as far back as I can remember I was told how I should act, what I should wear, what was expected of me, what I needed to provide, and how I should make things right when they go wrong. The pleasure that I feel is not my own, but comes from the pleasure that my partner gets from me. Sit still, look pretty, show a little, but too much because if you do it is your own fault for whatever happens next. The burden of a female can be too much to bare at times. It's hard to navigate your own sexual wants and desires when society has been telling you for years what is okay and what is not. The more people I talk to, the more I find that I am not the only one who has struggled between personal and societal expectations. Do I want the things I want because it's what I like, or is it because that is what has been drilled into my brain for years?
One recent sexual encounter that I had really left me questioning myself and who I am.
I went over to a guy's apartment that I have been seeing for a few weeks. It was nothing serious, very casual. I got there and we started to get a little frisky and I went down on him and spent a solid 10 minutes down there then asked him if he wanted to have sex. He responded with "Babe I'm really tired and have you even shaved?"
I stopped what I was doing and replied with "No, I haven't shaved, and I am tired too, I have had a long and stressful day, that's why I came over."
He responded with "Well if you wanted sex, you should have shaved and said something because I just wanted some head."
I was so taken aback. My wants and needs were nothing to him. My body was just something he wanted to use for his own pleasure however he saw fit. I started to leave and he got angry and asked if I was even going to finish what I started. I said no and he called me a "fucking selfish bitch."
This wasn't the first or even second time that something like this had happened to me. But it still hurt just the same. I started to doubt myself, telling myself that maybe I should have shaved, or told him that I wanted sex before hand, and that it was kind of rude of me to not finish. I started to think about how this was my fault. How I shouldn't have expected him to have sex with me, especially looking the way I did that night. Then a little voice inside my head started to yell at me.
This little voice stopped me in my tracks and asked me why? Why shouldn't I expect someone to want to have sex with me, or even, god forbid, go down on me? The guy I was wanting to sleep with sure expected me to want to. Why is was it so wrong of me to want the same thing? Why did it matter that I hadn't shaved in two weeks? Why is my body hair any concern to him? Why is that a defining factor of my sex appeal? I should not be made to feel ashamed of something that's natural, so why do I? All of these questions swarmed in my brain and really got me thinking.
Why is there such a double standard for sex when it comes to gender? Almost everyone has sex. So why is half the population made to feel like they shouldn't enjoy it as much as the other half?
No one should be made to feel like they do not deserve the same pleasures as anyone else. Females should love and enjoy having sex just as much as their partners do. There is nothing wrong with seeking out pleasure for yourself. I am continually struggling with accepting this as I go through my own sexual journey and I feel that it is important for others to know that they aren't alone. It is okay to be vocal about what you want and what you like. Sex is suppose to be enjoyed by both parties. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.