Sex After Assault

**the following contains trigger warnings for: sexual assault & rape**

I'm very scared to write this article because I'm not sure how it will be received. It has a very serious tone. I feel like the following is something we need to talk about because I haven't heard anyone else talking about it. I'm not sure how many of you will relate to it - part of me hopes that it's none of you, part of me hopes I'm not alone.

When I was 17 I was raped by one of my older friends. Without going into too much detail; it was rough, definitely forced, and I didn't want it. It took me 7 months to tell anyone about it and even now when I talk about my experience my voice shakes like the ground at the epicenter of an earthquake. It been over 2 years. Despite all this fear, all this trauma that I carry with me, I find myself craving it.

Please hear me out before you jump to a conclusion.

When I have sexual fantasies - which we all do - my partner is often forcing me to do things. This confuses me a lot because what happened to me is awful and I still find myself suddenly awake at night having to remind myself that I am in my room and safe. Yet, despite this, I am turned on by the thought of someone doing it to me again.

Even when I do have consensual sex, sometimes I have awful flashbacks that result in me crying and my partner feeling horrible for a crime they did not commit. So how on earth would I react if I was forced once more to engage in non-consensual sex?

It's almost like I am in two minds. My first persona is heavily scarred, shaking at the mere thought of another person touching me. It's walking down a busy street hoping that no one accidentally bumps into me. It's waking up in the middle of the night and focusing all my energy into not screaming so I don't wake up my flatmates. And then there's my second mind. The one that wants someone to pin me down and make me pleasure them.

Despite everything, my body aches for someone to be rough with me. Is this natural? Is this a normal human instinct? Is this my mind trying to come to terms with what happened to me by trying to seek pleasure out of similar events?

I am no psychiatrist, I can't tell you why my mind works this way. I can't explain it. And I feel like I need to tell you that the purpose of this article is not to give you advice - God knows I can't fathom what's going on in my own mind enough to even give advice to myself. The purpose of this article is to start the conversation that is long overdue. It's to let you know that if you can relate to my words then you are not alone. It's to start asking questions. It's to help us heal and have a better understanding of ourselves. Maybe one day someone will be able to provide the answer and we will be openly willing to discuss this sort of thing.

Most importantly though, it's to get you talking. Don't feel like you need to hide what you are feeling because it will somehow illigitimise your trauma. I want you to read this article and think "thank god someone understands".

You are not alone and I cannot stress that enough because I know how it feels.

You are not broken. Trust me.