Secret to Fantasizing

Fantasy. People write books on it. They hold endless discussion about it. Everyone does it. It can increase our pleasure, encourage our passions, relax us, and give us greater control over our bodies and minds.

Unfortunately, few of us use it to its fullest potential. We often don't realize that fantasy is a tool with which to increase our enjoyment of sex and life in general. Like any other tool, we can train ourselves to use it effectively.

When your mind is blocked with negative thoughts and your body is tense with anxiety, you're obviously unable to enjoy sex and love. Tension is the great enemy of physical pleasure, and fantasy can help you control it. Biofeedback, the science of mental control over physiology, is really just another form of fantasy. Through biofeedback, people have raised their blood pressure and temperature at will. Others have changed their brain waves and slowed or sped up their pulses. All of it has been done by imagining that the desired physical state is already in effect. They've trained their minds to "tell" their bodies what to do.

Exercises for Better Fantasies

Try an exercise which I use extensively in training patients to learn to relax. In my book, Be Your Own Sex Therapist, I suggest that you tape it first so that you can listen to it and experience it fully. Place yourself in a relaxed position. Do not cross your arms or legs. Close your eyes as you listen to the following instructions:

• I would like you to imagine that there is a tube going down your body from behind your nose, down past your mouth, throat, chest, and stomach—all the way down to your genital area. Picture this tube as clearly as you can in your mind's eye.
• We are going to imagine that we can bring air down this tube, completely clearing it, making our breathing calmer and easier.
• Begin now. Bring air in through your nostrils, down to the point in the tube just behind your nose.
• Try to see the air as it comes down the tube.
• Imagine the air swirling around inside the tube behind your nose.
• Watch the color of the air as it goes in. Watch the color of the air as it goes out.
• Bring the air in through your nostrils, all the way down to behind your mouth.
• Watch the air circle around inside, swirling around.
• Let it out. Watch the color as it comes out.
• Bring the air down again, this time all the way down to your throat.
• Feel the ease with which it comes into your body, relaxing and energizing you. Air is energy.
• Breathing properly is life-giving energy.
• Allow the air to swirl around inside the tube from the top of your nose to your throat.
• Let it out slowly and gradually. Now bring the air down as far as your chest, between your breasts.
• Allow the air to swirl down the tube, watching it as it goes down, relaxing and easing you.
• Let it out slowly and easily. Watch the color as it comes out of your nostrils.
• This time, bring the air down to your belly button.
• Watch it flow down from the top of your nose to your belly button.
• Become aware of any tightness the air may be experiencing inside the tube. Allow the air to loosen any tightness.
• Allow it to come down smoothly and gradually.
• Let it out. Watch the air as it leaves your body.
• Does the color change as it comes in and as it leaves?
• Watch the air inside the tube in your mind's eye.
• Bring the air down to your belly button again.
• Watch it ease its way down.
• Let it out, watching the color of the air.
• Become aware of any images you may be viewing in your mind's eye.
• Don't follow the images or think about them. Merely become aware of them.
• Bring the air in again, this time all the way down to the genital area.
• Let it swirl around the base of the tube, relaxing your genital area.
• Let it out slowly and gradually. Watch the color as it comes out. Repeat this again. Bring the air down, slowly and easily, all the way down, past your nose, your mouth, your throat, your chest, your belly button, all the way to the genital area.
• Watch the air swirling upward as it leaves your body.
• Watch the color. Become aware of any color changes.
• Watch yourself and become aware of how you are feeling now. Without opening your eyes, when you are ready, open your eyes. Lie still, being aware of how quiet your body and mind feel. Become aware of your feelings. Stay quietly with these feelings.

This exercise is designed not only to relax you and help you become aware of your sensations. It is also an experience in image making. By training your mind's eye to make images, you'll make your fantasies more concrete. The following is another exercise which I often use to teach control of negative thoughts and tensions. Again, please tape it so that you can listen to it and use it most effectively:

• Imagine that you are sitting on a mountain top. The grass is very green beneath you. You touch the velvety grass. Green is the color of nurturance. Let the green of the grass come into your body. Let it enter through your fingers as you touch the green grass. Feel it swirl into you, relax you, nurture you.
• Feel the warmth of the sun on you. Feel it on your face, on your shoulders, your legs, your arms. Allow the strength of the sun to come into you. Let the yellow sun, the strength of yellow, the warmth of yellow come into your mind. Let it clear your thoughts. Let it warm you and give you strength.
• See the blue of the sky above you. Let the blue of calmness, of peace, swirl around you. Let it come into you. Let it enter through your nose as you breathe it in. Bring the blue air down through your body, breathing deeply and slowly. The blue of the sky quiets you. Let it be within you.
• Sit quietly on the mountain top. See the beauty of the world around you, the tranquility. Feel the calming blue.
• Use these fantasies to clear your mind. Whenever your brain is boggled, begin to fantasize. See the blue of the sky, the white caps on the waves of the ocean, a child at play, the exaltation of running through the woods in the warm sun. Clear the negative electricity in your brain by replacing it with scenes of joy and beauty. Fantasy works.

Fantasies and Sex

As I mentioned, fantasy is also a fabulous aid in our sexual lives.

Paul W. is lying in bed. He calls out, "Nurse, nurse, please come in to me for a minute."

"Now, now stop bothering me, you'll wake the other patients. It's very late at night," Susan says, patting him on the shoulder.

"But, please, just sit with me for awhile," he pleads as his hand begins moving up her leg inside her thigh, his fingers caressing between her thighs.

Susan puts her hand on top of his, holding it as his fingers continue to explore. "You know you're not allowed to touch the nurses, Paul. You'll get me in trouble."

"Please, just lie next to me," he asks. He pulls her towards him. Her breast falls from her bathrobe and her mouth seeks his as she is drawn to his side.

Obviously these people aren't really patient and nurse. Obviously also, they are two people really into what they are doing and enjoying it. They are becoming excited, interested in each other and in fulfilling the fantasy of "patient making it with nurse."

Paul and Susan have been married for over 20 years. They came to me for marriage counseling in order to improve their sex lives. They had become bored with each other and the excitement had gone out of their relationship.

Fantasy has stimulated them, encouraged them, and sustained their feelings for each other for over two years now. There are many couples whom I have trained to use these same techniques who've been successful. They use fantasy fully and satisfactorily. By using fantasy for sexual turn-ons as well as for relaxation, we make full utilization of this tool. Consider the case of Richard and Jane, two friends of mine who’ve been married for seven years.

They shower together. Then, lying nude, they stroke each other's bodies slowly, tenderly. Richard plays a tape of one of their favorite relaxation-fantasies:

"You are riding on a white cloud. The cloud is very soft. You sink deeply into the cloud and your bodies are surrounded by the softness, the silkiness of the cloud. The sky is very blue above you. You watch it floating by. The sun is warm on your bodies. You feel filled with warmth and pleasure."

Along with the fantasy, the tape includes soothing background music. Soon both Richard and Jane feel very relaxed... almost as though they're floating.

Sometimes they switch into another fantasy, one which makes their lovemaking exciting and passionate.

"All right, Jane," Richard snaps arrogantly. "You’ve got just thirty minutes to fuck me! You know I have to satisfy all the girls. You didn't make much money this week, and I’m not too happy with you! You better do a really good job to make up for it!"

The pair continue with the pimp/hooker theme. Often Jane does to Richard what she "did to her johns," describing it as she goes. This sends both of them through the ceiling. Jane confessed to me, "I keep coming up with new things to do to keep it interesting. I didn't know I could be so creative."

Sometimes they reverse the scenario. Richard does to Jane what he did to "the other girls in my stable," and provides his wife with a running color commentary.

You may feel silly or embarrassed by some of the fantasies which come into your mind. You may even think them kinky or crazy. But share them. Don't deprive yourself of the pleasure of discussing your fantasies and, if possible, acting them out. Remember how it was when you were a kid, rolling down hills and running into the wind? You're still entitled to be as wildly excited as you were then. Do it!

As Peter is thrusting he begins to fantasize. Rather than repress the fantasy or remain silent, he shares it with Lorraine.

"I wish there was a tongue on my cock. I wish that each time I enter you, the tongue licks at your clitoris. I slide in, your clit is being sucked. I slide out, the tongue licks along your delicious lips. I slide in, your clit rubs against my cock as the tongue sucks on it again and again. It's a long, wet tongue with lips on the end of it. It's hot and loves to suck as I slide in and out of you. It winds itself around your pussy and laps at your clit. All the while I'm pounding into you and into you and into you."

Peter gets off in a frenzy of passion. Lorraine has had multiple orgasms all the while Peter was sharing the fantasy with her.

Peter enjoyed his fantasy more by verbalizing it. Of course, Lorraine was able to share in his pleasure only because he was willing to tell it to her. Verbalizing your fantasies as Peter did is another way to use them as effectively as possible.

By using fantasy, you remain creative and involved. You increase the joy and fun of lovemaking. You ward off boredom, routine, or habitual lovemaking. You are constantly challenged to change, to evolve, to pleasure yourselves more and more.

Try some of these exercises to further improve your fantasizing skills:

1. Imagine that you smell something—until you actually smell it!
2. Imagine a sound. Keep imagining until you hear it.
3. Imagine something you can touch. Try it until you can actually feel it at your fingertips.
4. Do the same with taste and sight.

Now that your skills are sharpened, you're ready for something a little more complex:

1. Get together with your partner and create a fantasy-scenario. Then act it out.
2. In your mind's eye, watch yourself make love. See it happen. Feel yourself feeling it. Now go over the whole thing again. This time, change whatever you like. How have you made it better? Can you act this one out?
3. Create a fantasy, and arouse yourself as much as possible. Make your fantasy-image especially exciting, something you've always wanted to do, but may have been afraid even to think about. Get yourself really hot!

Here are some favorite storylines which you can adapt for your own fantasy library:

1. "Disciplinarian"—One partner acts as the disciplinarian, telling the other what to do. ''If you're good, I'll let you do that. Ah-ah-ah! Now you'll have to be punished," etc.
2. "Call Girl or Male Prostitute"—"Okay, put the $50 on the dresser. Now, what do you want? Just tell me, honey. Blowjob? Straight fuck? Sixty-nine is $15 extra.
3. "Entertainers"—Imagine that you're balling as a show-biz production. Feel the klieg lights. Look at the audience. Maybe you've really hit the big time... half-time at the SuperBowl, with 80,000 fans and 30 million people watching you over CBS! This one can be spun out endlessly, what with dress rehearsals, previews, and the final thrill of opening night. Afterwards, stay up late, open a champagne bottle, and wait for the reviews.
4. "Teasers"—A classic. You simply play that one of you doesn't want to. Taunt, tantalize, touch, rub, lick, suck, push away... Finally, one partner may want to "rape" the other.
5. "Acting"—Write a script. Literally write it, with dialogue, stage directions, and costumes where indicated. Xerox it, give a copy to each "performer," and go into rehearsals. Keep at it until everyone has it right. In order not to get too bored with one script, you might want to write continuity for a soap-opera... with five different "episodes" a week.

A side-benefit of fantasy is that the more often you fantasize and let yourself go, the less frequently you'll be troubled by headaches, momentary twinges, minor back pains, and other irritations that are so often psychosomatic in origin. You'll be less tired. You'll feel more vital... more alive.

You'll also be more successful in your personal (and not just sexual) relationships. You'll gain insight as you get used to "experiencing" situations before they actually occur. Once you've played out all the possible permutations in your mind, you'll find yourself picking and choosing from options you were never aware of before!

Finally, your sex life will open up and become as hot, dirty, exciting, and fulfilling as possible.

Remember that your brain isn't just the world's most complex, highly developed computer. It's also the most sensuous organ in your body. You are a creative, imaginative person. Use your talents. Fantasize.

Recommended Reading

The fantasies discussed here only touch the surface of those that couples across the globe use to enhance their sex lives. Whether you're looking for ideas to inspire your own fantasies or simply want to educate yourself on fantasizing, you can read an array of fantasies from sexually liberated women in My Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies.

Nancy Friday's My Secret Garden made waves when it was first released. With responses torn between outrage and exhilaration, the book was considered simultaneously liberating and pornographic. As attitudes became more open about sexuality, My Secret Garden became a classic study of female sexuality.