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I’m one of those girls that has absolutely no problem admitting she likes being choked during sex. Actually, I don’t need to admit it, because there are close to 500 movies of me, on pretty much every porn website known to man, that proves my point. Rough sex, and in particular rough sex in porn, gets a bad name. It is the kind of thing that those who don’t like or understand it believe it is abusive, destructive and non-concensual. The problem with the kind of black eye and nose bleed sex that I (and so many others) enjoy, is that it can be those things if its not done correctly. So here is your guide to rough and tumble love, from deep in the vaults of my sexually devious brain.
No means No
Pretty straight forward, she said ‘no’ so don’t keep trying. I have been in a situation where I have said ‘no' before, when I was in my late teens, and the guy would not take no for an answer. Feeling that kind of pressure coming down on you, especially as a young girl, is tremendously nerve racking. A lot of times guys might think they are owed sex. You’re not. No one is ever owed sex.
But say she does want to get down and dirty with you. You have her in bed next to you and things are getting hot and heavy. You lightly slap her on the cheek and she looks upset or outraged, or pushes your hand away. That means stop, don’t continue, she’s not into that. For me, the first time should really not be that crazy. Unless you have endlessly discussed it before hand and know what you’re both into and expecting. To dive straight in and assume she wants to be choked out and spat on is getting ahead of the game. That kind of sex needs a level of trust and understanding, which brings me swiftly to my next point.
Trust In Me
Trust is THE most important thing when it comes to any kind of sex, in my opinion. I’ve never had a one night stand and everyone I’ve ever worked with on camera has been someone I’ve chosen. With very few exceptions. One of the problems I came across when shooting was that male performers or directors had seen my work and knew how rough it was. They assumed that level of intensity was what they were going to get. Although I stand by the phrase ‘Porn sex is not real’ the trust and connection between performers is. We are, after all, having sex. It is the most intimate thing two people can do. I don’t have emotional attachments to my co-workers but I need to trust them enough to know that when they choke me they are going to know when to let go, and when they put a pillow over my face they know just how hard to hold down so I don’t die. The same goes for partners off screen. My boyfriend could pretty much suggest anything and I’d be like ‘OK if that’s what you want to do , let’s try it’ why? because I TRUST him. In a real life BDSM relationship you will see how unconditionally the sub and dom trust each other. To be that vulnerable to someone, you must trust them with your life. Literally. It is one of the reasons I have such an issue with '50 shades of Grey'. The author clearly has no experience of BDSM or sub/dom relationships and she writes about it in a way that suggests Mr. Grey is both abusive and controlling. The book romanticises abusive relationships rather than showing how sex with a kinkier, harder edge should be done with trust and love.
Hit Me Baby One More Time
The other problem with rough sex is that people watch too much porn. I take that back, you can never watch too much porn. What I mean to say, is that people watch stars like Rocco Siffredi, Nacho Vidal and Manuel Ferrara and they attempt to copy what they see. But they don’t copy what they see, they just mimic the actions. Let me tell you something about those three performers, they are the nicest, sweetest, most gentlemanly, professional guys I have ever worked with. They feed off the girl, they feel what she is into and they don’t push her beyond her limits. They sense and judge based on body language, facial expressions and noises. Although porn is a performance, girls want to work with a guy that makes them feel comfortable. The best performers in the world can fuck hard and rough but do it with passion, with eye contact and they TALK to the girl through out the scene. Communication is intensely important to any healthy sexual relationship and any good porn scene. I have worked with guys that have said ‘Oh you like it rough’ and then proceeded to spend the entire scene slapping me round the face, aggressively pulling me into positions I can’t get out of and spitting on me whilst calling me a whore. There is no connection, no passion, no precision. There is nothing sexy about relentlessly being hit and spat on. That’s not rough sex, THAT is abuse. I love being slapped, I love spit, I love being pinned down and choked, but I want passion and connection. The aggression can be terrifying when there is nothing behind it. I’ve done more than one scene like this and those performers and companies have ended up directly on my ’NO list’.
Choking and Biting.
Choking is a strange one. I LOVE the sensation of being choked out more than ANYTHING in the world. When you start to black out and your limbs go floppy, it sounds like static and your vision fades to grey and then before you know it you're awake again and you have no idea where you are. For a split second you're like 'Woah, who's fucking me?’
However, I want to make it VERY CLEAR that I absolutely DO NOT condone choking. This article is not an invitation to go home and choke your girlfriend tonight. If you don't know what you're doing or you don't let go in time, it can be pretty bad. We all know how Michael Hutchence died, now don't we? SO if your girl is an absolute headcase, like me, and she wants you to choke her out, PLEASE make sure you know what you’re doing before you place your hands on her throat. Otherwise just hold her throat with a little force, that’s equally as hot. I love the feeling of a hand on my throat even if I’m not being choked. It makes me feel small and like my guy is in control.
Biting is another one that is very specific. I love being bitten, really, really hard. Especially on my neck and shoulders. I want the bruises and teeth marks on me for the next week as a reminder I had amazing sex. When I first started dating my boyfriend, I asked him to bite me, he left my neck in pieces, I was so happy the next day when I saw the marks. He felt awful and I begged him to do it again. I like the hard intense biting, and I am lucky enough to have a guy that knows my exact spots and how hard to bite down on them. The pain sensation mixed with the pleasure of feeling him inside me is something I can’t even begin to describe. I can orgasm just from him biting me. It is safe to assume that most girls will not be into the intensely hard biting that leaves them with neck wounds for a week. Start with light nibbling, the neck and the ear lobes are great places to begin. Trust me, if she likes it you’ll know and she will probably tell you to bite harder.
So How Should I Fuck Her?
Ok, so I’ve pretty much told you everything you shouldn’t do when it comes to rough sex. So what SHOULD you do? Build a bond, or talk about it first. Once you’ve had sex a couple times or gotten to know each other, it’s usually pretty easy to gage what people are into in the bedroom. If she puts your hand on her throat, or tells you to slap her the first time you fuck then ding ding ding! You have a winner! Other girls may not be as upfront about it. You can always test the water: light holding of the throat, gently pinning her hands down, light neck biting, holding her hair in doggy and pulling her head back. These are all good things to start with. Most girls will tell you off if you go too far, but judge her body language also, if she tenses up or makes an awkward face, it’s probably not a good idea to go any further with it.
If you’ve tried the light testing of the water and it seems to be heading in the right direction, maybe kick it up a notch. I remember one of the first times I slept with my boyfriend, I spat into his open mouth whilst I was on top. Just to see if he was into it. I like spit swapping there’s something intensely intimate about it. If you’re going to start upping the naughtiness, I suggest a light slap and a bit of spit swapping, always keep eye contact and COMMUNICATE. Ask her if she likes it, call her pet names, tell her she’s beautiful. I love being dominated and destroyed during sex but told I’m beautiful and have things whispered to me whilst it’s happening. It keeps the connection between you and your partner and allows you to know just how far each of you is willing to go.
Just Because I Like To Be Hit, Doesn’t Mean I’m Weak
Finally, this is a shoutout to all the girls out there that love rough sex! Amen to you! A lot of people ask me why I like to be hit, bitten and choked in bed. The suggestion that I am weak or allow men to use me has come up on more than one occasion. Why on earth is something I desire for my own pleasure seen as a weakness? I enjoy this just as much, if not more than men. In my day to day life I am in charge of everything. I am my own boss, I pay my own bills, I book my own work and I own my house. It is, quite frankly, fucking laborious, so when I get into the bedroom (or wherever we happen to be when I want to screw his brains out) I want my man to take control. I want to submit to him completely. I love the vulnerability I have towards him when we are between the sheets. I’m so on point and in control in all other aspects of my life, having that time where he is entirely in control of me, my body and my pleasure, is the best feeling in the world.