Reset the Count to Zero

Starting Over to Get It Right

By Khadijah Barefield

How many sexual partners are too many for a woman? Two? Ten? Twenty? Can a woman reset the count and become a virgin again? My own count of sexual relations is set approximately at—well, it is SET. I want to start the count over and have it at zero. To do so, I have to master the accustomed habit of loving men with my body. Once I learn how to overcome my sexual drive, I can love men with my heart.

In a LiveScience article written by Jennifer Abassi, sex researcher Sarah Murray stated, “Hormones are only part of the story. Although they are one piece of the sexual desire puzzle, focusing too heavily on hormones can remove the contextual factors that play into desire, such as whether or not a woman is in a satisfying, loving relationship, and if she has time to feel relaxed, playful, and sexy," she concluded (Why Women Lose Interest in Sex, Jennifer Abassi, LiveScience, 2012).

In casual relationships, I have cleaned one man’s house and cooked dinner. I was unmarried yet giving care to the man, as he was the man of my household. By having sex, I allowed my emotions to be affected. My own mind thought of him as a friend and lover; however, he was neither. I have purchased gifts for men, and in another relationship, split house bills and performed similar forms of actions that would have led others to believe I was in a marriage. The sex created that illusion in my mind. To my knowledge, he was a sexual partner. For him to have been more than that would have meant a lasting satisfaction of care given from his behalf.

Why have I slept with more men than I should have? There were times that I fell into the trend of an "independent woman," so I gave little care for my partner. At that time, it was about my own satisfaction while establishing my career. Still I knew it was a lie because I was a domestic woman and would have loved  a full family household: husband, wife, and children. Presently, my household is composed of the wife and children. I have faith that it will become fully composed of all aspects ideally thought of for a family size household, but I know I must reset the count to zero. Through prayer I can.

Sex has lost its glory. Maybe I was always screwing and never had sex? The romantic and enjoyable sex that a woman has with her man. I have a gentle heart so I still communicate with an old lover, though I can see through his phoniness. My mind tells me to leave him alone. The wait for a husband has been too long to settle for him. Slowly I make my space away from him. In the past when lustful desires aroused within, I would call my lover to be satisfied. Now I see that waiting is the way to find satisfaction; to find the love and security that I seek in a marriage.

Can I seriously think that abstinence will place me closer to finding the right man? I would like to preserve myself for him. Ultimately, he will become my husband. To fulfill your lover's desires and feel unsatisfied yourself leaves you empty. So is practicing abstinence in my next relationship the answer? When I do have sex again, will I restore the enjoyment of having sex? With prayer, faith, and action to control intimacy with men, I am certain that my plan will work and I will find happiness in the husband I choose. 

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