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Have you always wanted to get to know a sex worker? I imagine so. I can understand how people gravitate toward us, wanting to figure us out. Despite our professions being very common, people still don't know a lot about us. I get that people are naturally curious about us, our jobs, and just want to know us better for whatever reason.
However, before you approach us with whatever may be on your mind, just take in consideration that some questions may not be okay to ask. Some questions are just overall uncomfortable and inappropriate to ask; even if you mean well. Some people truly don’t understand that you shouldn’t ask these and I totally get that. Although some of these questions are considered ‘gotchya questions,’ asking these will just make you look like a dick. Overall, just think before you speak. Here are some questions that you might want to avoid.
1. "What's your real name?"
You need to understand that we have stage names for a reason. It's pretty self-explanatory as to why, but for those who don't know, our name isn't just a part of our brand, our persona, but it's in place to keep our safety and privacy secured. We prefer to keep who we really are outside of work completely separate for many reasons, so please understand that we want to keep it that way.
2. "So where do you live?"
This should be pretty much common sense, but again, I slightly understand if someone doesn’t get it. Again, we’d like to keep our personal lives private, so asking us something like this can come off as invasive and creepy.
3. "Are you married or have any kids?"
Most of the time when you meet a sex worker, ninety percent of the time, they do have some form of a family; even if it’s just a romantic partner and a pet. There are some sex workers that are single and don’t have a family. However just to be on the respectful side, just assume that we do and we don’t want to talk about them. A small amount of sex workers don’t mind mentioning that they have a family, but to be polite, don’t be the one to bring this question up.
4. "How many dicks have you sucked?"
Really? I mean c'mon. To be completely honest, I shouldn't have to explain this but I will. Just take a minute and think: Why do you really want to know this? Why does it matter? Do you think that if she’d only suck ten dicks in her life that it would make her pure and if she’d suck a hundred dicks that would make her gross? Just...don’t ask this question, okay? Can we agree that this is degrading and rude? It’s honestly very sexist and whore-phobic. If you were talking to a woman who wasn't a sex worker, you wouldn't ask this, right? Right. Whenever an escort, or really any type of sex worker in general, has sex with someone, keep in mind that we’re not reckless with our sexuality. Even though people who have never been in the industry like to assume, believe it or not, we honestly do everything in our power to stay clean.
5. "How many people have you fucked?"
Again, another gotchya question. The same response from the last question above goes for this question too.
6. "What's a bad day like for you?"
Truthfully, I will admit...I have asked this before. I honestly didn’t know that you shouldn't and I’ve been in this industry since I was eighteen. With the positive rise of support for escorts, there’s still little information about them and their work. I remember asking an escort this over an Instagram live video since she was doing an AMA. It was just out of genuine, sheer curiosity.
I asked her, “So, what's a bad day for you like?”
Self-explanatory, I thought she would have described it as maybe only a slow day, or a client requesting some weird fetish in a booking...but no. She quickly got defensive and ripped straight into me.
Immediately, she told me, “That’s a question you should never ever ask a sex worker—a bad day means getting sexually assaulted.”
Yikes. I quickly felt like a huge asshole even though I didn’t know. I felt really bad because I notice it had triggered probably some bad memories. I had no idea. I apologized and just left the AMA in total embarrassment. It’s something that she might have thought would be common sense. However, I’ve never been an escort, so I had no clue.
7. "I can't afford ______, can I get a discount?"
I have my prices up for a reason. Occasionally, I’ll discount some of my services here and there, but take a second and think; you wouldn’t go into Forever 21 or a grocery store and ask to pay less, would you? No, you wouldn’t because you're aware that those are the prices and they're not going to drop on request. You're not entitled to cheaper prices from them just like you're not entitled to cheaper services from us. I still have to make a living just like you, okay? Please stop bringing up this question. It’s very exhausting to have to answer while not getting frustrated.
8. "Do you ever date clients?"
So again, another question that might come up, but still something that’s not cool to ask. I get it that it might happen and it's very possible, but highly unlikely that a sex worker desires to date a client. Please understand that if we wanted a partner or a friend with benefits that we’d go on any dating app that’s ever existed and find one. When we work, whether or not we’re fucking the clients or giving them the girlfriend experience, we’re not actually going to personally date them. So assume the answer will always be no. We work with clients to only provide services and nothing more.
9. "What does your partner or family think of your job?"
Why...do you care? If a sex worker does have a partner, wouldn’t you think that they know already about their profession and they're fine with it? Or they might understand that this is merely just a source of income; while it might not be completely favorable, they still don’t love their SW partner any less? When it comes to family, most of the time, sex workers want to keep their profession very quiet from them because they’re genuinely unaware of how they would take it. Although, it doesn’t make their profession any less valid because they might disapprove. So understand that this question comes off as you finding an excuse to look down on us.
10. "So when are you going to quit and do something else?"
Probably never? This can come off as incredibly rude and inappropriate to ask. There's always that possibility that maybe a sex worker likes what they do and doesn’t want to quit. You wouldn't ask a police officer this or a teacher, would you? No. To avoid asking this question, assume that maybe they’re not sure and they’re still trying to figure it out. Regardless of whatever their situation is, don’t ask this. It feels like it comes from a place of judgment and only puts stress and other negativity on us.