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Porn Made Me Hate Myself

A Drunk Vent

Porn made me hate myself. It's true, in every way shape and form. Being in love with a porn addict has hurt me more than anything in this whole world. I have never experienced the type of hurt that I have felt during the past six years. The first discovery of the porn I found on his phone will forever haunt me. Seeing all of the titles of the videos he watched is burned into my brain and I won't ever forget them, as much as I've tried.

I have always come second, no matter what. I lose. Porn wins. I get it. And the past year I've found myself not caring anymore. Is it not caring, or am I just numb to the pain so that way I don't feel that sinking, heartbreak into your bones feeling again? That "you're fat, disgusting and ugly and thats why he chooses porn over you" feeling. That "I will never be enough" feeling. And then you feel shitty or even putting your worth into other people to begin with. That's where I messed up. That's where I slipped. Thinking I had meaning in somebody else. While I realize that, it's still so incredibly painful to see this video titles. To see the xxx websites in his search bar history. To feel that huge fist in your chest. 

And maybe it's true. Maybe I am not enough, and I never will be. Maybe I should have gotten out while I had the chance. Maybe I'm not worth it and porn is everywhere and I need to get used to it and suck it up. Realize that I will never come before porn. As I never have, I probably never will. 

Porn made my hate myself. Porn was chosen a thousand times over me, waiting in bed for him.

What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me? Why am I so fat? Why can't I look anything like those girls he watches? Why can't I be enough? Why doesn't he want me? 

Because I'm not enough. Because I'm not wanted or loved in the way that I thought I would be. This life is a joke. I'm depressed. I want to die half the time. Don't tell me things will get better because that hasn't been true in years. No one can truly fathom the type of pain this has put me through unless they have gone through it too. I'll never escape porn because it has become so normalized. 

I can't even begin to acknowledge how much I've cried over this, how much it feels like I need to rip my skin off, for all the night terrors, for wanting to harm myself because of the anger it's given me. 

Porn made me hate myself, and continues to do so. I look at myself differently now, and see my body only as a form of pleasure. How women are just forms of disposable pleasure. I could stand up to the men and women who love and vouch for porn, but immediately get shot down. There's only so much a human being can take. Being compared to porn, as all women are, is draining... it's mentally exhausting. There's no other way to put it. And to think that the man I love and share my life with chooses to watch a girl potentially getting raped and abused for entertainment... it breaks me. It aches in my bones, I feel it. 

Porn changed my life and I know it will inevitably change my younger siblings, friends and families lives. Porn kills love. Porn fuels sex trafficking. Stop the demand.