Partner of a Porn Addict 3 - Relapse

Dealing with relapses has got to be one of the most confusing situations that occurs during an addict’s recovery. One second I'm pissed at him, then the next I'm angry and blaming myself for everything that's going on. I start asking myself, "Why didn't I ask him if he'd read the next step in his SAA book?" or "Why didn't I tell him how proud I was of him this morning before he left for work?" I ask myself all of these things as if what I do even makes a difference. For the past month, he had steadily been improving, lasting between a week to two weeks before relapsing again. But this time he relapsed just after five days. I’m so disappointed and frustrated because I want to know that we are moving forward and not taking steps backward.

Deep down, I do know the truth, that it isn't my fault at all. But sometimes it really feels like it has to be. He wouldn't hurt me so much if I didn't somehow deserve it. This is one of the most emotionally taxing things I've ever gone through. It puts you on an emotional rollercoaster. I can be so happy with him in the morning, but then it feels like a punch in the gut when he tells me that he relapsed that night. My whole world begins to spin and I start to question everything.

I am so emotionally and physically drained because of the anxiety that comes with this recovery process. It makes you focus on and notice things that you might not have before. For instance, when I call him at work, I pay attention to how long he seems to want to be on the phone with me. I also take into consideration how distracted he seems, or the tone he uses with me. I can usually tell when he has already relapsed and hasn't told me about it yet. It also makes me super sensitive to everything he watches. If he watched a movie that I know has nudity or a lot of sexual innuendos, I automatically want to question his judgment and tell him how wrong it is for him to be watching those things when he knows he is easily triggered. I have to try so hard to hold my tongue because if I don't, we would be arguing constantly, which would just make our situation worse.

On top of all that, the timing of his relapses can be pretty terrible. Just yesterday my car got repossessed, and now I’m thinking of filing for bankruptcy. If I do file, I will lose everything that I spent four years working my butt off for. Although, I may lose it anyway if I don’t file since I quit my job a few months back due to some health concerns that I had. This situation may also make me dependent on him for our future living and transportation situation since my credit will be shot. It is scary to have to depend on someone who you have trust issues with due to their addiction. The last thing that I want to be worrying about is his relapses. I wish he could be my support system through all of these financial troubles, but instead, I feel betrayed and hurt by the man who is supposed to be my safe spot to cry and destress from all this chaos.

Sadly, all I feel like doing now is sleeping and not waking back up until he's recovered. That way I know that he isn't going to hurt me anymore. I love him so much, but sometimes I question whether or not it's all going to be worth it in the end. I want to be proud of him and tell him that I'm glad he's even trying, but then the hurt takes over. It makes me want to be so mean to him, which is totally not in my character. This addiction is bringing out the worst in both of us.