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Partner of a Porn Addict

PTSD

By Diary of a Porn Addicts PartnerPublished 6 years ago 6 min read
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How do you take a beautiful, successful, self-sufficient, loving woman and turn her into an insecure, mean, and cold person? The answer is PORN ADDICTION.

Before my current relationship, I was with a different guy. Our relationship had its up and downs, mostly due to the fact that he cared about money a little too much. When I got out of that relationship, I felt so much relief and was ready to be on my own. I had so much confidence in myself and could not have imagined how insecure I would be a just a year later.

After the end of my last relationship, I moved back to my home state and started over. I was focusing on myself and was super happy and content with my life. In no way was I expecting to meet the man who I now think of as my soul mate. Nor did I realize that it was about to be a long, hard battle for the both of us.

When we first met, he was attentive, loving, sexy, and we had so much in common. But all of those things slowly started to fade away. Now, I know this happens inside of most romantic relationships, but we had only been together for a little over 2 months. This left me so confused because the man I had fallen in love with not too long ago was slipping away. It led me to start checking his phone when he left the room. I also began to question most of the things he did by himself. Something felt off, and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. We had many conversations where I asked him if he just didn't want to be with me, or if there was something that I had done wrong. He insisted that it was neither of those things. So one day, my phone was dead and I went to use his phone to look something up. To my surprise, his browser tabs were full of porn sites. I was heartbroken, but at a loss for what I should do about it. I wasn't even sure if I should confront him about it. What I didn't know at the time was that I had just stumbled upon his deep, dark secret. I had just opened the door to one of the toughest situations I have ever had to deal with. Neither he nor I understood how bad his addiction was.

When I decided to confront him about the porn, he was pretty confused. He said that he knew most men and some women watch it and that he thought it was normal. He also said that if it bothered me that he would just quit watching it. When I left that conversation, I thought all was well and that it was just going to be that simple. Then, a few weeks later when I asked about it again, just to check up, he got super defensive and said that he didn't see anything wrong with what he was doing. It was so hurtful and confusing because I thought we had decided that he would stop watching it. After, a plethora of arguments and tears, I think we both knew we were dealing with a bigger issue. He wasn't just watching porn every now and then, he had an addiction. Not only did he enjoy watching it, but he would turn sex with me down because he wanted to watch porn instead. All of the intimacy in our relationship was disappearing. He would turn to other girls he saw, and tell me that I should cut my hair like that, dye my hair that color, or dress like that girl. I seriously started to think that the man I loved was only with me out of comfort and that he didn't actually like me.

It took close to a year of denial on his side, and frustration and sadness on my side, but we're finally working towards steps to help him recover. It has already been a long tough journey, and I have no doubt that it will continue to be hard on the both of us. But I am hoping for the best. I am sharing my story in hopes that other women will be able to relate and maybe feel less alone in this scary, frustrating, and tragic experience. As an introduction, I'd like to share the letter I wrote to him about how his addiction makes effects me, but never let him read...

"I love this man so much, but the pain I feel thinking about him watching other women is terrible. I feel like I have to hide my tears it and wait till he falls asleep to fall apart. I give this man all of me and I don't understand why pieces of him belong to other women. These people have never seen his face, don't know his name, sleep in his bed, deal with his bad days and good days, wash his laundry, clean his dishes, etc. I also don't understand why someone would try to take the most intimate part of a relationship and share it with a bunch of other women. It leaves me feeling as if I'm not enough for him. Or maybe I just don't deserve to have a man that only wants me. I feel so betrayed, unwanted, unloved, and unappreciated. This is why I know I cannot marry this man unless he gets help and works on himself. I cant put myself through this pain the rest of my life. I've tried to push him to change, even though I knew that would never work. I just want to feel better. I want us to enjoy each others company the way we did when we first got together. Now anytime he's touching me, I have to wonder who he's thinking of. Anytime I have a middle of the day phone call with him, I wonder if he's already "slept" another woman in the bathroom at work. When I see my phone ring, I question whether or not I want to answer it because even if he hasn't done anything, I automatically assume he has. It's like I have PTSD. This realization(My boyfriend is addicted to jerking off to other women), has caused me to have mini anxiety attacks every time I see a picture of a girl who I think he may get triggered by. This is the most pain I've ever experienced in my life. Still, somehow my love for him keeps winning out. I just keep taking the pain and the hurt, which just makes me feel stupid. I was raised to believe that a man will only put you through what you let him put you through. If it wasn't for STUPID PORN our relationship would be so simple. And I know we would make it to marriage. I want to believe that we still can get through this and make it work, but I am so incredibly afraid that we won't and my heart will just continue to break..."

Though I never let him read this, I have expressed these emotions to him many different times, in many various ways. While it is so hard for me to be confident in myself and in our relationship, I still haven't given up. I love him so much and I want what is best for our relationship. I really do hope that we can get through these emotional and confusing times. So please feel free to follow my story if you can relate or are interested in porn addiction and its effects. You can follow up here on vocal for updates on our situation and deeper detail on how we got to where we are now.

relationships
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About the Creator

Diary of a Porn Addicts Partner

Hello there. My boyfriend is a porn addict going through the early stages of recovery. This is my journey...

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