Paradise

I sleep and awake each day with the same goal, the same mission, unable to achieve it. Hoping that one day someone will come to help me achieve said mission.

One day, out of the blue, an old friend knocks on the door and asks for me. I run downstairs to greet him and we go up to my room. He busts out a few joints, I put on some music, and we just lie on the bed and chat.

"How was your Christmas?" I ask trying to break the ice.

"Oh, you know how it is with homophobic parents. It's always so fun, trying to deepen your voice and trying to dress nice, but not too nice."

"That sounds shitty..."

"Yeah... how was yours?"

"Fine... I just..."

"What?"

"Nothing. It's stupid."

"No... what is it you want?"

"I just... when I was younger, my dad and I used to train together. I bought a combat training knife a while back. I was in the garage and I would practice."

"Yeah?"

"It kinda made me miss it. Not him. Just the training in general."

"So?"

"We also had weed in the garage and I stole like three grams. Even though I paid it back, I'm locked out still and my knife is missing in there, too. I've been looking at sais, doing some window shopping and it's kinda pointless 'cuz even if I got them. The training space that I require is so close, but unobtainable."

"Couldn't you just ask for you keys back?"

"I've tried. They just said I got locked out because I was being a thief and a 'little shit.'"

"Ouch."

"Yeah, tell me about it. I also was working on other stuff in there, too, but they didn't let me explain and I feel like it's a waste. Even if I managed to explain to them how important it is to me, it wouldn't change anything."

"What were you working on?"

"I was working on writing a story and a budget. It's stupid really. Originally, it was for college—if I ever could afford to go—but even with my cumulative 3.91 GPA at the community college and being in the honors society, I couldn't afford to go. And I don't even care about that. I just... want to feel like myself again and I don't know how to do that."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean. I feel like I've completely changed as a person. And I constantly feel like I can't enjoy myself, because every time that I try, I feel like I am being judged, even though I'm alone."

"Could it just be your schizophrenia acting up again?"

"I mean... probably."

"You should get medication."

"I can't. The only thing that helps is weed and it's the only thing I can't overdose on..."

"Yeah... I remember the hospital."

I crank up the music and grab the lit joint from him and start to smoke and dance.

"You've gotten really good at that." He points out.

"Yeah. I've had nothing, but free time to practice."

"What about your stories?"

"I've deviated. Working on simultaneous projects at once. But I feel like I can't get the space that I need to finish them."

"One thing I've learned from military training is lock picking..."

"I mean... it's not a complicated lock. And usually my parents fall asleep at around eight, but I usually wait until 11:30 or so to break the rules."

"I'll come by tomorrow at 11?"

"Sounds good."

He leaves the joints and kisses me on the cheek.

"It's going to be okay. I promise."

I spend the rest of the evening in anticipation for tomorrow. Whenever I am able to get unstuck, a flood of ideas and emotions hit me. I wonder how it will feel to have access to a place that I have been locked out of for months now.

Opening my laptop up, staring at a blank page or unfinished words stringing together is maddening.

Finally, the night is here. I showered at seven and got dressed up. I lied and told my parents that I was going to a party. Later I told them that it was canceled, which my mom commented on that it was a shame because my outfit looked good.

11:30 passes and I start to get nervous.

I hear a soft tap on my bedroom door and I go to open it.

"Surprise. I debated texting, but I wanted to prove my lock picking skills."

"I'm impressed, and oddly turned on."

"Oh. Also..." He pulls out a 17-inch case

"Happy Christmas!" He hands me the box.

"W... you know how I feel about gifts..."

"I know I know... just open it up."

I open the case and the sais are magnificent.

"They're beautiful!" I exclaim. I squeeze him tight and I feel a bulge.

"Umm..." I nervously start.

"Well, I am happy to see you. But these are mine."

He pulls out an identical case.

"You didn't think that I was gonna let you have all the fun? Did you?"

"I'm glad that I'll have a sparring partner."

We sneak and successfully break into the garage.

He goes to turn on the overhead lights, but I grab his arm and lower it.

"Don't. It's the best when it's just the hanging lights."

I point at the back of the garage. There are steady pale white lights that are hanging outlining the structure. They illuminate the room enough to see what you are doing, but not enough to do anything like reading unless you're right next to them.

"Victory joint?"

"Sounds good."

He lights the joint and I put on music, softly as to not awaken my parents.

We puff puff pass for a while until...

"Can I show you something?" I ask.

"Of course, you know you can always trust me."

"There's this... smoke trick that I've always wanted to try. But it's kinda... intimate."

"Are we not intimate?" he asks.

"No... it's not that, Kyle... it's just that I don't want to complicate things."

"I get it... you don't have to show me if you don't want to."

"No it's jus—"

"You say that a lot."

"Fine. Let me just show you."

I take a hit from the joint, I watch the light swallow up the paper until it forms a thick cloud of it that slowly emits from my mouth. I climb on top of him, and move my mouth delicately to his and he opens. I blow the smoke gently into his mouth. He inhales it and blows it to the side and then I climb off of him.

"Thanks. I've always wanted to try that, but I've never smoked with someone I've wanted to kiss before."

"Are you saying you want to kiss me?"

"We should train..."

I grab the sais in an attempt to reduce my nervousness.

He grabs his pair and we spar for a while.

Our movements are perfectly in sync, there's no worry of if he is going to hurt me, or overpower me. Anytime a swing is a bit faster or harder than the other's, we are able to slow it down.

After several minutes of sparring, he starts to get a bit of a boner.

"Do you want to take a break?" I chuckle

"Yeah. Sorry. Just the working out and stuff."

"What are you a Grindr bot? I get it. Well... not really since I've been having issues in that department."

"Oh what? Can't get it up?"

"It's not funny." I hit him on his shoulder with the back of my hand.

"After everything, I just had a breakdown and it's been difficult."

"I get it. I'm gonna sit down."

"Do you mind if I dance?"

"Not at all."

I turn up the music a little bit and I get lost in the rhythm and the sound. Every beat my body responds to. He's sitting in the chair and my body gravitates towards him. Before I even am aware of it, I climb on top of him again.

But this time, he inhales the smoke. Puts his mouth close to mine. I open wide enough for him to blow it in. We keep blowing after we inhale the smoke until there's no more left in our mouths and then we kiss. The weed is strong and has a blueberry taste to it. I tasted everything in his mouth, and I could taste that he had brushed his teeth before because I even got a minty taste.

We make out for a while before I look at the time to realize that it's 3:30 in the morning. My parents could potentially wake up and discover us here.

"We should go."

"I'm too high to drive."

"Stay the night, silly. I just meant like, we need to leave."

"Will your parents smell the weed?"

I bust out cologne and spray it.

"You're just a bad boy, huh?"

"You have no idea."

We sneak out of the garage and lock it. When we get back to my room we just lie next to each other cuddling.

"I don't think we should have sex right away."

"What?"

"I just... wanted to put that out there. I like you. I just don't want to complicate things right away. Today... was perfect."

"I agree."

"Okay... good."

He kisses my forehead and whispers, "I also found your knife."

I rest my head on his chest.

The sound of his heart beating steadily makes me fall fast asleep.

A lot of people have a perfect fantasy. This day, stupid and mundane as it may seem, is actually my fantasy. Paradise is something that we all want. Maybe that means clubbing for some, but intimate gatherings are always more meaningful to me because someone is choosing to hangout with you above anyone else.

This stupid date is heaven to me.