Pan and Proud

I want to talk about sexuality.

I grew up in a religious family where the only option was to be a heterosexual man or woman in the church. Being ‘gay’ was a myth. The idea of lesbianism was a perverse impossibility made up by the porn industry. And there wasn’t a stratosphere where bi-sexuality, trans, or queer people existed, these were just terms thrown out of the air to make abominations feel better about their life choices.

I absolutely HATE how small-minded this sounds, but it is true.

Of course, I wasn’t always privy to these discussions going on in the world. When I was a child, I didn’t know what any of these things could mean, but as I got older I found out my 6th grade crush was gay. In high school I started having gay friends. In college I started having friends who would like guys and girls but did not define themselves as bi-sexual because the world still wasn’t accepting of that kind of possibility.

Still today there is a stigma around bi-sexuality or anything equally as radical.

Our world goes through stages of acceptance and it seems like we take 1 step forward and 2 steps back sometimes as a whole society. In some countries, gay and lesbian marriage is legal and accepted, while in other countries the nation is torn on legalization of gay marriage, and there still exists today countries where the punishment for being queer is death.

But even in those countries that are more accepting of gay and lesbian marriage, there are still people who oppose it. Further than that, even the queer community goes through stages of acceptance.

I recently saw a video about how bi-sexuality is still seen as ‘not a real thing’ in the gay community and I got very angry. IT IS a real thing, just as real as a man liking another man. A man can feel attracted to both men and women.

I reposted this video on my facebook to express my discomfort and this sparked a discussion between myself and another one of my friends. His point of view was that bi-sexual people can only be attracted to both men and women if they are single, but as soon as they are in a relationship their status changes from ‘bi-sexual’ to either Homo or Hetero depending on the sex of their new partner.

This notion to me is absolutely ridiculous. By this logic, sexuality is a complete reprogramming of the body’s desires based on current romantic status.

I explained to my friend that by definition someone who is bi-sexual is attracted to both men and women. The prefix bi notes two of something, in this case the two sexes. Two sexes = bi. Sexual = attraction. Therefore, attracted to two sexes. The conversation ended and I think I got my point across.

But still people, even in the LGBTQ comminity, see bi-sexual people as selfish. They see them as ‘just going through a phase’, ‘just confused’ or seeking attention. People who are bi-sexual are sterotyped to be more likely to cheat or their partner has too much competition because of the amount of people they could be attracted to.

My favourite misnomer about bi-sexuality comes in the form of an interview with Canadian actress Anna Paquin, who is proudly bi-sexual and married to fellow actor, Stephen Moyer. The interviewer, Larry King asked Paquin if she is a ‘non-practicing bisexual’.

She replied that she is married to her husband and they are happily, monogamously married, to which Larry asked ‘But you WERE bi-sexual?’ and her response is a key element of how i feel “Well, I don't think it’s a past tense thing….”

Just like my friend who thinks that once in a relationship, a bi-sexual person’s sexuality changes from bi to mono...a lot of people think that you cannot be in a monogamous relationship and still be attracted to more than one gender and this is just not true.

From personal experience, I can 100%, without a doubt, say that you CAN be in a committed relationship and still be attracted to people of both genders without being a cheater, without creating more competition for your partner, without being confused or ‘going through a phase’ in your life.

I never thought I was bi-sexual even though I found both men and women attractive. It was a revelation when I came across the term pansexual. It was a sudden ‘That’s me’, ‘That is how i define myself’. Up until that point, I would deny being labelled either ‘Straight’, ‘Gay’, ‘Lesbian’, or ‘Bisexual’ cause none of those labels fully felt like me. I would say ‘I am a lover of beautiful people’.

It wasn’t until I discovered the term pansexual that I fully realised how I felt about these ‘beautiful people’.

The term pansexual, for those who don’t know, is defined by being attracted to people regardless of their biological makeup or sexual orientation. This includes, but not limited to gay men, straight men, lesbian women, straight women, bisexual women, bisexual men, drag queens, drag kings, transvestites, transgender men or women, androgynous men or women, etc.

I think even more than bisexuality, pan-sexuality is not very well known and not accepted within even the most accepting of communities. And I really wish that this could change. As a society we should be able to accept others choices to live and love how they wish as long as it’s not causing harm to anyone else. That is the future I want to see, especially so that my kids in the future can be loved and accepted for whoever they turn out to be and whomever they want to love.