Number One

I have never really sat down and written anything without specific direction. I’ve heard that old trope that you should ‘write about what you know,’ so, without further ado, I present to you, a selection of strangers that never asked for this, a series about the most amusing sexual encounters that I have had, in my short 32 years.

The year is 2001. I am 15 years old. My dad had gone on holiday to Australia and left my big brother in charge. As fun as that may sound, there are actually 26 years between us, and a convent nun would have been less strict (I know because I attended an all girls catholic convent school, THE RUMOURS ARE TRUE)

I had been granted a rare pass to go out without adult supervision, to a Green Day concert with roughly six of my most unsavoury mates. It was an incredible show, Billie Jo climbed up onto the railings in the middle of a spirited rendition of "Basket Case" and sprayed our whole row with a super-soaker. Fuck. I was so wet.

After the show, whilst smoking a Super King we walked past a group of guys and one them had forest green hair. He stood up. He asked me for a light. I commented “you have green hair” and apparently to a 15 year old boy, that is code for “mate you are peng wanna smash?” He stood up without saying anything and clumsily kissed me for what felt like 10 minutes (30 seconds.) I gave him my number and told him to come over on the weekend.

The weirdest thing about this encounter is that I vividly remember thinking, “sick if he comes over we can fuck, my virginity will be gone and I can get on with fucking whoever I want.” I fucking fear the day I ever pro-create.

It was set. I had permission from big brother and on Saturday night Chris and Lucy came over. I obviously had to invite a girl over so as not to blow my cover. *insert dramatic eye-roll here* My brother went out for the evening but not before taking me to one side and stating that “if he found out that, that boy had been anywhere near my bedroom, he would fucking kill him and then he would fucking kill me and then Lucy too just for being there.” Great. What could possibly go wrong.

Several hours and at least seven Bacardi breezers later (between three of us, we weren’t addicts, Jesus) Lucy had passed out. For some reason that I still can’t remember, Chris and I decided it would be wise to put her into bed. At the time, I had one of those vile metal-frame bunk beds, where the bottom bunk was a sofa that pulled out into a double. We managed to push her up the stairs and convince her to climb into the top bunk. Absolutely fuck-knows why.

Despite this effort of clearing the bottom bunk, we decided to go next door to the spare room for some privacy. This was where I experienced my first ever bit of foreplay. I remember how fast I took my clothes off, I’d never been so ready for something in my life. It was like a weird symphony of euphoric moments and then also like ‘huh I though this would be more intense’ moments. Sure like any 15 year old, I’d masturbated till the cows came home, but right at that moment, some guy had his face buried in my vagina and I was just lost for words. What was I supposed to say here? Should I stop him at any point, do you appraise someone licking your vagina? So many questions. FOCUS. Then, what sounded like someone throwing stones at my window MOTHER FUCKING SHITSTORM my brother is home with friends, and not only is a boy upstairs but his tongue is inside me FUCKHOUSE. I turned to Chris and say “hide like your life depends on it.” I scramble for a t-shirt, chuck it on, run to my room and open the window. I stick my head out to see what’s going on and act surprised to see my brother standing there, “you woke me up.” LOL. Fucking bare-faced lie. I slowly go downstairs turn once again to Chris and say “I’m worried that you heard was ‘hide’ but seriously he is massive and will kill you.”

I open the door tentatively and my brother and his friends all pile in to head up to his room on the third floor. Suddenly he stops and turns to me with a grin and says “I’m not going to find that boy hiding under your bed right?” I fucking froze. My heart was pounding in my chest. I was visibly shitting it.

“Nooooooo ha ha ha,” I weakly responded.

I listened for his footsteps and made sure he’d turned on his music before attempting to find Chris.

I crept into the spare room and whispered his name “Chris, you in here?”

No reply.

I proceeded to check the bathroom, my dad's room, in my wardrobe, under my bed, in the hallway.

“Seriously Chris, where the fuck are you?!”

I hear a muffled reply “in here”

The fuck? I already checked my wardrobe. This absolute joker, some level stealth ninja of hiding had somehow managed to lie down and pile all of my shoes and clothes on top of himself in my fucking wardrobe. Gotta hand it to the guy, he can hide.

We now faced the conundrum of not being able to leave my room again without being discovered. With only one option, we climbed into the bottom bunk. I think the stress of the situation made it pretty hard to get an erection, so the poor boy had to feverishly push his penis inside my virgin vagina. Every thrust made the bed quietly creak like a swing but we didn’t let that deter us. Lucy snored overhead providing some cover. Eventually he did it, by Jove he got in and popped that cherry in what can only be described as the most gentle and silent sex I’ve ever had.

Post sex, I went to the bathroom just to double check. Blood? Check. Semen in the condom? Check. Flush it till it’s gone? Check. Virginity gone? Double check.

Thus the vessel was Chris-tened — aha, see what I did there??

In the morning Lucy said to me, “I had the weirdest dream that I was on a trampoline”

LOL. No Lucy. IT WAS ME INFILTRATING YOUR DREAMS WITH THE LOSS OF MY VIRGINITY.

Fin.