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I love sex, always have, and truthfully always will! Now, I didn’t just have sex with anybody, he had to float my boat first. I always went for the tall/medium size guy with muscles and a nice smile. Or sometimes I’ll make a stupid mistake and just give myself away (I know this wasn’t good). But I was young, dumb, wild, and free.
I knew I had a sex problem when I couldn’t get enough of this one guy. He was older, he had a lot of muscles, nice smile and he was just so damn fine! He was way older than me! I’m talking seven plus years. This took place about six years ago when I was a young teenage girl. At the time I didn’t care that all he wanted from me was SEX. 'Cause that’s all I wanted too, it was soooo good. But y’all know, as a female, it don’t work like that. It was bound for us to gain feelings eventually, and so I did. But that never went anywhere! We were having sex for like three years and while I was sexing him, I was sexing other men too! Very unhealthy.
Now that I’m in my 20s... I realized back then I did not care about myself. I didn’t have self worth, self love, barely any respect for myself. I just wanted to fuck!
This behavior carried on for about six years. I ended up getting into a relationship and we had sex like everyday if we had the chance, and we also did it with NO condoms. I always was aware about pregnancy but we just didn’t care, 'cause his pull out game was ‘STRONG’ LOL. We were having unprotected sex for three and a half years and I never got pregnant. Thank God!
I realized that I had this self gratification issue when I was a teenager. I did not want to have sex with a guy if his dick game was not POPPING. If I had sex with a guy and his dick was ‘whack,’ then I would kick him to the curb. (I know pretty messed up, right?) When I became comfortable with the dude I was having sex with, I didn’t mind not using condoms either. Eventually this behavior lead me into a dark tunnel.
Now fast forward to more present days, I met this guy and he was pretty cool, calm, cute. At this time, I have grown mentally, I had a little more respect for myself, a little more self love for myself. But I still had this sex problem! We were having raw sex majority of the time, and we had sex like every other night. I honestly liked the guy, but his intentions weren’t matching up with mine. Me, being stupid, I kept on falling for him and kept on giving myself away to him.
Honestly... the Universe was getting tired of my shit. It was about time that I learned a valuable lesson. TO STOP HAVING RAW SEX WITH THESE MEN!
So guess what happened?.... I ... got .. PREGNANT. Ugh. Hardest time of my life!
When I found out that I was pregnant, I had already cut the dude out of my life two weeks prior, so it was totally unfortunate.
I still texted him and told him. Plain and simple; “So I’m pregnant.”
Guess what he said.... he said.... NOTHING.
This experience has been the toughest lesson yet. Because I’ve always against the ‘A’ word. Y’all know what I mean by the ‘A’ word... but this time, I didn’t have a choice! Honestly, I was at a very low point in my life. Low financials, I had one more year to finish college so I can get a better job, I lived on my own, and clearly the baby's father was not trying to be in my life... so it was very hard for me.
When the day came closer to get the ‘A’... I was crying from left to right. I told my parents, because I just needed some advice, I didn’t know what to do! I felt like shit, I felt worthless, I was in pain every morning from morning sickness, I was depressed, confused, and I felt dumb.
But, I came to my senses and realized that I truly was not ready to bring another human into this world. Yes, it killed me inside and It still kills me even to this day..
I LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON! If it wasn’t for this lesson, I probably would still be having raw sex with men. I came to the conclusion that I won’t be having sex until the guy that I’m dating, is seriously into me, good intentions, respects me, and potentially my boyfriend.
Having casual sex is not fun, at least not anymore. I have grown, I have matured and gained so much self love for myself. I just want to tell my teenage self that it’s okay, we all make mistakes, but as long as you learned from your mistakes and make better decisions then that’s all that matters.
PLEASE USE CONDOMS!! Don’t be like teenage me.