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Most Disturbing Toys

Disturbing toys are as varied and volatile as the tainted tots they entertain.

By Filthy StaffPublished 8 years ago 4 min read
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What's in store for your little dimpled, darling pervert? We've got toys, lots of toys, that will help to carry your titillated tyke over the hump of degenerate childhood and into the full-fledged corruption of the adult world. The Yellow Brick Road of life is lined with used condoms, sex shops, everything from vaginal jelly to Pomeranian bullwhips. Why not toys... toys for the tainted (and tumescent) tots of busy parents?

Chimp-Chump the Punchy Primate

Help your own little darling along on the road to making a monkey out of her own man. Start her off on Chimp-Chump, the complete defenseless, surrogate male. She can kick the shit out of the hairy little bastard for years, until she grows up and marries a hairy little bastard of her own.

$14.44 BLUE CROSS NOT INCLUDED

The Big-Daddy Erection Set for the Kid Who Can’t Get His Own Up...

When Big Daddy goes up, everybody wants to go down. A real flyscraper, it will rise in your own living room, and the entire neighborhood will know that your son has a big one.

$19.19 FORESKIN NOT INCLUDED

Tiny “Talkie” Virgin: “Fuck,” Says Tiny Virgin

Fun for the whole family, as spectators or participants. These little dollies will enthrall you with their sexual antics and sixty-nine-word vocabulary.

Comes in male or female; Please specify color when you order. Guaranteed to be virgins on delivery. Return to manufacturer within 30 days if chastity is broken.

$22.23 VASELINE NOT INCLUDED

Pussy Mangia: A Gourmet Italian Muff

It's the cat's meow and a real tongue twister, as Pussy Mangia will delight and amuse the gay or straight child in your family. Ball it or eat it. Guaranteed for more than 400 hours of use before wearing out. For those noshers in the family, Pussy comes in three delightful flavors: lasagna, pepperoni, and black cherry.

$12.01 DENTAL FLOSS NOT INCLUDED

The Body-Chemistry Set: Get the Jump on Self-Destruction

Make your own Spanish fly at home. Grow your own cultures of syphilis or trench mouth. Speed, LSD—all of those destructive drugs that a child can't normally learn about until teenage insanity arrives—are yours to cook up with this psychedelic kitchen set. Be the first kid in kindergarten to OD.

$16.00 INSURANCE NOT INCLUDED

The Sin Stones: Anna Barbarian's New Stoned-Age Family

Television's favorite stoned-age pimps come to life with this genuine, all-cardboard cathouse. A prehistoric brothel, complete with "Johns" and a full stable of Neanderthal hookers. Return with us to the good old days, before the Judeo-Christian tradition turned sex into something "dirty."

$11.76 ETERNAL DAMNATION NOT INCLUDED

Barbee Boobs: A Real Treat With a Sweet Teat

"Thanks for the mammary." That's what your little boy will say when this marshmallow mommy ram-jams her jovial jugs into his juvenile jollies. A great gift for the straight kid with a crooked mind. Available in chocolate, vanilla, and caramel nut-fudge.

$16.66 EXTRA NIPPLES NOT INCLUDED

Baby Butchie: The Baby Bull-Dike Dolly

See Baby Butchie dominate your daughter; and when a man enters the room, see Baby Butchie pee on him. Accessories include the Baby Butchie bullwhip, leather boots, and aluminum dildo. (Valid where prohibited by law.)

$8.84 PEE NOT INCLUDED

Armordildo: The Tochis Tank

Drive it home with Armordildo, the prurient Patton. Armordildo will shove its gun up your sonny-boy's bum and fire a full load of genuine sperm.

$12.98 SPERM NOT INCLUDED

S/M Bar, Dollhouse: Where the Elite Meet to Beat

An accurate replica of a New York City pain palace, where thumbscrews outnumber corkscrews and the road to romance is lined with broken bottles of Librium. Complete with insane clientele, gay bartender, and a large Polish bouncer.

$6.74 IRONMAIDENS NOT INCLUDED

Schwantzo the Mechanical Sadist Comes to You Bound in Leather

For the child who craves discipline, Schwantzo is a dream come true. A father image to end all images. Schwantzo is the life of any party, giving endless hours of joyous displeasure.

Note: The manufacturer disclaims all responsibility for any damage done to the ears, nostrils, or any other area of entrance to the human body.

$72.22 FUNERAL PLOT NOT INCLUDED

The G.I. Blow Doll the Ultimate Oral Armament

A staff sergeant that wants your staff. Hey there, parents, your kids can get a good early taste of the military, while the military gets a good early taste of them.

$4.36 GOOD TASTE NOT INCLUDED

Suck-a-Duck the Hard Canard: Well Hung and Fowl

Said the good little girl to the bad little girl, “Gee, but it's hard to be good.” Said the bad little girl to the good little girl, “It’s gotta be hard to be good.”

Suck-A-Duck will moan and smile all the while. For the orally hung girls or boys in your happy home.

$6.95 BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED

Humpy Horsey: Come One, Come All

Get-a-ridin', all you hard-rock fans, 'cause Humpy Horsey is the hardest rock in town. There's nothing quite like a long, hard ride on a well-hung saddle, Humpy Horsey is a real ball.

$21.72 BALLS NOT INCLUDED

Ignoranus: The Dumbest Fuck in Town

Just perfect for the little man in your family that exhibits those masterful qualities of leadership. Just ask Ignoranus to bend over, and he won’t even ask why. An ideal plaything for those quiet moments in the locker room.

$7.88 SUPPOSITORIES NOT INCLUDED

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About the Creator

Filthy Staff

A group of inappropriate, unconventional & disruptive professionals. Some are women, some are men, some are straight, some are gay. All are Filthy.

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