Modern Sex Etiquette

Sexual revolution has manifested itself as the new morality. All around you, people are poking away at each other like junior gynecologists, and you are still spending your evenings with Amy Schumer and Tosh.0. The world is awash with healthy young men and women making love while they Netflix and chill, via sext message, or the usual old way in a bed, but the waitress or waiter at Olive Garden doesn’t even smile at you when you overtip.

And it’s not for want of knowledge, is it? You've seen the magazines and the movies. You've brushed and gotten your shapeup or Balayage highlights. The glorious history of the sexual revolution (SR) is well known to you. The codification of revolutionary tenets, called the new morality (NM), is as familiar to you as a road map. What has gone wrong?

Only this: There is more to a revolution than law and ideology. There are matters of custom and culture, as well as principles of etiquette and social lubrication, much neglected by all observers on the scene. It is our purpose here to attempt to redress this balance, make a great deal of money, and move to Tahiti.

Basic Question: How To Tell the New Morality from the Old Morality

A very famous query goes like this: What happens if I get an erection on a nudist beach? The old morality says don’t worry about it, it won't happen because all those naked bodies aren't sexy, and anyway, you can always jump in the ocean. The new morality says fuck something with it.

How To Netflix & Chill

It used to be that inviting someone over to watch a movie was just that, watching a movie, but with the new sex etiquette, it is called "Netflix and Chill." Which is exactly what it sounds like. Except "chill" is subtly replaced by sex. And its usually one of the first "dates."

How To Avoid a Bummer. Everyone has different choices when it comes to movies and shows they like to watch. And with all the choices on Netflix and similar apps, you could spend all your time with your partner trying to find something to Netflix rather than moving on to the "chill" part. To avoid any lost time, choose something that provides background noise, something you may both enjoy, if, in fact, you were even going to watch the film. You don't want a horror movie going off in the background, but you also don't want Neil deGrasse Tyson talking about star clusters. Unless that's what you're into.

To Grope or Not To Grope. Green light on the grope after you've read each other's body language. When someone is invited over "to watch a movie," it is generally insinuated that sex will be included. But it isn't always a guarantee. So don't go right for the gold as soon as your guest arrives. But don't wait until they're ready to leave either.

Good Answers to Tough Questions, Part I

“Dear Sexual Etiquette Authorized Advisor and Friend: I would love to be liberated and fuck and suck everyone I know; I get sweaty just thinking about it. But my problem concerns my body. It is lumpy and misshapen and filled with moles and freckles; There is a green welt on my thigh, and people have said unkind things about my teeth. It will cost $13,000 to fix me up, and I make $136.50 a week selling lawn furniture. Is there any hope? Signed, Anxious.”

Dear Anxious: Under the official protocol of modern sex etiquette, no person shall be denied full sexual-revolution rights on the basis of body shape, noninfectious skin blemishes, such as birthmarks or scars, weight variance from norms, height variance from norms, or philosophic ideas other than logical positivism. In other words, Dear Anxious, persevere, gain confidence, overcome. Just as it is true that attractive people get laid more than unattractive people, it is also true that whatever you’ve got, someone else is looking for it.

You might also take solace in reincarnation.

History of Wife-Swapping

Wife-swapping existed until 1972. It was a sexual game with as many rules as baseball. It wasn't done in groups. It wasn't done lewdly. Often, it wasn’t even done with the lights on. In the sexual revolution, wife-swapping was a reactionary revisionist movement. In July of 1972, while vacationing in Mexico, it was assassinated by a crazed follower of Dr. Albert Ellis.

Interracial Sex: Truth or Fact?

The NM has a great deal in common with other antisexist, antiracist movements currently sweeping the nation. Still, some sexual revolution converts feel uncomfortable with members of other ethnic groups. These feelings are completely natural. Meetings between people of differing cultural backgrounds are often fraught with misunderstandings. Nothing solves those misunderstandings better than communication and intimacy.

It is important, of course, to guard against some common misconceptions. For instance, contrary to popular opinion, white people do not smell funny, although the faint odor of mayonnaise that seems to surround many whites may give a false impression. White people make love in standard positions and are able to maintain the rhythms of love as well as any other racial group. The popular belief that whites fuck like frogs is entirely without foundation. And, it seems hardly necessary to add, the genitals of white males are in no sense deformed or vestigial.

Orgy?

One is never invited to an orgy. What happens is that “Julie and Mike” invite you to “meet other people like yourself” who enjoy “a relaxed, swinging evening” in an “atmosphere of total freedom.” The SR is a very genteel revolution. Nevertheless, an orgy is an orgy. What Julie and Mike are talking about is sex in groups.

What to Bring to the Orgy. Customs vary widely, but the orgy host will generally provide soft drinks, beer, cheap wine, potato chips, and dips (usually onion and spinach), and hopefully music. At a slightly racier gathering, amyl nitrite, marijuana, and cocaine may be provided, as well. Bring your own hard liquor, if that’s your taste, and towels, if you think you'll need them. Dress comfortably; Avoid garments with complicated or time-consuming closure mechanisms. Don't carry large sums of money. Eat lightly before arriving and, if you're a man, bring a woman.*

Why Do Men Have to Bring a Woman? Inside orgy circles, a woman is known as a “ticket.” The bitter experience of thousands of orgiasts has taught that if men are allowed to come by themselves, the party quickly turns into 500 men watching six couples fuck. No one is quite sure why this should be.

Is There Anything I Can't Do at an Orgy? Good question. Lots of things. All of the more extreme perversions are out—adherents of those disciplines have their own orgies. Female and male homosexuality is generally permitted. But always ask first. Of course, it is easy to kiss or caress the wrong body at the height of group grope, but such behavior is understood as long as the action is not intentional.

What Happens After the Orgy? Some go home and try to forget. Others go home and try to remember.

*This section applies only to heterosexual orgies. Homosexual orgies are different, in that all those attending are of the same sex.

Good Answers to Tough Questions, Part II

“Dear Sexual Etiquette Authorized Advisor and Friend: I have been all over the world, from the fetid jungles of New Guinea to the stark white mountains of Alaska, searching for a cure for impotence. I thought I was onto something when a Korean doctor answered my letter enthusiastically, but it turned out he had discovered a cure for impetigo, which is not the same thing at all. As a result of this misunderstanding, my still-flaccid private parts are dyed a rich purple. The Mayo Clinic told me there was no cure for impotence. My wife is living in sin with a saxophone player. What can I do? Signed, Limp.”

Dear Limp: Fortunately, modern science has discovered a cure for impotence, which involves no dangerous drugs or boring exercises. Simply rub your body for one hour with a briefcase containing $1 million in small, unmarked bills.

Hot Flash from New-Morality Central!

It is now okay to ask for it. Don’t make your partner participate in senseless guessing games. Be direct, but kindly. Sample query: “Say Mel, could you squish a banana into my back while singing "Hollaback Girl" from Gwen Stefani?”

Another Hot Flash from New-Morality Central!

It is okay to refuse to do things you don’t want to do. Don’t make your partner think you’re turned on when you’re not. Be direct and explicit, but kindly. Sample response: “I’m sorry John, but if we go through that banana routine one more time, I’m moving back to Fayetteville.”

Illuminating Interview with a Person of the Masochist Persuasion

Q: Who buys the whips?

A: Sometimes he does; Sometimes I do. We don't buy too much new equipment anyway.

Why not?

This new stuff they're making just doesn’t wear well. I saw a pillory last week made of fiberboard. Fiberboard! A baby could kick it to pieces. You know what they wanted for it—$125! I ask you.

The whips—

Don't talk to me about whips. Ever have some flaccid foreign-made whip droop across your back like spaghetti? Have you ever had to wash the stains out of some cheap synthetic cat-o'-nine-tails? And where's all the real leather these days? Do you know what happened to it?

No, I—

Howard Hughes has it all in big warehouses outside Las Vegas. He's driving the price up. He's just waiting until S&M becomes big business, then he's going to move in and beat the whole world.

Beat the whole world?

I never talk about my personal life.

How to Tell if You’re a Sadist and/or Masochist

Select a close friend(s) and instruct him/her (them) to bind your wrists and ankles to the four corners of an ordinary bed. You should be nude during the binding, as it is very difficult to get your shirt off once your hands are tied. Have your friend stand over you with a large whip and begin striking you about the torso and thighs. The strokes should be light at first, increasing in intensity until welts appear. Drawing blood is considered to be bad manners, at least on the first date.

While this is going on, note your reactions. When the experience is finished, check the answer below that most closely corresponds with your state of mind during the beating. You may check more than one answer, but it won't do you much good.

1. Oh, God, yes, yes, that's... I'm... please more, ouch... God!
2. When I get untied, I'm going to teach that son of a bitch a few things about whipping.
3. Now that I think about it, blue drapes are a little heavy for a room this small.
4. That hurts!

Answer Key:

1. If you check this answer, you are definitely a masochist. What you need now is a sadist.
2. If you checked this answer, you are definitely a sadist. What you need now is a masochist. All the 1s and 2s will assemble in the auditorium after lunch.
3. If you checked this answer, you are very jaded, and should move directly to one of the postgraduate perversions, such as gaining carnal knowledge of a snail (escargotaphilia) or self-abuse with a cheesecake (pieromania).
4. If you checked this answer, you are a very dull person and will never, ever be a pervert so long as you live.

Everybody Has Standards

Actual quotation from an actual interview: “I’ve heard that there are people who actually eat, um, excrement. I mean, there are really people who eat shit! Isn't that disgusting? There are some things I really can't believe. Of course, I drink piss. I like it; It's a way of getting close to someone. But actually eating... I get sick just thinking about it.”

Good Answers to Tough Questions, Part III

“Dear Sexual Etiquette Authorized Advisor and Friend: I know you're going to laugh like crazy when you read this, but I have a very small cock and I am embarrassed when it comes time to show and tell. I’ve been with only two women and they both said the size of my cock didn't matter at all and another half hour would cost $25. But I'm still ashamed. Is there anything I can do? Signed, Tiny.”

Dear Tiny: Not a thing. You poor son of a bitch.

How To Pick Up Persons

Despite all this ceaseless palaver about group sex, homosexuality, and fetishism, the majority of sexual contacts in the United States are between one representative of each of the popular sexes, oriented toward heterosexual behavior. The only consequence of the SR and the NM is that participants in such encounters are willing to consider fucking substantially earlier than in former years. Under the OM, the period between meeting and consummation varied from three weeks to 39 months. Under modern sex etiquette, this period has been reduced to 20 minutes.

A Typical Situation: Let us suppose that you are a heterosexual person seeking the company of another heterosexual person of the opposite heterosex. You are in a bar or at a party. A conversation begins (you might try some witty opening gambit, like leaning close to the other person and asking, “Do I have bad breath?”) and things progress well. It's getting late. What do you do now?

What Do I Do Now? Invite the other person somewhere. To dinner, to a show, back to your place for a drink.

But I Don't Really Mean That. What I Want Is To Go Somewhere and Fuck. Isn't It Hypocritical, in These Liberated Times...? Sure it is. But everybody over twelve knows that “come back to my apartment” means, at the very least, that hanky-panky is still a possibility. You'll never get that far if you're a stone drag. So if everybody understands, it's not hypocrisy, it's custom. It has some deep, comfortable rhythm to it. Learn the rules. Civilization is not a drinking fountain.

A Difficult Variation: Suppose that you have met someone that you like and are not ready to have sex with, but you wouldn't mind spending a great deal more time with them, at either their place or yours. Approach the situation directly. Say: “Ethan, you have the wit and charm of Frank Sinatra and the head and shoulders of a large rodent.” Tell the truth. As the wisdom of the East has it, “Hearing the truth from a friend is better than disemboweling yourself with a blunt stick.”

At Their Place or Yours: Fortunately, the moment you walk through the door of any structure defined as a “private or semi-private domicile,” your every action is covered by the protocol of the new sex etiquette. Host and visitor have the same duty: to use all reasonable means to induce or aid the other person to have an orgasm or, failing that, to enjoy the experience as much as possible. Acts classed as unreasonable, or outside the requirements of the protocol, include covering more than 50 percent of the body with hollandaise sauce and all unnatural acts performed with a flute (or a flutist).

Duties of the Guest: The guest should not complain about the decorations, use the wrong toothbrush, hurl dishes, straighten things on the coffee table, demand that a window be shut or opened, ask when the sheets were last washed, mistreat household pets, piss in the sink.

Duties of the Host: The host should be prepared to provide towels, soft drinks, alcoholic beverages, music, a warm, dry place to sleep, a pillow, a bottle of aspirin, and ointments. Contrary to popular belief, breakfast is optional.

After Intercourse Tidbits

The deed is done; The relationship has been consummated. Now what? Some people like to remain warm and toasty the whole night through, rising with their chosen partner in the morning. Drawbacks to this plan include awkward morning conversations, clashes over bathroom procedures, and, if fate is singularly unkind, a long silent breakfast with a person who eats nothing but wheat germ on dry toast.

Others prefer to leave the carnal bed and go home rather than seeing the morning through with a comparative stranger. This method is said to foster ulcers, since the human body should never be required to put on clothes after midnight or cope with the inevitable walk of shame.

How to Find Your Perfect Threesome

Menages (from the French for “family” or “household”) come in all sizes and a variety of styles, of which the most common is à trois (French for “very lewd"). Though this outdated term sounds "fancy AF," most people today are just calling them threesomes. Creating the perfect menage is like creating the perfect omelet, except that in one you use eggs and milk and in the other you don’t.

First, find the phrase on the list below that best describes your current sexual orientation. Then match it with two others on the list, which, in sum, form the maximally interesting sexual grouping. This is your menage. Write it down on a piece of paper.

1. Female heterosexual
2. Female homosexual
3. Female bisexual
4. Male heterosexual
5. Male homosexual
6. Male bisexual

Analysis: The traditional 1-4-4 is full of subtle stresses but can be remarkably stable. The 1-1-4, where 4 is somewhat older and affluent, may be the most permanent of all, but oddly rare, nevertheless. A 6-6-1 is even better, although it is well known that a 6-6-3 quickly turns into a 6-6-3-3 (menage a quatre, French for “hopelessly degenerate”) or a 6-6-6-3, which in turn becomes a 6-6-6-6 and then a small private club. A 2-2-5 is hopeless for the 5, as is a 2-2-6 for the 6, a 1-2-3 for the 1, and a 4-5-6 for the 4. Everyone wants a 3-3-4, but where can you find one at these prices? Imagine the heartbreak of a 1-4-6, the terror of a 1-3-4. Such matters are not to be entered lightly. Remember the old saying: two's company, three's agog. But in the new sex etiquette, the saying is: The more the merrier.