Masc4Masc and Other Gay Nonsense

There's something about the experience of gay men that seems to make us more susceptible to substance abuse, self-harm, and struggles with mental health.

I'm not a medical professional in any shape or form, but my theory is that one of the main contributing factors to the self-sabotage often experienced by gay men could be traced back the coming-out process.

It sounds a little old-fashioned to be talking about coming-out, but it's something that all gay men have in common. Depending on where you live, and the society to which you belong, it may not be the dramatic flinging open of closet doors that defined the concept, but at some point every gay guy is going to realise that they're not heterosexual.

That realisation, of being "other", of being part of a minority, inevitably begins to shape your identity, your sense of self. Even if you're trying to conceal your sexuality, or you're internalising some of the homophobia that you may be seeing around you or experiencing directly. That realisation – at whatever age you are, however accepting the community around you – starts you on the journey to try and figure out what being a gay man means for you.

Reflecting on my own experience, that journey – of trying to work out who you are and what your identity is – can be confusing, lonely, and a bit depressing. There's a lot of conflicting inputs and influences – all of which you have to try and process and sift through and interpret into something that makes sense to you.

It's during this identity-forming journey that any internalised homophobia can really start to mess with your head.

• Can gay men be real men?
• How do people seem to automatically know that I'm gay?
• Does my voice sound gay?
• Does putting on a dress or wearing make-up make you less of a man? Or less desirable?
• Why is my sex life not like the porn that I watch?
• Why does there seem to be some kind of secret language or club that I don't understand and don't know the rules to?
• Why do guys say that they're not into "Fats, fems, or Asians?
• Am I masc enough to be Masc4Masc? What does that even mean?

Adding to this complexity is that sexuality, identity, and desire rarely come in neat, definable boxes. There's a lot of grey areas, a lot of uncertainty – things can change, evolve over time.

If you asked me what sort of guys I’m into, I could tell you easily — tall, dark, muscular, athletic, pretty much like the guys I search for when watching porn. However if you lined up all of my ex-boyfriends (it’s about 8 at last count – I’m obviously only counting people that you could objectively consider as having been in a relationship with) there’s only one or two that could possibly fit that definition. What does that mean? The guys that I fall in love with are nothing like the guys that I think that I’m into.

Where you run into trouble is when you start to try and mould your identity and sense-of-self into something that you think that others will find attractive. It’s easy to be righteous and declare that you need to be true to yourself, and love who you are, but what if you’re not really sure who you are?

It’s never been easy to be a young gay guy, trying to figure out who you are. If I could give my younger-self some simple words of advice it would be:

• Don’t get caught up with labels – they’re generally just an indication of insecurity.
• If you fancy someone but they’re ignoring you, move on.
• Learn how to apply liquid eye-liner.

As a wise gay man once said: “Life is a mystery. Everyone must stand alone…”