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Why Consideration Might Be the Key to the Best Sex You've Ever Had

By Haybitch AbersnatchyPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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Every touch should beg the question: How did the touchee feel about that?Photo Courtesy of Tim Gouw CC

Most women have experienced the fumbling, callous, bruising touch of an inexperienced man. It is often apparent long before any clothes come off: the tongue thrust down an unsuspecting throat, the grip of fingers on a tender waist, words that are growled right out of a porno script regardless of the earlier ordinary conversation. If a woman likes a guy enough, they might tolerate it in the hope of training the guy later. Otherwise, no one is leaving that situation happy.Yet, from everything that I have seen or heard from my long-time single male friends, they never mean to hurt or discomfort their partners. If anything, they desperately want to please their potential partner—if only just so that they can keep seeing that person.Despite that desire, men often mangle their first physical interaction wit. I don't think it is just a matter of getting carried away in their desire to be satisfied. Instead, I think that these men have a very confused idea of what is expected of them in a physical relationship.

Touching another person is great. It feels great, especially if you really like the other person's body. But when you touch another person's body you are entering their domain. Their experience as the touchee is more important than yours as the toucher. This applies to way more than sex— touching a stranger casually, or hugging a friend, their feelings about the touch are more important than yours.

When it comes to sex this is even more important—touch that arouses one person won't necessarily thrill another. It can be a complicated dance to please both partners. Unfortunately, men aren't usually taught this. When it comes to sex, men are told both explicitly and implicitly that their partner's arousal is directly linked to their own. So if the guy is eager, he often cannot sense that his partner may not be ready yet. If a guy finds pleasure in gripping a boob like it is a handlebar, he often assumes that his partner appreciates it too. Any woman could tell him that it doesn't work like that, but porn and societal expectations have taught many men that there is no need to evaluate a partner's enjoyment until after completion. These men have been told that the things that feel good to them are the things that women want.

Unfortunately, that means that many men have never had to learn how to care for the recipient of their affections, or even been told they should. This is part of the misunderstanding around consent. Women assume that men have been given the same instruction they have. That instruction is simple:

Any time you touch anyone, your primary concern should be the way that feels to the person being touched.

It is still obviously okay to revel in being touched and touching. But the first concern—the one that is forefront in mind should always be the experience of your partner. It can be hard to concern yourself with the sensation of someone else while in the throes of passion, but I can attest— most of the partners you have ever had have been doing just that. The lead up to sex is often vital for women's enjoyment and men are taught that good foreplay is putting their dick in someone's hand. Unfortunately, that's not really a great way to get someone else aroused. The arousal that follows is often one-sided, leading to a lot of the frustration that both women and men feel in intimate relationships. However, when both partners are focused on pleasing and arousing the other person, everyone will likely have a good time.

There is a double-edged aspect to this. Women don't always speak up about their own wants or needs. Sometimes this is out of fear—women are often punished for failing simply to meet the impossibly expectations of dating partners. But sometimes it is simply out of habit. Most women are taught from a very young age to consider the other person's experience in most actions they take. Whether it is modifying word use, or evaluating a partner's enjoyment of a type of touch, women are trained to prioritize the other person. That means that, especially for young women, they cannot understand why their partner doesn't see and react to their lack of enjoyment.

This is a skill that women are trained in from very early on, so obviously women have an advantage at being good at that skill. We have been socialized to use that skill all the f***ing time. Men don't have that advantage. Which is why vocal consent is so important for men to make use of.

You can ask. While there are some women who will mock or deride a man for asking for explicit consent—about 99 out of 100 women will appreciate this. It doesn't have to be unsexy; simply asking "do you like that?" bridges that communicative gap—allowing space for the other person to express themselves more clearly. You just have to pay attention to their response after you ask. (Or, for the more initial dating phase, asking "is it okay if..." elicits an opportunity for clearer communication.)

But. Above all—be aware of the other person's experience. Think about what a touch would feel like if it was happening to you (if you aren't sure what something would feel like to a boob, try grabbing/touching your inner thigh or balls that way and see how much it hurts).

Obviously this applies to much more than just touching and sex—thinking about how words will affect another person is part of a healthy relationship too. Speaking from experience and the combined stories of all my female friends: the difference between a bad partner and a good partner is how considerate they are (or even on a sliding scale—the more considerate, the more often they consider their partner's feelings, the better a partner they are). Even hurtful behavior can be worked around if they are willing to be considerate and work to eliminate that behavior.

Today's article is courtesy of a dialogue between friends and I surrounding a New Yorker short story that followed an all-too-typical dating interaction between an older, inexperienced man and a young woman. Although the story ends hauntingly with text harassment, the dialogue that followed turned toward instead toward questions of intimacy and how to be a better partner.

sexual wellness
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About the Creator

Haybitch Abersnatchy

I'm just a poor girl, from a poor family; spare me this life of millennial absurdity. I also sometimes write steamy romances under the pen name Michaela Kay such as "To Wake A Walker."

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