Kanani Jackson
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It's Complicated

The Short Version

When explaining to others my relationship with my lover, most people end up giving me a judgmental look You know, the look of confusion when you tilt your head and you squint your eyes, trying to make sense of what you just heard. The most common question I have been asked was, "How does that work?" And the answer is simple.

I have an open relationship with my boyfriend, which means that he is able to see other people and vise versa. We have a mutual agreement where we can screw around with other people, just as long as we are both honest and open about it. It's pretty simple once you can understand it. And usually when asked if I'm currently seeing anyone I respond with, "It's complicated." Yikes!

Usually people assume that I'm seeing a married man, or my boyfriend and I are taking a break from each other, but no... It's nothing like that at all.

"How does that work?"

The answer to that question is that it works as long as no one catches feelings for the other or another. If both parties contain a like/lust desire, this kind of relationship will work out. And in my point of view, this kind of relationship can, and will, last your entire lifetime as long as no one falls in love.

But that's also the problem.

I still remain on the fact that my relationship is still complicated, but after four months it has gotten even more complicated than it should be. Because you see, both of us have fallen for each other, but neither one of us will be the first to admit it. It's pretty funny actually; the moment I realized that I was in love with him, I was mortified. I am aware that there is nothing wrong with falling in love with someone, but understand that when you plan your life to go a certain way and then all of a sudden you find yourself at a crossroad, how exactly are you supposed to react? Are you supposed to be thrilled about it? NO. Me, I had to stop and think about everything that went on in those last four months. I had to ask myself, "What do I want to do now?" The way I see it is that I had three options—one, tell him and get it over with; two, not say anything and act like everything is normal; or three, end it now without any explanation and move on. Being hasty, I chose the second option (which was the completely wrong thing to do). But, even so, I had hoped that things would continue being normal to us.

It did for a little while, till he dropped the "L" bomb on me when dropping me off at my place. I became speechless all of a sudden and we both were freaking out, and it became so awkward that I left without saying anything back. I know saying nothing was worse that just rejecting him in that moment, but what was I to do? Those words slipped out of his mouth by accident and the only word that was rushing through my head was "RUN!"

Right after I left, he calls me trying to explain that what he said was an accident and he said "love you" out of habit, not because he was in love with me. I was literately at a standstill, not knowing what the truth was and not knowing what I wanted to do after that. Long story short, I went on as if none of that ever happened. 

A part of me knows that after something like that, our relationship will never be the same, even if we both chose to ignore the obvious. We know that the charade we are dancing around will not last long. For now, though, we can make what we already have last for as long as possible. Even if we do feel the same way about each other, and our feelings have gotten strong enough to be in love, jumping into a relationship now would more than likely destroy everything that we have built and it will all have been for nothing.

Again, both parties need to be on the same page. Fortunately, the both of us have been on the same page since we've known each other, and, to be honest, that has been the most amazing thing for me. 

I won't deny the fact that I have strong feelings for this guy. As a matter of fact, he is the only guy I have ever developed feelings for, which is why I'm walking on egg shells around him. I'm not exactly sure how he feels about me, so I'll probably leave things be until I am 100 percent certain that we both are ready to take things to the next level. 

There's no doubt that once someone does or says something to ruin your "it's complicated" status, there is no going back from it. You either accept what has happened and take things to the next level, or it's over. There is no in between, and there is no loophole. 

But for me, as long as you both are on the same page throughout the entire relationship, you're good. There won't be any problems when it comes to being honest with one another.

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